Violence solves EVERYTHING.

I don't want you, but I don't want you with anyone else.
That's not fair of me,
But apparently my heart does't give a shit.

There's a sixteen year age difference between this other lady and me, I'm curious how the fuck that even makes sense.

I don't want to care. I'm making every effort not to.
But when I see shit like that and it makes me angry, I just can't help myself.
I want to punch you in the gut.
and then step on your toes.
and then grab you by the ear and toss you into a big pile of snow or mud.

And your lovely lady can say that I fucked up, but no, really it was you. You're the one that couldn't be more than friends and less than dating.
So fuck you, fucking her. It's disgusting.

I think I can still be your friend, though.

I just need to take a breather. Or hit you. Then I think I'll be okay again.
Or you two could break up and we can go back to being normal until you find a new, equally disgusting fuck-buddy.

A Woman Scorned...

Well, I finally got that kick in the ass that I seem to have needed.
About a week ago my ex texted me for the first time in forever, and I'm not going to lie, I thought he wanted to be friends again. Which would mean sexytimeeeeeee. Whoo, super exciting, right??

Long story short, we talked a little bit during the week, and I asked him out for lunch (so that it would hopefully lack that "date" feel) and got no reply. I let this settle for about three days of no talk, before I gave in and called. I simply wanted to clear the air and make sure we were on the same page.
We were not, we were so very, very not.
This is a toned down version of how the first phone call went:
Him: hello? Who's this?
me: Hey, Brandon-
Him: Who is this?
Me: Deliliah but I-
Him: What do you want?
Me: ...Well if you've deleted my number then I guess you've answered my question.
Him: What? No, you don't fucking call and then hang up like that, what's your damn question?
Me: (stumbling over my words) I called to see.. to know if you wanted to be friends, but I'm guessing-
Him: Look, spit it the fuck out, I'm getting off work and I can barely fucking hear you, so speak up.
Me: Fine, I'll call you on my house phone so that you can hear me
Him: Well hurry up then


I need you to have this picture in your head: Think of me as a mouse with a weird flower of some sort, and I'm trying to give it to this mean house cat so that it'll be nice to me, and not try to bite my head off. Then think of me trying to give that cat some cheese, lint, silver, or anything that would mean something to me, to try and win it over. It doesn't care though, it simply wants to hurt me still.

Now, with that in mine, it's obvious that I should've left it alone, but I'd done NOTHING to deserve that treatment so I was mad. Very mad (still am).
But in one moment of sanity I wonder if he just had a bad day and that's what it's all about, so I send a text: "look, I had a bad day today too. If that's what the issue is we can swap fuckups, but you have to change from an ogre back into that charming guy I once knew, haha."
My lame attempt at being nice/funny, and trying to smooth things over even though at this point I'm simply beating a dead horse. This is the mouse's last nice thing it owns, it's pride, and it's giving it up.

To no avail. Because when my attempt at nicety fails to get any sort of response, not even a "my day was fine, I simply don't like you." Then it was on. Why did he even bother contacting me if he was just going to be a jerk? He had no reason to talk to me like that, or treat me like that! We break up and he turns into a giant shit storm while I try to be nice and just take the heat? No. I'm done with that.

So I decided to do the second most devious thing I'd done all night: repeatedly call his cell phone until he picked up. I really didn't know what to say (which became obvious once he did pick up) I just wanted to piss him off.
First time he answered I said what popped into my head: Oh, look who knows how to answer the fucking phone. At that point he hung up on me, apparently he's the only one allowed to be a dickface.
Now I'm in blind anger and I don't know how to retaliate, so I continue to call, again, just to piss him off. This time he answers with a cheery message:
"Don't you ever fucking do that to my phone again, that is bullshit. You should be lucky I even picked up this phone. If you ever do that again, you're going to hope that you loose this fucking number. I was taking a fucking shower and couldn't answer the first time, [insert lame excuses here.]"



Now, I might be in the wrong here.
You may read this and think "wow, that girl just couldn't take a hint" but it's not like it was one-sided (at first). I was doing just fine without him, and then HE contacted ME. I didn't even HAVE his phone number!
But if you give it to me, well it's like bating a fish, I'm going to at least nibble and see what's up. I'm a good, nice person, and there really isn't an ex that I'm not friends with. Until now.
I mean, he practically has my virginity, I'm going to remember his stupid face and name forever and he can't even spare ten minutes to treat me with any hint of the respect he used to.
The most ironic thing is that he literally just fucked himself out of having a fuck-buddy, because that's all I wanted. I have to truly thank him, though, for making sure that that will NEVER cross my mind again. Being done with him is a relief!

I realize now that the high road has gotten me nowhere but yelled at and belittled. So now I'm not playing fair, I'm going to fuck with him until I get bored, because he of all people in this world, deserves it.
It's hard to think of crazy-ex-girlfriend gimmicks that are legal and don't include vandalism or breaking in, but I've managed.
Thanks to him being so upset at the repeat phone call situation, his name and number are on my facebook, with the instructions to "call until he blocks you."
And I'm making posters. We live in a small town, he's going to shit when he sees his face on paper with the words: Womanizer asshole, be aware! all over town.
Treat me like I'm nothing? I'll do everything in my power to prove I'm not:)


moral of the story: Just because you act like a big dick, doesn't mean you have one.

Walk of Shame

That awkward moment when you have to tell your gynocologist what your vagina has been up to for the past few months...

The Only Way?

Is it bad that at 18 I've already gotten to the point where I believe that there is just no hope for a relationship to work, or is it a good thing? Is it possible that with this mindset I'll actually save myself some heartache, or will I just become a cranky love-starved cynic?
Why does it seem that the key to being happy just has to involve other people. Friends, family, or lovers, it really doesn't matter. That's why it is so disappointing when friends and family aren't enough, and then when I find someone else I want to be with, all I am is miserable about it.
I understand that if happiness was easy to obtain it wouldn't be as desirable, but damn.

And I am not unhappy. I feel the need to stress that. I'm not some sad little girl who sits alone all day, every day. I like who I am (whoever that is..lol). I just don't have anything in my life to worry about right now, and it's possible that's why I put all this focus on needing a "relationship" of some sort.
So with that in mind I think semi-subconsciously fill my plate with things to do: school, college scholarships, work, drama club, pageant, national honor society, friends, family. I'm even thinking about trying to get a second job and I'm going to sign up at the local wellness center so I can start working out after school. You would think that I would be so busy that I wouldn't have a spare second to consider bringing one more thing into my life.
But I see these movies and T.V. shows, and I read these books and these couples are happy. They're in love. And I can't relate, I can't even really be happy for them. All I can think is fuck you.
And that's really sad.


Wow, I started this post with the intention of being quirky and funny about how much I think I need someone but I really don't, and it's turned into a bit of a mess. I don't mean to be so confusing about what I want, but if you think reading this is confusing, imagine what's going on in my head. That's why I just resign myself to not wanting any of it. There is nothing I desire more than to be able to completely wash my hands of love. I want things to be simple, and this seems to be the only way. I can't expect some equally messed-up guy to fix me when I can't even fix myself. I've found out the hard way that just doesn't work, it only makes everything worse.



Confession for the day? I'm sad, and I can't figure out how to fix it. I'm open to suggestions.

Complaints and Grievances/Happy, Hopeful, Happy

Last year I wrote about how anti-resolutions I am, and I decided that the only thing I wanted for 2011 was just to love myself and all of the fucked up/great decisions I would make.
And make them I did.
It wasn't a tough year, or a bad one. It was just really, really, fast. I feel like a lot of things happened, and nothing happened at the same time. I learned a lot in 2011, and sometimes I consider what I would do if I had the opportunity to not sorta-kinda-have-maybe-sex with a douche or stop being so teenage-loudmouth-bitchy to my mom, but then I remember that I wouldn't change a thing. It doesn't mean I won't repeat the same mistakes this year (ohlordIhopenot), but now they'll have a "Oh, wait! I've been here once before, and there is, I REPEAT, there IS light at the end of the tunnel!" feel to them.

This year I'll be going to college at WVU and no doubt be learning things inside and outside of the classroom. I'll make a whole new group of friends, and maybe loose some of the few I have now. Maybe I can avoid falling hopelessly in love for another year, but nontheless manage to get fucked over by someone tall, dark, and handsome.
I'll be spending my very last days in high school and end up quitting my very first job (I won't be able to keep it once I move to college). It'll no doubt be a very wild and emotional ride that I can't wait for. Well, actually it can take its time. I'm nervous.

To end this lovely post I'd like to list just a few of my accomplishments/useful things I've learned this year:
-Got accepted into three colleges
-Got my license and a car (I named her Lucy, she's a 1994 Chrysler Concorde and I love her).
-Got my first job! (Waitress).
-Found a really sweet guy.
-Found out really sweet guys can still be assholes when they're told "no."
-Kissed a long time friend, realized everyone was right in keeping us apart.
-Started hard-core saving for a trip to Europe.
-Made the grown-up decision of not going to my Dream College because I would be in debt until I was 65.
-Tried weed for the very first time.
-Learned not to nascar-pass schoolbuses in the pouring rain.
-Discovered the glory of Tumblr.
-Made the conscious decision to not have any males in my life at the moment (well, besides my daddy-o).
-Turned 18 and still haven't bought a lottery ticket or gone to a club. (*note added 3/12/12, I went to the strip club with a few friends, it wasn't all that. Interesting experience however..)
-Accepted life on life's terms. Things aren't always fair, but it doesn't matter, the world will always soldier on; I should follow it's example and maybe set one of my own.