Finals Week: Spoiler Alert, I Got An "F" in Love

My boyfriend recently broke up with me (and by recently I mean four days ago) and I'm being surprisingly calm about it.  Is it the calm before the storm?  Is it my new "zen" personality?  Do I just give zero fucks?
I can never figure out what is going on in my mind until I write it out, so why not do that shit publicly so any poor bastard can stumble upon it?  YES!

We have been having our differences, as any couple does, and I'll spare you all of the boring details.  It boils down to lack of communication (doesn't it always) and us being in a long distance relationship.  However, things took a real turn when he saw the new apartments that I'm going to be living in next year.  It's a gorgeous complex with a pool, hot tub, grills, game room, walk in closets; it's really the works.  I'm in love with it.  His attitude towards the impending school years changed as he saw that I want to live a rich life.  And I won't deny that shit, I want to make money and look like it too.  I've seen my parents struggle paycheck to paycheck and that isn't the life I want for myself or my future family.

So basically it's been three weeks since we saw the apartment and everything has been off.  I've been with the guy for 10, almost 11 months.  I know when shit is going down.  And this Friday, he broke up with me.
Let me first explain that it is currently finals week which means that I will be home in seven god damn days. He couldn't hold in this information for a week until my exams were over and we could talk face to face.
And what was this grand break up?  Well, it was him saying that he "doesn't love me the same."  His inspired speech contained, "I'm 25, I need to settle down" and "I don't want to struggle for the next two years.  I just don't see us going anywhere."  The really cherry was, "I still want to be friends.  You're the only girl I've ever wanted to stay friends with.  You're my longest relationship."

And we didn't finish this lovely conversation because I had to go to a meeting, but I haven't heard from him since.
I get mad every time I think about it, and I don't want to be that super clingy blind girl, but I think it's all a bold faced lie.  I think he's scared that he'll lose me and he wants to end it all before it gets any deeper.  Or maybe he really doesn't love me any more.  I really just can't focus or think of anything (like my motherfucking finals) when we haven't ended our conversation.  When I just let my jaw drop as I thought of all the things we've been though.
And the settle down thing is a joke, I won't bother to explain why, just trust me.


Okay, well that was just me explaining....that thing I said I wouldn't do in the beginning.  Oh well.  I can't figure any of this out, but I'll be damned if  I shed any tears for a silly confused boy who doesn't appreciate the driven, funny, smart, and generous chick in front of him.

Night, ya'll

Ms. Itall

I miss you, even though you're mean and obnoxious. I miss the way you would kiss me and make jokes I didn't get. I miss the way you would make fun of my parking. I miss the way you would put food in the microwave and call it cooking (and believe it). I miss your smile, I miss your texts, and I miss not watching movies with you. I miss making you hold my hand while you drove and picking on you about littering.

But mostly I miss the way you used to put up with my crazy ass.

I'm not the easiest to deal with all the time, but I'm worth it.
And in the end, you're the one missing out.
but I do still miss you....

If I have a question, you have a problem.

When a boy ends a relationship with a girl, the girl wants to know why, and she wants to know more than why. How could he do that? Why did she deserve it? What did she do? How can she fix it? Why wont you talk to her? Why are you acting like a jerk? What else could she have given you? Did you cheat? Are you lying?

But the truth of the matter is, what are we going to do with this information once we get it? Asking these questions is really just a way of dragging out the inevitable post-break up silence. We hope that if we force our presence upon these guys that they will see what they're missing.
But deep down we know that we're really just being a hot mess and that he does not want any of this.

I can openly admit that while I'm writing this I'm thinking of some way to text my now "ex" boyfriend and pester him into telling me why he broke up with me even though I don't know why I should even bother. I know it's pointless. I know I won't like the answer he gives me, no matter what that answer is.

Admittably, every situation is different. For example, in my case he didn't cheat on me (that I know about), but he didn't nicely break up with me either. The whole adventure has been him being mean to me for no reason. I've yet to understand why (and that, of course, is one of my many questions).
Some girls are good at moving on and simply thinking "well, I guess he just doesn't like me anymore."
But as we established in my last post, I'm bat shit crazy.
Because I'm a very pretty, (usually) nice, funny, fun, crazy (the good kind as well), easy going, up for anything type of girl. I strongly believe that if I've given a guy everything I have then he should damn well be content. And if he's not? Well then we have a mother 'effin problem. I will not rest until I know what I've done to upset you so much that you feel the need to completely disengage in conversation with me. You don't "want to be friends" or "f*ck buddies" you completely want to cut off contact.
I'm to cool for that!

So I'm on a mission to understand this, and it will undoubtably end in me hysterically crying and drinking night time cold medicine to fall asleep.
Oh, the joys of being a female.

enamorando

The L word.
It's the scariest word I've ever heard of. It sends shivers down my spine and it makes my heart pound just a little bit faster then it should. It gives me anxiety. It brings tears to my eyes. It's the thing I crave, but won't give and am not sure to take.
I'll never want to admit to it. Because what if I do, and later find out it's not real? It was just a fake, a setup in my head sent insincerely from yours. I don't want to be a fool. Baby, don't make me a fool. I couldn't handle it again.
I think about you to much, want to see you to much. You could crush me to easily and I don't like that. You have the power to make me human.

I don't want to love you.
I refuse.
It's to easy to be mistreated
Or misused

You tell me pretty things
But honey it'll take a lot
Because when it comes to head games
I'd really rather not

You're trying to prove your worth
And I appreciate it, I do
But that doesn't make me less afraid
To fall in love with you

I wish it could be easy
Wish I knew it wouldn't hurt
But wishing won't get me anywhere
Except left in the dirt

You make all these promises
And I'd like to think they're true
But sweetheart
I'm just not allowed to fall in love with you






confession for the day?
It's taking every ounce of power I have not to push you away.

"give me no lies and keep your hands to yourself"

I'm sorry. my last few blogs have been about my relationship problems and me venting about how stupid guys are and such. And I'm sorry because by now your probably bored with it, don't give a damn, or are completely confused.
So this post (and, hell, possibly the whole damn blog) is about and for me and only me. It's for my venting and ranting purposes only thankyouverymuch.

Today was a bittersweet hell that has left me believing that for some strange reason karma decided to just take a huge crap on my day (btw, it now owes me). It started off with having a flat tire on the way to the bus stop, so flat in fact that the tire was about to come off the rim. So we hopped into the trusty ole' truck. And no sooner had we tried to shoot out of the driveway did the freaking talegate come off and start flopping around like a fish out of water. We stick the talegate into the truck and try to continue on our way...and miss the bus.

You might think that I'd be able to take a freaking sign, right? It would appear pretty obvious that I'm not ment to go to school today. But no, I have to persist. I have to be my usual hard-headed self and wake my mom up to treck to school in her car (about a half an hour drive).
Its the second to last day of school and we aren't doing anything important but run around the school and hang out with friends, but i still just hadddd to go.

*skipping to the REALLY IMPORTANT (and shitty-er) part of my day*

That guy that I talked about in my last two posts is still hanging around, fooling with my head and my emotions. He won't talk to me for a few days and then he'll snuggle up to me and flirt. Talk about mixed signs.
Anyways, I won this game that ment he "had" to make out with me (winner got to make out with him, we weren't really gonna take it seriously, but since I won the game...) we met up later and after a few flirtatious moves there were were, kissing it up. Then getting interrupted. then kissing it up again.
After a final interruption we stopped (finally, a sign I listen to!) You would think, "yay you! kissing the guy you like and all that, you get em!" right? I mean, that's what the hell I was thinking.
Then he started all this mumbo-jumbo nonsense about being friends with benefits and other girls and yadda-yadda-blah-blah. I'm not a friends with benefits kind of girl. Date me or hate me, it's how I play and I told him so (but not as frank...)

so later on he starts more crap by saying "sorry" and "I feel horrible." I live with no regrets (or at least I make an effort to) so I tell him not to worry about it and it's all good. Then he asks if I'm gonna tell anyone. WARNING LIGHT NUMBER 187! because of course I was gonna tell my best girl friends. What good friend won't tell the juicy bits??
then he tells me that he just wished that this had never happened.




EXCUSE ME? screw that. I ignored his efforts to apologize (yet again) for the rest of the day and am not going to talk to him until he's good and tortured. I'm not yet sure if I should laugh, cry, or hit something.
but I feel much better now that I've ranted. Chocolate, alcohol, and a nap -- here I come!
(oh, and the title is from a hit song by the Georgia Satellites)

follow up

Ooh, I knew it. I knew I was going to do it. Things have gotten a tiny bit complicated (it's mostly my fault) and I'm truly, honestly ready to just run away from it all. Why is it that you can never have a guy without some sort of drama happening? Every time I like a guy this happens, and it reminds me why I stay single.
And okay, like I said this whole ordeal is mostly my fault and my body image issues. But I can't sit there while you say you like me (but don't show it) and then flirt and talk to other girls more then me. I'm sorry if it makes me feel like shit even though there isn't really anything wrong with it. It's how I operate. It's how girls who don't have high self-esteem operate.
So don't just sit there and think I'm a damn mind reader, if you like me, tell me, if you don't, stop leading me on.
Thank you.

understand my madness

Okay so I have this little problem of whining and complaining about not liking anyone, or not having them like me, but then when it happens I just drop them once the going gets tough. Once things get the least bit complicated I dust my hands off with them! It's like they're worth the time to complain about, but not to deal with. Needless to say I'm not yet sure how I"m going to get a guy to understand my madness when even I don't understand it!

To top off my fight or flight tendencies I have the experience of a nun and the flirting abilities to go with it. My friends (nicely, if there is such a thing) make fun of me for it, but it truly is a problem for me. I'm not sure how I can get in this 'flit practice' and not risk my insane fear of being rejected. I'm not ugly or anything, but I have this issue with picking the worst guys for myself. The ones that like me, but like other girls more, making me feel like I'm never good enough and always being the one rejected in the end. This is why I have less flirting skills then my grandma.
And would you like to know how my oh-so-wonderful friends suggest I get a guy to like me and such?

Suggestion's

1) Flash him (because that would make a great first impression)
2) Just make out with him (because I have such talent in that area)
and my favorite,
3) If he doesn't like you I'll just kick him (the perfect recipe for instant love)

Surprisingly enough, none of those are helpful. Haha, and even if I did somehow magically get a guy to like me (because this has happened before) I end up not liking him anymore. For some reasons I only the the ones that don't like me.
Life's funny that way I suppose.

so if you understand my madness and would like to give me any suggestions, I'd love to hear em.