The Crowd-Pleaser

If you look back to my posts from about a year ago you'll see where I was talking about a boy who was older than me and troublesome and I really went through a lot of heartache with him. I'm what I would call an overly-nice person, and needless to say, we are still friends. Our friendship is even a little better for it all. We've both hurt each other and then forgiven each other countless times, and it's nice to be on that kind of comfort level with someone.
Or so I thought.

When my boyfriend and I broke up he opened up and said that he was insanely jealous that I'd been with someone else and it had made him realize how much he liked me. I resisted, like a good little girl.
But once you've been "getting at it" for a few months and then suddenly it's taken away from you, loneliness sets in. All kinds of loneliness.
So I let him in, and finally made the strict restriction of friends with benefits. One bad relationship for the year was enough (and let's be honest here, I'm still all hung up on my ex).
AND THE MOTHERFUCKER CRIED.
I'm trying to be a crowd-pleaser here and do something that benefits everyone, and he's crying? This is during our Christmas gift exchange too.
Just to end this little story/rant my new resolve is to suck up my lonliness because now NO ONE will get what they want. Back to simply being friends it is, I no longer wish to deal with his silly nonsense.


Obviously, everything is swell.



Confession for the day: I'm extremely vindictive, and I'll put aside what I truly want, just to teach you what I believe is a useful lesson. If you think about it, I'm like a charming, vicious Saint.

A Continuous Forward Motion

Doubtful lovers loose sheets, minds, and covers
In a rushed scuffle to the edge of the bed
Where lipstick stains never wash out
And neither does a virgin's doubt

Evenings filled with lusty wine
Make kisses sloppy, but feelings feel fine
As stolen seconds of time looses sight
Hope on dove's wings begin to take flight

And the car's breaks are broken
We're in a continuous forward motion
So move over or get open
the one door that doesn't lock

To keep it alive you either suffer or thrive
because the heat of the sun isn't for this,
It's to bathe in the sound
Of that sweet steamy hiss
Broken hearts make when they're glued back together

The name of the game isn't to prosper or take
It's to build and rebuild
what alone you can't make

And I hope it's okay
If I start off in disarray
Because with me it’s the only way
For one foot to follow the other

Did I Call YOU Pathetic? My bad...

Having a bucket of ice water thrown on you in 30 degree weather is incomparable to the feeling you get after asking your ex if they want to hang out (for the second time) only to not only get rebuffed, but to get no answer at all. Then AFTER you've written him a message on Facebook explaining how spineless and pathetic he is and how much you hate him you realize....that his number changed and he has no idea that you sent that text or left that voice mail.

I'm sorry, did I say he was pathetic? I think I meant to say she, as in myself.

If life was a person, he would have a sick, sick, sense of humor. And it would no doubt be a him.

Ms. Itall

I miss you, even though you're mean and obnoxious. I miss the way you would kiss me and make jokes I didn't get. I miss the way you would make fun of my parking. I miss the way you would put food in the microwave and call it cooking (and believe it). I miss your smile, I miss your texts, and I miss not watching movies with you. I miss making you hold my hand while you drove and picking on you about littering.

But mostly I miss the way you used to put up with my crazy ass.

I'm not the easiest to deal with all the time, but I'm worth it.
And in the end, you're the one missing out.
but I do still miss you....

If I have a question, you have a problem.

When a boy ends a relationship with a girl, the girl wants to know why, and she wants to know more than why. How could he do that? Why did she deserve it? What did she do? How can she fix it? Why wont you talk to her? Why are you acting like a jerk? What else could she have given you? Did you cheat? Are you lying?

But the truth of the matter is, what are we going to do with this information once we get it? Asking these questions is really just a way of dragging out the inevitable post-break up silence. We hope that if we force our presence upon these guys that they will see what they're missing.
But deep down we know that we're really just being a hot mess and that he does not want any of this.

I can openly admit that while I'm writing this I'm thinking of some way to text my now "ex" boyfriend and pester him into telling me why he broke up with me even though I don't know why I should even bother. I know it's pointless. I know I won't like the answer he gives me, no matter what that answer is.

Admittably, every situation is different. For example, in my case he didn't cheat on me (that I know about), but he didn't nicely break up with me either. The whole adventure has been him being mean to me for no reason. I've yet to understand why (and that, of course, is one of my many questions).
Some girls are good at moving on and simply thinking "well, I guess he just doesn't like me anymore."
But as we established in my last post, I'm bat shit crazy.
Because I'm a very pretty, (usually) nice, funny, fun, crazy (the good kind as well), easy going, up for anything type of girl. I strongly believe that if I've given a guy everything I have then he should damn well be content. And if he's not? Well then we have a mother 'effin problem. I will not rest until I know what I've done to upset you so much that you feel the need to completely disengage in conversation with me. You don't "want to be friends" or "f*ck buddies" you completely want to cut off contact.
I'm to cool for that!

So I'm on a mission to understand this, and it will undoubtably end in me hysterically crying and drinking night time cold medicine to fall asleep.
Oh, the joys of being a female.

Sorry is just a street in Cleveland

I'm psychotic. Not doctor diagnosed, mind you, but it's still true. I say that I mean what I say, even though I really don't. I never get mad about the big things, in fact I tackle them with grace and ease. It's the little things, like not having a towel when I get out of the shower, or cutting a piece of bread for my sandwich wrong that really piss me the hell off.
And if I was a hermit all alone in the woods, this behavior really wouldn't bother me that much. I can handle being mad at myself, I do it all the time. It's the people around me that I feel sorry for. They never know what mood I'm in, I feel like a damn ticking time bomb.
And then I get upset because hey, I'm human, I'm allowed to have feelings!
But you know what else those cheesy cliche's got right?
The fear of letting people close enough to hurt you. It's over used, and possibly mentioned at least three times in every chick flick, but it's inescapable. To be honest I don't even like to let my mom know what I'm thinking about certain things.
But, see, here's where I differ.
Instead of doing that strong and silent thing that you see in movies, where you just take the hits and pretend that the person isn't running over your feelings with a Mac Truck, I do something a little more special.
I throw a fucking fit. I realized that I'm the psycho girlfriend that gets mad about everything. I empathize with those girls now! I need an outlet for my feelings before I explode and damn if isn't soooo much easier to transform that hurt into anger.

example:
No, I wasn't worried and/or hurt that you were drinking at that party and then didn't think to call me...until two days after.
I was fucking pissed that you didn't even think to talk to me, and by the way, do you need an extra day to get that defensive story strait, asshole? Must have been some damn party.

That second one? That's me. And maybe it wouldn't be so bad that I'm like that, if I didn't directly jump into it. I put people on the defensive, because I'm immediately angry. I don't care what you have to say, why you did or didn't do something. You lost your phone? Borrow someone else's. You were gonna call? Shoulda Coulda Woulda. You're sorry and want to call me baby? Hellllll no!



And since I'm a poor girl who can't afford therapy, this blog has had to suffice.

Bang, Pop

Okay, so maybe I was a little hasty with my last post. It seems I'm always learning new things, and every new thing I learn contradicts whatever I knew before.
Because things are always strange in the beginning. The first time you try anything new out you're not going to master it. Sure, things aren't storybook perfect, but occasionally it all works out.
And if it doesn't then you have a very awkward, but if you can manage it, funny moment to laugh about.
If you can't manage it maybe you're socially challenged, and you should work on that.

----

In other words, I'm officially an adult now. My happy-happy 18th was just a few days ago. For some reason I thought 18 would go off like a "bang" but mine was more of a "pop" (video below) and relatively uneventful.
It's always interesting to see what random people will write Happy Birthday to you on Facebook, however. I'll openly admit that 60% of the people I have on there, I do NOT write them happy birthdays. I suppose I should, I mean let's be honest, it's not like it takes a lot of effort. I just don't want these people to be under the impression that I have them on there for any reason other than I like to creep. I lead a drama free life (which I enjoy) but that doesn't mean I can't take pleasure in other people's issues, right? Right.

The Movies Got it Wrong

I finally remembered what I forgot to talk about last time! Sexual awkwardness. No, not sexual awareness, sexual awkwardness.
You know what I mean, that tension that exists only in the real world that everyone FAILS TO MENTION. In books or movies everything love related happens magically, even the so called "awkward" moments aren't on the money. Because, apparently, real tension is just kind of hard to catch and plan out for a camera.
I'm not ashamed to say I'm pretty inexperienced for my age, I'm by no means a prude or even ugly, I just don't seem to get much in the guy department. The ones that like me usually fall a little...er, short.
But now I'm in a new lovely little relationship in which I'm experiencing a whole new world of difficulty. If you think that simply GETTING the guy is the hard part, then please, think again.
Because for some reason the strangeness of the first kiss always gets left out in every story ever told in history.
Books and movies have covered the whole "how far should we go" section, but they have completely left out the "wow these movie seat chairs aren't half as comfortable as they look and when we hold hands like this it cuts off my circulation so I'm a little bit of a loss right now" chapter.
Allow me to mention a few more pieces of this so-called-romance puzzle they left out:

-that strange restaurant you choose is giving my stomach the rumblies
-wow, you're way taller than I am, and holding hands kinda sucks.
-wow, there is actually a wrong way to hold hands, and wouldn't you know, that's the way I do it.
-my parents aren't home...why aren't my parents home?!
-hell yes, my parents aren't home! Wait...is this a set up?
-They aren't home again? Well come on in...and....sit down..or eat. How about kissing? Just kissing? Okay then.. And damn it stop touching their knick-knacks.
-Ew, you just burped and I'm reminded of how gross guys are.
-There should be a whole entire chapter just on how to bite the damn lower-lip.
-why do I seem more into this than you? I'm the girl, shouldn't this be in reverse? Now I feel pushy, thanks.
-This movie is talking about sex. Awkward.
-This movie is talking about abortion. Awkward.
-This movie is talking about penises and/or vaginas. Awkward.
-And when I say "this movie is talking" I mean they're showing. Graphically.
-So maybe we should just not watch a movie
-bowling? skating? walking? talking? swimming? driving? shopping?
-Your arm is cutting off my airway
-I've never seen a penis in person before, don't be alarmed if I faint the first time we go there.
-Let's just never go there.
-Wait, I want to go there.
-Just not at this very minute

Obviously, it's all a little harder than it looks. I'm sure it get's easier as time get's on, and trust me I think it's worth it. I just think people should be aware that it's not just "a kiss" it's a mouth to mouth, nose to nose, I tilt one way you go the other, let's not bump teeth or make any off-putting slurping noises so that we can enjoy ourselves kind of situation. Nothing's ever easy, unfortunately this seems to fall into that category. It can be funny, it can be cute, it can be down right annoying.

Only to twenty

I like to think I'm at least slightly quick witted. I like to joke around, and sometimes I think of things that are so funny I even surprise myself. Why, then, is my memory so atrocious?
Throughout the day I think of interesting things that I would like to share my views and thoughts on, but when I come home and actually have the ability to blog about them, these things are gone. Poof.
So I'm just going to toss out some random questions that have been bouncing around in my head for a while (the ones I can remember anyways) and hope that my creative flow will stop being such a bitch.

1. What is the point of being clingy? It's not fun to experience, and it's not even all that great to watch.

2. Does spiderman have any other superpowers other than acrobatics and sticky webs?

3. How come teachers hand out assignments faster than they can grade them?

4. What's with books and movies making love look so easy? It's false advertising. Especially the sex parts.

5. Why is talking and/or singing into a turned on fan better than my ipod?

6. Who makes the red bows used to put on brand new cars?

7. Who invented scissors, and what was the first thing they cut?

8. Ever wonder is ancient Egypt smelled like cat pee?

9. When you think about it, the word "sweatshirt" is actually very nasty.

10. I'd love to see the face of the fist person who put aluminum foil or a fork in the microwave.

11. Ever think there are colors out there that we've never seen before? Let your mind think about that one for a second.

12. What five letter word is shorter when you add two letters to it?

13. We still make bonfires...didn't cave men do that?

14. Still no creative juices.

15. FLOW JUICES FLOW.

16. I knew that one sounded wrong, but I put it on here anyway.

17. Just for one day, and one day only, I want to be ghetto fabulous.

18. Hell, I'm not even asking questions anymore, am I?

19. It's no wonder no one reads or comments on my blog.

Fair Weather

I like to forgive and forget
To a point of sin
A failure of character that tends to win
All of my best judgement

I care and I quip a quick antidote
So that you never choke
On self pity and resentment
Tiring, isn't it?

Only you don't seem to know
You don't have a clue
What a convenience
When someone needs you

Forgive and forget?
That's used up bullshit
From the king of crap
And the yearly quota is full

So I take it all back
Every smile, trick, and call
You seem to have bought up all
My honest sympathys

But, whoops, I forgot
You don't give a damn
Found better friends in every "Tom, Dick, and Sam"

So take your talk to the bottle
And drink it all up
Until it all falls through
That "sturdy" paper-cup
You call your life.

And then at the end,
My fair weather friend,
you can pack up and leave,
Say you gave it your best
While puffing out your chest
Where that ego resides.

Maybe even give me a call
To say you're doing well,
I'll reply "damn boy, that's great!"
And so overrated,
Because this sob story's outdated
When you never seem to change (for the better).

The Face

This girl is a genius who is giving everyone a life tool that should be used at least once (even if it's just for fun).
Meet Jenna Marbles, and her face.

Mopey McMope Pants

It's long past time for me to hop off of the self pity train. I'm sick of it, and I'm sure everyone else is as well. Sometimes life sucks, sometimes things can't always go my way 'wah, wah, wah.'
There comes a time when you finally have to throw up your hands, scream in frustration and give up. Then you walk away, and you don't look back. It's hard, but it's really not that complicated.
You just have to say no.

So that's what I've been struggling with lately, giving up and saying no. Funny how for some people that comes naturally, and easily. Where as for me I have to pry my cold, dead fingers out of their death clutch to whatever they're holding on to. Things have to get so bad that I just can't handle any more. So then I have to get rid of everything that reminds me of the event, and anything that would tempt me into going back. I'm like a junkie, on a twelve step program, that can't risk another relapse.
Which makes me happy I'm not actually addicted to anything, because I do believe I would have a very hard time giving up, and saying no.

So other than being Mopey McMope Pants and watching every available episode of Psych on Netflix, my summer has been relatively nice. I'm stuck at my house to often for my taste, and I do believe I've become nocturnal. I'm also in very bad need of a curtain (so that the sun doesn't shine in my face and wake me up EVERY MORNING at EIGHT O' CLOCK). Also, I've discovered that when dipped in milk, I can eat ten or more Oreo cookies. Thus, there have been many cookie shortages in my house recently.

Happy Summer, All. Eat some cookies, and try not to mope for me;)

It Will Remain Unknown

I know I'm not alone
In this situation
This step-back
No appreciation
For beauty
Or art
Of how to win a girl's heart

I can't be alone
To this situation
Where I'm told whats right
But it's all wrong
And liars sing
The sweetest songs

Promise I'm not alone
In this situation
Of constant frustration
With falsities and niceties
And it's all just a power trip
They only want to see you strip

But say I'm not alone
In truth I never get that far
A blessing disguised?
Or maybe I'm just despised?
Maybe it's just the guys
I choose.

Or maybe I'm not right
Fighting tooth and nail
To get nailed
To be needed
I want to be treated
Like a girlfriend
(Just to see how it feels)

I'm not out for pity
Or fishing for dates
Just say I'm not alone
Or instill me with a faith
Trust me with the truth
These lips don't want to talk
(And they're used to being alone)
Curiosity can't helps but partake
In why they've never had a home

There's enough theories
To walk the world and back
But here is the fact:
It will remain unknown
Just why I remain alone.

Seven Year Itch

Kill me. Please? Because I'm being stupid little dumb girl again, I can feel it in my bones. I'm Ms. Please-Give-Me-Your-Lame-Ass-Excuses-To-Swallow girl. Because I want to see the best in everyone, so I'll ignore the bad things and just pretend like nothing is going on.
This obviously gets me into lots of trouble.
So go ahead and teach me a lesson before I re-teach it to myself.
If I could learn to say "no" or listen to my gut, and fuck how everyone else feels, then I would less friends, but also a lot less mistakes. I let people walk all over me and lie to me for the benefit of themselves.
Good Lord I would be a horrible mother. I'd be the clueless one going "my child lit your house on fire? Sweet little Tommy wouldn't do that!" when really sweet little Tommy is a fucking demon child.

It's two thirty in the morning, I'm dead tired, and instead of drifting off into dream land (actually I'm kind of doing that as well) I'm awake and thinking about how many ways this could all blow up right in my face.

If I listened to my alter ego my next conversation with you would probably start a little something like this:
Me: I don't exactly why you're wasting your time on me again, but don't think I don't see what a loser you are and have always been.
I would put his reply, but planned talks with him never go the way I expect, so why waste my time.
Oh wait, I already am just by thinking/talking/writing about him.

See how bad this road is already going?

I'm okay though, all I have to do is just remember all of the horrible, stupid things he did/said to me. And then the things I wrote to him but didn't send because they were so mean it was hard to believe I even wrote them.

Just breathe, girl.
You've got this.

Beauty Queen

Last night I competed in a pageant, which, let me tell you, is not normally my thing. I've done plays, harmony (show choir), and skits. I've walked across it many times, but never in a floofy dress with four judges monitoring how I walk.
So you can imagine my surprise when I got first runner up!
(Or, if you are a boy, I got second place. I just think the other one sounds much better...)

So now I'll actually be free in the afternoons to do as I please! Except I have no idea what that is, so now I'm here writing a blog. Isn't that nice? I have been busying myself so much lately that I forgot what it felt like to enjoy a nice evening alone with no issues.
Because besides this pageant I've had harmony practices after school, school trips, I was student of the month, I tried to give blood, I participated in a basketball tournament, I helped with the Special Olympics, and now finals are coming up. Please just try and tell me that I'm not freaking busy.

confession for the day:
I had no idea until I participated in one that pageant was spelled that way...I (and all of my friends when they text me) always spelled it pagent. That "a" in there is just annoying.

name game

Does anyone else have an issue with dating someone with a certain letter starting that person's first name? My letter is J. I have been with/talked to five and a half J names and they have all been horrible.
I say "and a half' because the guy I'm talking to now has a J name but he hasn't broken my heart.
And I doubt he'll get a chance to due to his reputation of being a total dog. I'm going to give him a chance tomorrow, but if we don't hit it off, then bye bye.
Plus I'm also still hung up on the last guy I talked to (who also has a J name). I actually told my "ex" that (I was still hung up on him). Wrong move? Most likely.
I keep saying certain "shocking" things and expecting a certain reaction, but he never gives me the one I want.
Whatever.
Fuck J names, you are all bad. Verry, very, bad. For me at least.

confession for the day?
I might have been drinking a little before I wrote this...

Google It

I have a problem and I should be heavily medicated. I'm obsessive, like a dog with a bone. Except when you take the bone away, I will hunt it down, destroy anything in my way, and retrieve it at all costs. You have to burn the bone, bury it in an unknown place with no markers, and maybe JUST MAYBE I would then leave it alone.
I'm also unbelievably indecisive, and I have the flow charts to prove it.
I have a hard time being blunt, but when it come to who's the bigger bitch, I'll hit every sore spot you have. I'll feel bad about it later, sure, but in the meantime the bitch disease is like a brush fire that just takes over a whole forest. I don't know when to stop or when my hitting the "send" button is just utterly unnecessary. Once you hit that button you're done for, there's no getting it back. Unless you want to go all ninja black ops and break into the other person's account and delete the message before they find it. Which, undeniably, would be wicked awesome, but alas, I don't know how to do that and I don't have the countless hours it would take to google it.
I also have an issue with writing 10,000 letters then picking and choosing my favorite bits of each one, piecing them together, and then sending the final product to the unfortunate recipient. I've stopped writing them on paper because it was such a waste. Now I do it all on wordpad so that I can copy, delete, or save it for later if it's especially full of bitchy greatness (so that I can have a giggle at how dark my other side can be).

And on an only slightly different note, who else is totally pissed at the new "hit enter and send whatever you were in the middle of typing" feature on Facebook? I use my enter button to start new lines, not send. Now I'm all paranoid that no matter if it's a status update, message, or comment, I'll hit the shift+enter key to start a new line. I especially hate it when I'm just writing gobbly-gook that isn't worth a second post.
Like me, Facebook apparently doesn't know when to leave good enough alone.

confession for the day?
I think I'm a masochist. Or is that another one of those stupid things that you don't "think" you are, you just "know"?

Something Pastel

Finally I'm on spring break! Now it's time to sign up for the damn A.C.T. which by the way is about a 40 minute ordeal. They ask you all these questions like 'what do you want to do?' 'what college are you planning on attending' 'what will you major' 'do you do any after school activities' 'how many children do you plan on having' 'is girls gone while something you will consider?'
Okay, so they probably won't ask the last two, but really it's just a bunch of bullshit that I have to fill out because they want to know my life story. I was born in America, I'm going to college, and this test is required. Happy?
People are so damn nosy.

In other news everything is fabulous! Not really, that's just what I keep telling myself, but my life isn't sucking either. It's actually pretty much the same minus that one little thing. You're supposed to learn a lesson from everything, and well, I've learned quite a lesson: I need to learn to LISTEN TO MYSELF, watch the signs, and stop asking for more then I really want.

But lets not talk about all that crap.

Well I would change the subject, but that's all I've got right now...

Enjoy spring break! And if you're not on it, then wish me a good one instead;)

Goodbye to You

It's tough transition, the one from being with someone to being alone all over again. We get used to being alone, it's something we learn to cope with. But we are social animals, and the move from one relationship state to another is hard.
Part of me is exponentially happy. I've had 9 kinds of the damn emotional rainbow while talking to you, and it honestly wasn't really worth it.
The other part is sad at the loss of a friend. Sad that the sheet that covered everything in pristine white has been removed to reveal an ugly truth.

It's hard to learn that you can't make someone care about you when they don't. Words fall on deaf ears and nothing you do, no matter how extreme, will make a difference. I could land in the hospital and you wouldn't think twice.

So I'll pack all of my feelings into little suitcases and lock them up in my head, because my heart just doesn't want to deal with yet another rejection. It's to innocent and unexcepting for it all. And even though it doesn't matter to you, I still wish you the best in everything you take on. The same way you can't bring yourself to care, I can't bring myself to hate you. Sometimes life is just way to unfair.

But I'll be back to normal me soon, just give me some time to get my groove back. I already know I don't need a guy to make me happy, I just need to get myself to believe that I don't want one either.

confession for the day?
Just because you have a dick, doesn't mean you should be one.

The Easter Bunny and My Love Life

I've got to figure this shit out.

What does it mean when a guy says he likes you a lot and wants to be with you and talks to you for hours, but won't kiss you when the opportunity arises?

If actions speak louder than words, then it means a lot.

I need affection. You can't have a relationship with out it. And that's what I want, a relationship. If he can't even kiss me then he must not be attracted to me, which means he's leading me on and I need to carry my business elsewhere.
Wherever "else" lives.

Being with me is a hands on activity.

I don't care if you promised your mom that you wouldn't touch me. I don't care if you promised the fucking Easter bunny! They aren't the ones sitting around wondering if there is something wrong with them because no one seems interested in them enough to date them. Or touch them for that matter, dating almost isn't relevant at this point. They aren't the ones second guessing themselves. They aren't at home right now writing a pathetic blog post about a pathetic non-relationship.
I am.

So it's time for you to stop pussyfooting around and be a man. If I had wanted a grade school relationship I would've dated a damn freshman.

"Stand By"

As humans, it is our nature to fear the unknown.


---


You open your mouth and I hear the ocean, you smile at me and I'm soaking up the sun. I've become so accustomed to this easy breeze you fill my life with. And this constant sunshine leaves a permanent blush on my cheeks that I'm in love with. There's a long list of things I want, but it's etched in the sand ready to be washed out with the tide. You can't always get what you want.
So I'll ask questions I don't want to know the answer to, in hopes of something good coming out of my insanity; my inability to just let sleeping dogs slumber. I'd like a warning, a siren of when things take a turn for the worse so that I'm not swept up by the wind and sand, never to be seen or heard from again.


confession for the day? I wish I could put my brain on "stand by" so that I could stop over-thinking all the time.

=/

I know a boy
Who tried to swallow the sun
Cut down his rage
And ease his addiction

I know a boy
Who tried to cover his tracks
Couldn’t write his own play
Because it had to many acts

I know a boy
Who tried to break apart the Earth
Attempting new things
To find out what he’s worth

I know a boy
Who tried to swallow the sea
And I tried to help him
Couldn’t just let it be

I know a boy
Who tried to hold my heart
He gave me sweet words
And tore me apart

I know a girl
Who tried to try
She’s taking his hand
And together they get by

I know a girl
Who tried to swallow the sun
Threw up her hands
And cried out in frustration

I know.

Bored? You are not alone.

I haven't done any reviews in a while, and I really liked that last one I did so I have officially decided to do another one. I haven't read any full books in a while (shame on me)so this one will be tv, movies, and music.

Let's start with televisioin, shall we?
I wouldn't call myself a tv-acholic, but I do love some shows. When you just can't sit still long enough for an entire movie, but you have some time on your hands, tv always saves the day.

The new love of my life is Dexter

This show is about a serial killer, working as a blood splatter specialist with the miami police. Kinda creepy and morbid, right?
Well he's actually a bit of a good guy. He only kills other killers! And, I'm going to be honest, my favorite thing about him is that he doesn't know how to have emotions, and it's the funniest thing to watch him try to understand his girlfriend and sister. This show is a great mix of thriller and funny, I highly recommend.

Next: Veronica Mars

This show only has three seasons, and I only love the first two but they are SO worth the watch. Let's just put it this way: If you love smart-mouthed girls who know how to be conniving, tricky, and funny then you will love this show. It's not new, but hey, sometimes all the best of shows aren't running anymore (and what a shame that is.)

and I'll conclude tv with Psych

If you ever need a show to quote, then THIS SHOW RIGHT HERE is for you. Shawn Spencer and his friend Gus are the funniest characters ever. Shawn is a guy who pretends to be a psychic, when really he's just super observant and great at puzzles. Think "The Mentalist" but crazy facial expressions and a great sidekick.

MOVIES

Gnomeo & Juliet

I actually went with a friend to the movies and watched this yesterday. I'm a sucker for Romeo and Juliet, and actually enjoyed this movie even though it was made for little kids. I'm not saying run out and watch this movie, I'm just saying that if it's the only thing playing at the theater, then it's not a total waste of money. It's in 3-D (which I would like to protest due to it being UNNECESSARY in EVERY movie) so if you love that kind of thing, there's another reason to go and watch it.

The Crazies

This movie was actually a pleasant surprise. Personally, I don't like scary movies, but this is an exception...partially because it's not scary, it's a thriller. This movie really did make me jump quite a bit, but it also had a whole other aspect I didn't think it would-romance. And not cheesy teenage romance either. A married couple just trying to keep each other alive. It was cute and jumpy at the same time, gotta give it props for that;)

My Girlfriends Boyfriend

I wasn't expecting much out of this movie. It didn't make it to the theaters, it's "independent", and besides Alyssa Milano the other actors (I thought) were unknowns. But this movie gave me the best unexpected twist ever. It was so unexpected that at the end of the movie I almost didn't understand. And I'm sure this movie review isn't making to much sense, but I can't tell you and spoil it all. The only thing I can say is PLEASE WATCH THIS MOVIE. It's so cute, you won't regret it:)

And now, finally, music!

I can't help but start off with my new, mostest favorite band, ever. It took apromixatly 10.7 seconds for me to fall in love with
He Is We

So I'll admit that this band's songs are more for girls (not saying anything if you are a guy and you like this band, good for you) but I just can't help but love them. Youtube them, I dare you not to fall madly in love with their skill. Song to look up? Run

Gregory and The Hawk

Okay, so they look slighty creepy in this picture, and their songs are slightly creepy. They only have two that I'll listen to, but man will they blow you away. They're the kind of songs that make you sad, yet you can't help but continue to play them over and over and over. song to look up? A Wish

Ingrid Michaelson

This woman does no wrong. Okay, so maybe there are a few songs I'm not in love with, but that doesn't mean anything. She's a lyrical mastermind. Three songs of her's to look up: Parachute, Be okay, and Sort Of


And just because I can't resist leaving you with something that made my night just a little while ago here is the creepest song you will ever love. Make sure to look up this guy's other stuff on YouTube. It's not all songs, mostly just skits in fact, but he is so damn funny.

Julian Smith - I'm Reading A Book (something that I need to do soon actually...)

s m i l e

Talking to you is like riding a roller coaster. Sometimes you bring me up so high, only to go down with a simple "swoosh."
But today I'm on high.
I think I finally understand, and have decided not to push our relationship. You're taking things at your own pace, and I don't need to question if you like me any more. Any boy that will stay on the phone for three hours, put up with my parents, and actually tell me that he likes me has proved enough.
It's scary because I'm not scared. Because it just kind of feels right. And I don't want to be proved wrong, but what is a leap of faith without the leap? I just doubt myself more then I doubt you, which is unnecessary worry.
If this thing doesn't work, then yes, the floor will drop out from under me, but my world won't end. And neither will I.
So I'm ready to walk at your pace (which is annoyingly slow) and take this day by day.


confession for the day?
I'm gullible.

Until I Explode

You had a bad day?
Sit back, relax
And breathe
Because this pressure is killing me

You're the child and I'm the leader
A marching band
In this worn out theater
Putting on quite a show

And you don't even know

I'll hold it in until I explode
Stand back and watch this girl go
Because when it happens you won't need to ask
You'll know

This child's game has gotten tiring
I don't know how others deal
because with me it's all or nothing
I don't give a damn about how you feel

Because I listen all the time
And I'm always full of doubt
And honey if you really cared
You'd try to pull me out


(I wrote this maybe ten minutes ago, haha. I obviously am not feeling top form)

enamorando

The L word.
It's the scariest word I've ever heard of. It sends shivers down my spine and it makes my heart pound just a little bit faster then it should. It gives me anxiety. It brings tears to my eyes. It's the thing I crave, but won't give and am not sure to take.
I'll never want to admit to it. Because what if I do, and later find out it's not real? It was just a fake, a setup in my head sent insincerely from yours. I don't want to be a fool. Baby, don't make me a fool. I couldn't handle it again.
I think about you to much, want to see you to much. You could crush me to easily and I don't like that. You have the power to make me human.

I don't want to love you.
I refuse.
It's to easy to be mistreated
Or misused

You tell me pretty things
But honey it'll take a lot
Because when it comes to head games
I'd really rather not

You're trying to prove your worth
And I appreciate it, I do
But that doesn't make me less afraid
To fall in love with you

I wish it could be easy
Wish I knew it wouldn't hurt
But wishing won't get me anywhere
Except left in the dirt

You make all these promises
And I'd like to think they're true
But sweetheart
I'm just not allowed to fall in love with you






confession for the day?
It's taking every ounce of power I have not to push you away.

The Friend Fairy

Does anyone else have as hard a problem listening to their-selves as i do? I don't like to admit it that often, but I have a very tough time hearing what I tell myself. A small example would be "study now and you won't regret it."
So I half-heartily study and then once nothing is absorbed because I'm not trying hard enough I want to punch myself in the face come test-time.
So I wonder if this is normal. Do other people tell themselves something only to completely ignore it and regret it later? How often? because mines about 70/30 in the bad.

Among other troubles in my life that no one really cares about, but that I'm going to share anyway, I have been completely stressing myself out lately. The other night I was studying for a big chem test, reading a story for lit (that was supposed to be read two days ago..), writing an essay, and dealing with three of my friends problems.
It's no wonder I like to think of myself as superwoman.
Except superwoman seemingly looks fantastic during all of this distress and I look like shit. I'm tired of drama, I'm tired of wasting my breath, I'm sick of school, and most of all? I'm tired of having no one to tell this to.
Why do you think I spill all this crap onto the internet?
Because while I'm available 24/7 for my friends, no one has the time or the patience to deal with me. And just to who should I take this great unjustice? The friend fairy? My mother?

On the bright side I received two amazing pairs of boots last night that just can't wait to be worn!
Now if only I could convince myself to get out of bed....





confession for the day? Being a "nice girl" all the time is really grating on my nerves.

Sitting On The Floor

You control my emotions. Hold me tight. I wish that I didn't need or want to wish for anything. That feelings could be easy again. A simple tug and pull at the heartstrings. But no, I have to feel this rush.
Do you happen to feel it to?

I need to cry. These tears well up inside me but I can't seem to push them out. Part of me wants to hang on to them, to stand strong. I don't need you I tell myself. I have to believe that, because what if you don't need me? Where do I stand then?

Life gets so high when your around, whispering lovers words into my ears. But then I take the swiftest fall at any sign of weakness on your part. I need you to pull me up, and you need me to pull you up, so here we sit. Staring doe-eyed at each other while sitting on the floor.

Are you toxic to me, do you think? I'm told I can do better, be better. But no one will give me the chance to even be worse. It's expected. I'm protected by their fear. Well fuck their fear.
I want to live.

Exsisting Tonight

I'll talk to you tonight
And you'll stir my rampant fears
I may look just a child
But I'm wise beyond my years

You'll tell me secrets tonight
What you know no one else knows
And I'll keep your secrets tonight
Absorbing your all time lows

I'll dream about you tonight
Of what you are
What you could be
Realizing what you mean to me

I'll toss and turn tonight
As I'm fighting with your demons
But it's still a step back
Because I'm only dreaming

But it's not about me tonight
You, and you alone
Battling for the right
To live in your own home

There is a meaning tonight,
A "simple" lesson to be learned
Don't get close to fire
Because everyone gets burned

I'll shed some tears tonight
Because I know the demons winning
But I'll smile in the morning
Because it means a new beginning.

Happy Heart Ripping

I hate getting that feeling when you get rid of something or delete something and then right after it's gone you want it back. You get that same feeling when you say something you wish you hadn't and after it's out you realize you don't have the ability to grab words and shove them back into your mouth.
Life's just kind of funny that way I guess.
But, hey, I did make a resolution of non-resolution in which I decided to love all of the stupid, f'ed up things I will inevitably do over the year. I'm going to take a wild guess and figure that means accepting bad word choices and "oops" after certain situations..
But other than my incoherent mumblings about needing to put your foot in your mouth I should really get to a point in this blog.
Except I don't think I have one.
(Do I ever?)

Today is just one of those days where you feel the need to vent out all of your feelings, but you feelings are kinda stupid so you just make do with talking about off the wall random things (which is what I'm doing right now in case you haven't noticed).

Ever just want to rip your heart out before anyone else can get the chance? You know, to save everyone else the trouble? I think it would be the worlds biggest time saver, and that way the blame can totally just be on you and you can wallow in self-pity! Pretty clever, eh?
Now how does one go about ripping out their own heart?
This feels like a Google moment.

Happy heart ripping<3

RaWr

Up, down, up, down, you spin my head in circles please put my feet back on the ground. This is why I don't trust, why I shake to the core when I talk about feelings. crushed to many times before you, every time before you. An emotional wreck of confusion, lust, and hatred. How I wish I never liked you.
I want to help, good intentions will be be death of a girl. Creeping around isn't for me, second best isn't for me. All or nothing, everything or not a single thing at all. Only I can't, the attachment, the promise. The weight on my shoulders.
I'd like it better if I could read minds, could know what you really thought or felt. But considering that's imposable I'm not going to hold my breath. Thanks for wasted hopes and happy moments. For making me smile when I felt like life was a waste of time, is it possible that you're not as bad for me as everyone seems to think?
I doubt it.
And you should too.