Finals Week: Spoiler Alert, I Got An "F" in Love

My boyfriend recently broke up with me (and by recently I mean four days ago) and I'm being surprisingly calm about it.  Is it the calm before the storm?  Is it my new "zen" personality?  Do I just give zero fucks?
I can never figure out what is going on in my mind until I write it out, so why not do that shit publicly so any poor bastard can stumble upon it?  YES!

We have been having our differences, as any couple does, and I'll spare you all of the boring details.  It boils down to lack of communication (doesn't it always) and us being in a long distance relationship.  However, things took a real turn when he saw the new apartments that I'm going to be living in next year.  It's a gorgeous complex with a pool, hot tub, grills, game room, walk in closets; it's really the works.  I'm in love with it.  His attitude towards the impending school years changed as he saw that I want to live a rich life.  And I won't deny that shit, I want to make money and look like it too.  I've seen my parents struggle paycheck to paycheck and that isn't the life I want for myself or my future family.

So basically it's been three weeks since we saw the apartment and everything has been off.  I've been with the guy for 10, almost 11 months.  I know when shit is going down.  And this Friday, he broke up with me.
Let me first explain that it is currently finals week which means that I will be home in seven god damn days. He couldn't hold in this information for a week until my exams were over and we could talk face to face.
And what was this grand break up?  Well, it was him saying that he "doesn't love me the same."  His inspired speech contained, "I'm 25, I need to settle down" and "I don't want to struggle for the next two years.  I just don't see us going anywhere."  The really cherry was, "I still want to be friends.  You're the only girl I've ever wanted to stay friends with.  You're my longest relationship."

And we didn't finish this lovely conversation because I had to go to a meeting, but I haven't heard from him since.
I get mad every time I think about it, and I don't want to be that super clingy blind girl, but I think it's all a bold faced lie.  I think he's scared that he'll lose me and he wants to end it all before it gets any deeper.  Or maybe he really doesn't love me any more.  I really just can't focus or think of anything (like my motherfucking finals) when we haven't ended our conversation.  When I just let my jaw drop as I thought of all the things we've been though.
And the settle down thing is a joke, I won't bother to explain why, just trust me.


Okay, well that was just me explaining....that thing I said I wouldn't do in the beginning.  Oh well.  I can't figure any of this out, but I'll be damned if  I shed any tears for a silly confused boy who doesn't appreciate the driven, funny, smart, and generous chick in front of him.

Night, ya'll

Hair Chalk and Real Talk

My dad thought it would be brilliant to buy me hair chalk...
blue looks pretty smashing on him I think:)

Fucking love birds we are.

Making faces like it's our job.

My mom and dad pretending we actually took this picture on Christmas.

And my boyfriend let me hair-chalk him a green mohawk because he's the best.  He's also very photogenic.  It's annoying.

Two Months Shy of Forever

I'm 20, I don't think I did a birthday post this year, but it's important that you know that I'm sitting here on the very cusp of my 20's, eager to see what lays before me.  I also have a boyfriend and I've posted a good bit of pictures on here of us in case you need a face to match to the stories.  We've been dating a little over 5 months (not very long, yet forever at the same time) and his 25th birthday is in January.
Excuse me while I panic, but he sees me as his forever.  Like, those words pretty much came out of his mouth.  Worse, "marriage" came out of his mouth.
I can't even explain how panicked that makes me feel, and even just a little caged in.  Yet it's totally endearing at the same time.  I'm not upset, I'm just marveling at the fact that someone thinks they can put up with my shit 24/7.
Also, I'm ready to live on my own, pay rent, and be an adult...but I'm not ready to be that kind of adult.  In the mean time, I'll enjoy my boyfriend and try not to think about how absolutely bat shit crazy he must be.

xoxo

Being Shiny, The World's Most Troubled Trophy Girlfiend

September has been a busy month.  I don't know what exactly I've been busy with, but it's been taking up all of my time.
It's probably been busy because of the boyyyyyyfriendddddd.  I'm pretty much just amazed that we're still together.  That he still likes me and doesn't think I'm a total wacko is magic-carpet-ride level amazing.  Having him as a boyfriend has been kind of like living in a movie.  Of course he has his flaws, but 90% of the time he literally treats me like a long-lost princess, and I couldn't be more grateful.
But I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Like, he's going to realize that I'm too demanding and totally not worth it, at any second.  When will I stop being the shiny new trophy?

Not only that, but his short, itty-bitty list of flaws is slowly diminishing as he decides to make life changes for me.  BE AWARE:  I did not ask for any of these changes, they are his own personal goals that I just happen to support.  Just wanted to clear that up before I got some major judgement from the peanut gallery.
Baby list of flaws:
A smoker,
Stoner (like the wake and bake, eat and bake, work and bake, drive and bake, bake and bake kind),
Living with a friend's family,
Unreliable car,
Low-level job (by this I mean that he can't really get much higher in the management than he already is, and it's not his dream job.  Not that he knows what his dream job is, haha),
Low self esteem

He's cut back on smoking (at least when I'm around, which is good enough for me since he's Mr. Two-Packs-A-Day), he's quitting pot for a while, and he's saving up for a car and his own place (probably with all that pot money he now has leftover).  He's also considering technical school.
I could list my flaws for years and years and years.  Basically infinity plus one.  And this guy still thinks I'm too hot to roam around college because I'll get hit on.  More like hit by...a giant truck.

To be honest, when we first got together, I was mostly just infatuated with how much he liked me.  It was a rush to be admired so much, and then to be treated so well, as if it were a natural everyday thing.  But now I"m in love with how willing he is to change and be there for me.  Like he's not just going to be the pillars on my porch, he's also going to be the walls in my house.  And possibly the roof.
How do I repay that?  How do I accept that?
What would I do if that went away?

Shit, even when things in life work out the good has consequences.  What's with that?

The Best Bullshitter On This Side Of The East Coast

Well, I promised a boyfriend story, but now gentle viewers I think I have to break that promise.  When I first started seeing *Rick I was in a state of disbelief and confusion.  How had this situation come about?  What was I going to do about it?  Will this panic go away?
Well the panic has faded and a love haze has once again clouded my eyes.  Fuck doesn't even cover the "oh shit" feeling I have about that.

So I don't even want to talk about how it all came out.  I mean, long story short I met him at a bonfire, he was interested in me (I didn't think much of it), he perused me for a few weeks, we kissed, I stopped being a bitch.
Now he does things like dive an hour out of his way to come and see me, he won't let me pay for anything, and the sex is fantastic, and let's be honest, I deserved some great sex after the great fiasco of the Oreo Ice Pack.  He says things like, "you know you're a 10 dating a 6, right?" and he never stops complimenting me.
I legitimately don't know what to do with shit like that.  Ignore me, I'm up for the challenge.  Be mean to me, I can take it.  But be nice to me?  I just give him confused looks all the time.  The ability to graciously accept compliments isn't something I know how to do.  In fact, any suggestions will damn well be welcome.

Now I can't tell if I'm dating the best bullshitter on this side of the East Coast, or if this guy is genuine and safe to believe.  I had no idea my faith in men had fallen so far off the radar, yet here I am, blithely nodding my head to whatever he says while saying "bullshitbullshitbullshit" in my head.  I don't have time to fall down the rabbit hole this time, I need to keep my head on.
Then I have the part that says if this guy is being real right now, I'm missing out on some really great memories and kind words.  Who knows when I'll find someone who treats me like this again?

This is just what my head has been spending all of it's free time thinking about, thought I would share it with the world.  I'm sure more exciting things have happened, but you know me.  A guy walks into my life and I drop everything else like it's about to infect me with Ebola.  Good times.

A picture of our cuteness because a sick part of me just can't resist.

The Adjustment Period

Holy shit, I leave for a month and it feels like a year.  I didn't post anything because I've been busy adjusting myself from dorm life to home life - and what an adjustment it's been.
A curfew again, my mom is sticking her nose in my business, and I've gone from a roommate to a sister.  Let's just say I'm still getting used to it all.
When I was at school I missed the warmth and love in homemade cooking.  Now that I'm home, I find I miss the steadiness of an actual meal at meal time.  Oh well, you can't have everything.

I also have a boyfriend now, and just wait until I actually have the patience to sit down and write about this whole shenanigan.  It's quite the whirlwind romance, and if you actually read my blog then you know that I have NO BUSINESS being anyone's girlfriend.  It's a miracle I haven't killed him, or myself, with awkwardness and bad puns yet.  It's even more of a miracle that he likes me enough to want to date me and not just fuck.  Because, you know, I have such low expectations and all.
Anyways,
hold on to your keyboards children, summer's just begun.

An Apology (and explanation) Letter To My Future Husband (should I ever get one)

Hello my beautiful blog!  I've been hiding from you.  Yes, hiding...because of that last post, the one that I STILL can't read but refuse to delete.  It reeks of how low and pathetic I was and can be; plus I pretty much cried the whole time I wrote it.  It was an emotional breakdown that I'll admit I'm still not dealing with.  It's all basically "la-la-la-la-la-plug-my-ears-and-move-on."
Big surprise that it's not working well for me.

Here's Example A of how well things are going:
I meet Joe Schmo at a frat party.  He's pretty cute, tall, awkward, and one-hundred and twenty percent into me.  We talk, we badly dance, I give him a chaste kiss and my phone number (lalalalalalalalalalalala).
Then we hung out the next day...for six hours.  We strolled around campus, looked at a few sights, held hands.  It was all very cheesy and 1950's.  I took him to one of my good friend's house, mistake #249,904.  The awkwardness clung to the air around me, I felt so forced into even the simple intimacy of sitting next to him. Finally I couldn't take it any more.  I asked the poor kid to leave.
Have you ever had to do that?  Is there a polite way to ask someone to get the fuck out before you use your North Face to hang yourself from the ceiling fan?  Personally I couldn't think of one and I was in panic mode.
I think I did an okay job though, by saying, "I'd really like to just hang out with my friends now." then I kissed him and said "can that be a goodnight kiss?" (damn smooth for panic mode, am I right?)
And I have not talked to him since.  If the guilt is killing me, then the anger I feel at myself for being such a complicated bitch has already bought my headstone.
I realized just how much I do not, repeat DO NOT, want a relationship.  I don't want to share my friends or my time with anyone else.  I can't be bothered by the strange "I like you," and "I like you too" but "how much?" parts of a budding relationshit relationship.  Yet I threw away the friends-with-benefits part of my life because I fell in love with the guy and wanted more.  But I don't want more?  You see, I put a question mark there because I'm really not fucking sure.

So yeah, I'm not really okay.  But I am.  Like, I'm functional and happy, just occasionally confused.  Also, I'm on the brink of making stupid decisions, like texting the guy I'm still in love with for his birthday so when I'm out for the summer we can have lunch and catch up.  I keep asking people whether they think it's a good idea or not, and they all say the same thing.  I'm not sure why I keep asking, I know what I 'm going to end up doing.
And so continues the denial train, choo-choo-motherfucker!

My Holiday Heart-to-Heart

I'm going to tell you all a secret:  I'm really bad at keeping my own secrets.  You know how sometimes you're dared by your friends to "tell them something you've never told anyone?"  I never have one of those, because I share everything about myself.  The gross stuff, the sex stuff, all the times I fall up (and down) the stairs.  I have never done something interesting & not told at least one person.

Until now.  I recently did something stupid and it's a personal dare for me to keep it to myself.  However, since I don't know anyone personally who reads my blog, I'm thinking that writing about it won't break the dare.  Also, I think that it's a really good lesson.

I'm not afraid of my mistakes, which is good since I make a lot of them.  I'll blush and be embarrassed, but I'll own up to them, because in the end they're (usually) always a good thing.  That sounds very Yoda or Gandhi, but I swear it's the truth.  So when I told someone recently that I loved them knowing they didn't feel the same way, I at first considered it a mistake.  It was awkward and sad, but it was also possibly the most amazing thing I'd done in a long time.

My love for this person wasn't the right kind.  It was heavy and depressing, and it made me feel like I had an obsession instead of a romance.  I couldn't leave this poor guy alone (or more accurately, I couldn't stop sleeping with him).  I kept thinking, "if I stick around for just a little bit longer he'll want me.  He'll see how great I am."
Yeah, that didn't happen.
What it finally took was me telling him that I loved him.  I was passing this heavy weight of love from myself to him.  He was to walk away knowing that he's looking for something I already freely gave.  And you would think him not loving me back would make me sad, but it actually makes me feel better.  I gave everything I could and it wasn't enough.  What a sad man he must be to not find happiness with one of the most amazing things a person can offer.

So that's my secret, it doesn't seem like much on the internet, but my friends would shit a baby if they knew that I even contacted this guy again, much less told him I loved him.

So here's to no regrets, I loved, I lost, and I learned a lesson.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Gypsy Living

I'm tired
I've written of a love I'll never taste
A dried up tongue
From cutting up too many words
With my hate
With my haste

And I'm cold
My fingers frozen to the bones
Still they type away
Poems
That will never be read
Like Emily Dickenson
I'd rather be dead than publish

My secrets aren't dark
And they aren't anything new
But cut me open, and this
Is all that I am
A broken spirited disaster
With a splash of art
The one thing I can always love
That won't tear me apart

I am human, I bleed
I feel what others feel
My empathy knows no bounds
It vibrates off my skin
and pours out of my eyes
It floats until it finds it's way up
To some heaven beyond our skies

I hope to one day travel
I'd like to see the world
And I wonder what it'd make of me
A simple, vacant girl...
I've never felt quite whole
I'm only a half; a piece
I'm looking for some dirt from France
To complete the rest of me

I want to taste the accents
On the words that make me smile
And feel rain on my skin
That's traveled over desert miles
I just might give up love
If it meant a gypsy living
The only thing that stops me
Is fear of my own empty,
bitter ending.

Loose Change

My love is poisonous,
Like a snake in the grass.
No one ever survives.
No one can seem to get past.

My love is wrong,
Like a word written backwards.
Erase and repeat,
I never find what I seek.

My love is a waste,
Laid wreckage from a war
No one will take it,
No one wants me anymore.

My love is loose change,
At the bottom of a cup,
Sticky and messy,
And all used up.

I never ask for love back.
No romantic woe.
That's why I loose so much;
I'm the only one to let it go.

Because my love isn't free,
It comes at a cost:
A part of my heart
For each lover lost.

It sounds dramatic,
A bit overdone.
But that's the bite of love
The price of losing someone.

My love doesn't fight,
It sits and remembers.
My love doesn't ignite,
It's just flameless embers.


Clearly I'm feeling like a big, bright ball of sunshit.  It's two in the morning, I have class tomorrow, and I just want a giant cheeseburger.
I'm sorry for being so sappy, I really do have a relatively good opinion of myself.  I just can't seem to get anyone to think I'm good enough to keep around and it's damn frustrating.  I wish I could stop trying, but I'm one of those pushy never-give-up bitches.  Let's get a round of applause for my gene pool when it comes to those traits.
Have a smashing night, and a blessed day.

The Rules of Existing

I'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you and you don't even care that I exist   I tried to be friends with benefits, I tried to be just friends, and now these dreams that I have of us...  They tell me that I still see you in my future.  I want so badly to hang on to you, because when you love someone you never want to give them up, but I've degraded myself for you so much already.
You don't even know and if you did you wouldn't care.  It hurts, it's so fucking painful and it makes me feel so lonely.  I feel like if I can't make you love me back, how can I ever expect to get it from someone else?
I would be anything you wanted me to be.  Older, younger, wilder, smarter.  I'd do anything for you and we don't even talk more than once a week anymore.
I need to keep contact with you, but I can't detach myself.  I thought I was okay, I didn't think being "just friends" would bother me.  You've made me your booty call, and part of me thinks that's fine!
I just don't want to be alone anymore, and I feel like you're the one person who should make that better, not worse.

The Crowd-Pleaser

If you look back to my posts from about a year ago you'll see where I was talking about a boy who was older than me and troublesome and I really went through a lot of heartache with him. I'm what I would call an overly-nice person, and needless to say, we are still friends. Our friendship is even a little better for it all. We've both hurt each other and then forgiven each other countless times, and it's nice to be on that kind of comfort level with someone.
Or so I thought.

When my boyfriend and I broke up he opened up and said that he was insanely jealous that I'd been with someone else and it had made him realize how much he liked me. I resisted, like a good little girl.
But once you've been "getting at it" for a few months and then suddenly it's taken away from you, loneliness sets in. All kinds of loneliness.
So I let him in, and finally made the strict restriction of friends with benefits. One bad relationship for the year was enough (and let's be honest here, I'm still all hung up on my ex).
AND THE MOTHERFUCKER CRIED.
I'm trying to be a crowd-pleaser here and do something that benefits everyone, and he's crying? This is during our Christmas gift exchange too.
Just to end this little story/rant my new resolve is to suck up my lonliness because now NO ONE will get what they want. Back to simply being friends it is, I no longer wish to deal with his silly nonsense.


Obviously, everything is swell.



Confession for the day: I'm extremely vindictive, and I'll put aside what I truly want, just to teach you what I believe is a useful lesson. If you think about it, I'm like a charming, vicious Saint.

enamorando

The L word.
It's the scariest word I've ever heard of. It sends shivers down my spine and it makes my heart pound just a little bit faster then it should. It gives me anxiety. It brings tears to my eyes. It's the thing I crave, but won't give and am not sure to take.
I'll never want to admit to it. Because what if I do, and later find out it's not real? It was just a fake, a setup in my head sent insincerely from yours. I don't want to be a fool. Baby, don't make me a fool. I couldn't handle it again.
I think about you to much, want to see you to much. You could crush me to easily and I don't like that. You have the power to make me human.

I don't want to love you.
I refuse.
It's to easy to be mistreated
Or misused

You tell me pretty things
But honey it'll take a lot
Because when it comes to head games
I'd really rather not

You're trying to prove your worth
And I appreciate it, I do
But that doesn't make me less afraid
To fall in love with you

I wish it could be easy
Wish I knew it wouldn't hurt
But wishing won't get me anywhere
Except left in the dirt

You make all these promises
And I'd like to think they're true
But sweetheart
I'm just not allowed to fall in love with you






confession for the day?
It's taking every ounce of power I have not to push you away.

Sticky Situations

Twisted up inside
You put your best foot first
With your Sunday finest on
But this taking and making of love
Just takes to long

Make a misstep
Tripping when you take a step
Can't fake it
So I choose not to walk
Wishing that I could

But it's a tightrope
Wrapped around my neck
Choking me to be my best
When my luck runs out
I'll be the one to blame

Put these empty wishes to rest
Can't complain about failing
If I won't take the test
The fear isn't running out
Just sinking in

Story - chapter one

so as I said in my first post I'd like to start posting chapters to a story of mine that I'm writing on here. It started out as a fan-fiction (based on ryan ross) but I thought that was kind of silly so I changed it up.

This story is about a girl named Laney and how she is trying to create a new life for herself in an old place after just losing her job and apartment on an attempt to leave home. Her best friend Kali takes her in, and while she is back in Vegas she see's her first love. As you would have it fate throws them together again, but Ryan, her love, has changed a lot since she's last seen him. Fame and the land of the fake people has made him a demanding jerk who doesn't know how to appreciate what he has. So while Laney is still trying to figure herself out she decides to take on a mission she might not be able to handle: Ryan.

If no one likes it I'll stop posting chapters, if they do, chapter's will come more rapidly:) So if you like it, be sure to let me know & yell at me if I start to slack off on posting.


-----------------


"Laney, you can not give your parents the satisfaction of you coming home!" Kali screamed into my ear. I want you to know that first of all, I am not deaf; my friend just likes to fly off the handle. Second of all, she is absolutely and completely right. My parents would get sick pleasure if I came home and admitted that I should’ve listened to them and that, yes, moving away was a very bad idea. But that doesn’t mean that I’m to proud to do it. They were right, moving was a bad idea. All it has brought is trouble, trouble, trouble and I didn’t want to sick around to see what the hell was going to be next in my life here.

I sighed, "You don't get it. I just lost my job and my only form of transportation is walking. As in I'm to poor to ride the bus! And, hello, woke up to an eviction notice. Number three might I add." I shook my head, thinking of how sad my poor little life had become. I’m not really sure exactly who or what really convinced me to move here, the middle of nowhere in a shabby apartment (more like hotel.) It was like I just woke up one day and said to myself, “hey! I know what would make my life that much worse.” I’ll admit I was being a tiny bit over-dramatic, but put your self in my situation. You wouldn’t be a happy camper either, let me tell you.

"I've said it once and I'll say it again, you can come live with me! And don't worry about paying rent; you can work it off at the diner. I swear, just don't go back to your parents,” she told me with excitement in the edge of her voice.

Kali had been asking me to live with her ever since she found out what kind of place I was staying in. And I knew why she didn't want me to go back to the parentals. My mom is what someone might call a “marriage nazi.” All she can think about is me giving her grandchildren and getting married before I get old and gray. I suppose she felt like her life was a failure when she married my dad, but if you ask me she has her priorities messed up. I should be the one trying to get married, not her. She should be looking at retirement homes for me to put her happy ass in. My father is a completely different story. I think that if my mom and I let him he would just sit in his comfy chair and drool all day. Kali knew that one more trip to them would break me.

"I don't know, Kali. It's just-"

"Pack your stuff, I'll be there to get you on Wednesday, and I won't take no for an answer. You're coming back to Vegas," she told me with conviction. Before I could even get in half a syllable she hung up the phone. Kali was taking charge, and I couldn’t help but be grateful.

Vegas, the place I grew up in, I had been threw hell and back there, and then some. It was basically a shiny insane asylum with to many people and to much money… I couldn’t wait to go back.

I turned to the people in the store who had kindly let me use their phone. I gave them a quick “thank you” and a smile, and then turned to leave. A mouthwatering aroma hit me like a tidal wave and I gave a yearning look at some hot-looking melty doughnuts. Then I remembered the only thing in my pockets was lint. There was more sighing, this time longingly, as I exited the store.

Walking the streets at night was never the smartest idea but how else was I supposed to get around? I looked down at the cracked sidewalk that led to my oh-so-lovely apartment. There was random trash and odd (sometimes gross) things thrown all over the place, you’d never guess what kind of stuff people are always losing. I swiftly walked up to my door and got out my key. Then I noticed it. Just in case I hadn’t seen the neon green letter taped to my door this morning, there was another one. EVICTION NOTICE was written in huge letters across the paper. It was like they wanted everyone who had the misfortune to walk by to notice it. Almost seemed a bit…ignorant. But then again, I was the one who didn’t pay the rent; I guess after a few months of that they were allowed to get ignorant.

I walked inside the shabby crap hole and did a flying leap onto the bed. It wasn’t the sturdiest piece of equipment, but it was better than nothing. I lied on my back and looked up at the water stains on the ceiling. They were all different kinds of shapes and sometimes made me feel like I was at a psychologist’s office looking at inkblots. I rolled back over onto my stomach and closed my eyes, completely exhausted from the day’s adventures. I suppose the upside to not having a job anymore is that I could have all day to pack and get rid of anything I didn’t want anymore. Oh the fun.

--

Not having much to choose from I did the best I could in the outfit department. I wanted to look like I wasn’t doing as bad as I sounded when Kali finally got here. I had just put on my shoes when my stomach growled. I growled back, you know you’re in the bad when you literally have no food. I looked at the four boxes of stuff I now owned and the empty apartment around me. I had taken care of those damn eviction notices this morning thank god. I told Nick, my landlord, that I’d be sending him a check in the mail and that I would not be around anymore for him to harass. It was, for the most part, a sweet moment of victory for me.

There was knocking at my door and I jumped up from my sitting position on the floor. My heart started pounding and my hands started shaking. I hadn’t seen Kali in such a long time, what if she was completely different from how she used to be. What if we got on each others nerves? My mind started coming up with 100 million different scenarios. Then the door opened and a head popped in.

Kali stepped into the apartment and opened her arms with a squeal. She had a huge smile on her face that practically blinded me. I ran over to her and we jumped into a hug.

“Kali! I’m so happy to see you!” I told her. We left the hug and stepped back to take a good look at each other. She was still taller than me and had her natural red hair stick strait, just hitting her shoulders. She had a crap load of makeup on that 5 years ago she wouldn’t be caught dead in and an outfit that probably cost about 90 dollars more than mine.

"It's been so long since I've seen you girl," Kali said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah, I know.” I felt bad about it, too. I had hardly kept contact with her since I moved away from my parents. I couldn’t wait to catch up with her and see what all I’d missed.

We loaded up all of my things into her cute little car and then we hit the road. I didn’t feel any remorse for the place that had been my private prison for the past six months. I was ready for a new start in an old place.