Foreign Like A God

The words are alien,
Salty in my mouth
And when I roll my tongue back,
The sea and fish pour out.

The waves crest,
A powerful unrest,
It started when the sandman rang,
Gently thieving youth with his breath

Ashes to ashes,
We all burn down
The more I yearn for that urn
Longer in the ocean I drown

A force on it's axis
A destroyer on it's side
When gravity pulls me back again
I become its shotgun bride

I ask where are you now
Do you fill my lungs as I breathe?
Or have you forsaken this empty realm,
For a change of scenery?

The past is arrogant
The future, naked
What's to be found
When present's an imitation?

Forgetting you
And finding me
Is foreign like a God,
Who would push me into salty sea
For I have not forgot.


------------------

About my friend, Rae, who passed away about two and a half months ago.  It's gotten easier, but I still think about it every day.

The Blues and Tattoos

I didn't think that having a new roommate would hit me this hard, I at least didn't think I would cry until I saw the room or something.  The new girl seems nice, it just makes Rachel's passing away a very final reality.  It doesn't help that there is nothing I can do about it.

Also, everyone is talking about getting a tattoo in memory of Rae, and I like that idea in theory.  I've never gotten a tattoo before, and it's not because I don't like them, it's because they're permanent.  If I'm going to have to look at it forever, I better like it forever.  I just need time to process and think about it.  Like three years kind of time.
I'm slow, don't act surprised.
I just want to be sure of what I want, it won't magic eraser off my body if I change my mind last minute.

Irony and I

My last post was about how I apply the five stages of grief to my love life, it was very self involved - like most of the things I talk about.

Last Sunday, the 21st, my roommate/best friend passed away in a car accident.  I went to her funeral yesterday, spoke, and made her memory boards.

I'm okay now, but I don't quite know what to say about it.  It's something that has affected all of my friends, and that will continue to affect us.  I wish I'd done and said things differently, I re-thought some of my actions.  I now have to deal with actual grief.
Sometimes it hasn't hit me, and then something small, like getting ready for my friends birthday party, will make me think of her.  She'll never get ready for a party with me again, something we did about 100 times last school year.

I'm not in the mood to be sappy and drawn out, in fact this has left me very short tempered and dissatisfied about regular things in my life.  I just felt like I owe her, and myself, some perspective on life.  There are real things to grieve over.

Rachel and I, during a night out.

Ms. Itall

I miss you, even though you're mean and obnoxious. I miss the way you would kiss me and make jokes I didn't get. I miss the way you would make fun of my parking. I miss the way you would put food in the microwave and call it cooking (and believe it). I miss your smile, I miss your texts, and I miss not watching movies with you. I miss making you hold my hand while you drove and picking on you about littering.

But mostly I miss the way you used to put up with my crazy ass.

I'm not the easiest to deal with all the time, but I'm worth it.
And in the end, you're the one missing out.
but I do still miss you....

Become Us

Death does not become us
It isn't pretty
Or kind
Not loving
Yet occasionally blind

It mocks us
With age
A sleeping sickness
The war we wage

Death is not ours
Not to handle
Or to contain
A stranger to life
It leaves nothing the same

Death is what makes man equal
The same fate
On a different date
No one can escape
Death does not become us

*a sad side note, just so know one thinks I'm emo or anything I wrote this after my grandmother died.