Is Blogging Still A "Thing?"

I suppose I should start with the fact that I completely forgot about this blog until today. I moved across the country to Colorado, and I work in a facility that helps teens fighting addiction and mental health. Ya'll don't even know half of it, but I have a considerable amount of experience with both. However, when I was packing my car with everything I considered to be of value, my diaries and journals didn't make it - who would have guessed? By a random strike of lightening from the universe, I remembered this blog. I grazed over my past posts looking for something I could share to connect with the kids I work with.

Holy fuck was I in for a treat.

I was so witty! I was funny and poetic and let's be honest here, a sad little girl most of the time.  Always looking for validation in the men I wanted to date/be with.

I'm 25 now, and more than just my location has changed. The relationship I have with myself is much more open and honest. I'm still a fuck up, don't get me wrong, but I own it now. I soak myself in my mistakes and lay them out for everyone to see so that I remember not to repeat them. I sun bathe in my addictions and I'll be honest - men are still a damn mystery. I have much more experience now, some I wish I didn't have, but I still hang around too long and take responsibility for mistakes I didn't make. 

The difference is that know I know I'm hot as fuck, I don't need a man - I just want one, and I am a completely self-sufficient woman who doesn't need anything more than companionship. And need is stretching it.

There's a lot to catch up on, if I even decide I want to (I do), and now isn't exactly the time, but c'est la vie bitches. I'm back. It's October, spooky season, and my life is still full of wild dumb mistakes. Like two weeks ago when I got drunk and simultaneously bought a Machine Gun Kelly ticket and literally invited a stranger to come visit me in CO. I woke up short $80 and with a Facebook message of pictures of this guy's plane ticket and a hotel reservation for a week in November. The panic attack I had in Safeway later that day was definitely related.

Finals Week: Spoiler Alert, I Got An "F" in Love

My boyfriend recently broke up with me (and by recently I mean four days ago) and I'm being surprisingly calm about it.  Is it the calm before the storm?  Is it my new "zen" personality?  Do I just give zero fucks?
I can never figure out what is going on in my mind until I write it out, so why not do that shit publicly so any poor bastard can stumble upon it?  YES!

We have been having our differences, as any couple does, and I'll spare you all of the boring details.  It boils down to lack of communication (doesn't it always) and us being in a long distance relationship.  However, things took a real turn when he saw the new apartments that I'm going to be living in next year.  It's a gorgeous complex with a pool, hot tub, grills, game room, walk in closets; it's really the works.  I'm in love with it.  His attitude towards the impending school years changed as he saw that I want to live a rich life.  And I won't deny that shit, I want to make money and look like it too.  I've seen my parents struggle paycheck to paycheck and that isn't the life I want for myself or my future family.

So basically it's been three weeks since we saw the apartment and everything has been off.  I've been with the guy for 10, almost 11 months.  I know when shit is going down.  And this Friday, he broke up with me.
Let me first explain that it is currently finals week which means that I will be home in seven god damn days. He couldn't hold in this information for a week until my exams were over and we could talk face to face.
And what was this grand break up?  Well, it was him saying that he "doesn't love me the same."  His inspired speech contained, "I'm 25, I need to settle down" and "I don't want to struggle for the next two years.  I just don't see us going anywhere."  The really cherry was, "I still want to be friends.  You're the only girl I've ever wanted to stay friends with.  You're my longest relationship."

And we didn't finish this lovely conversation because I had to go to a meeting, but I haven't heard from him since.
I get mad every time I think about it, and I don't want to be that super clingy blind girl, but I think it's all a bold faced lie.  I think he's scared that he'll lose me and he wants to end it all before it gets any deeper.  Or maybe he really doesn't love me any more.  I really just can't focus or think of anything (like my motherfucking finals) when we haven't ended our conversation.  When I just let my jaw drop as I thought of all the things we've been though.
And the settle down thing is a joke, I won't bother to explain why, just trust me.


Okay, well that was just me explaining....that thing I said I wouldn't do in the beginning.  Oh well.  I can't figure any of this out, but I'll be damned if  I shed any tears for a silly confused boy who doesn't appreciate the driven, funny, smart, and generous chick in front of him.

Night, ya'll

Permanent Ink

I asked him to, "hold my hand better damn it!"

"You are missing from me."

The tattoo fever is real.  My best friend and I got our tattoos a few months ago in memory of Rachel, and it hurt like a bitch but they look great.  I'm already ready to get some more, but I'm trying to pace myself.  Also it's a lotta dollas $$$

xoxo

Growing Pains

Is the future really that important?  By expecting positive and exciting things we set ourselves up for potential failure, so is it worth it?  Why plan, cry, or worry about things we can't control?
I stress myself sick about my future.  I'll be halfway done with college soon and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.  I still love laying in bed all day and I can't help but turn up my nose at the idea of a 9 to 5 full time job.
Next year I'll be paying for an apartment, I'll have to get yet another job (I did apply for one though the school this time too), and I need a car to get around in.  My boyfriend is panic-stricken at the idea of me moving on, he thinks we won't last another year of long distance, despite the fact we see each other almost every weekend.

Growing up is hard.
Remember when we were kids and 18 seemed so far away.  When I was in elementary I just wanted boobs and to be able to see myself in the bathroom sink mirror.  The older I get the faster time seems to move and there is no slowing it down.  And I have high expectations for my life, where I want to travel and live.  I have a dream image of what my house will look like, how I'll raise my kid, all of it.
And is my current boyfriend my last?  How will I know when cut him lose, or when to attach myself for good?

When I get my crystal ball and my magic abilites (due in the mail any day now) I'll be back with answers.  Until then I'll just hang out here and fret. Awesome.

What The What

So I think my lack of blog posts is a sign of healing and doing well.  It means that I'm getting out of my room and far enough away from my laptop to go out and do things.  It's much better than lying in my bed and feeling blue all the time.  Although I do still have those days...
^that's my way of apologizing/not apologizing for no posts in a while, in case you couldn't tell.

In other news, I have yet another new roommate.  I really like this one though.  She's bright and happy and she's actually very similar to myself.  Her birthday is even the day right after mine.  She has heart to hearts with me and she's very down to earth.
I'm also quitting my job at Subway!  Talk about depressing, I really hated that job.  I still have two weeks, but it's a relief to know the time is almost up.  I enjoy working for my money, I honestly do, but for shit pay and a lot of work, it wasn't worth it.  I have to give it up to anyone trying to get by on minimum wage, because that shit is near impossible.

Also, I have to do a group project for one of my classes and I had a girl from that group take me home.  Best. Idea. Ever.  She was hilarious and weird, two of my favorite combinations.  She also moved cones out of the way to drive though a "closed" street and I about made my new best friend then and there, haha.  I love anyone who is brave enough to bend rules like that for themselves.  People who walk the strait and narrow all the time drive me crazy (and not in a fun way).  Just a little reminder that you can find fun and new people even when you least expect it.  No one has high hopes when group work is called upon, but positives can lurk around any corner.

xoxo,
Gossip Girl
(I've been on a Gossip Girl bender, lmao)

The Survivor

I have a date with time, she's plucking my strings
and making me sing.
Hateful bitch.
I'm not in her league yet she fucks with me,
next to me
She steals the other sock
But only long enough for me to throw
the survivor out.

And she's a gold-digger, one hand
in my back pocket leaving nicotine
prints.
Even though I'm not a smoker,
She takes me to the bar
And makes me write her a song.
Why is time woman?

Because we create life
In the womb we also create her
tick tick tick
Life isn't a date,
Cigarettes,
Love,
Hate,
Finding your father,
Or Jesus.

It's dirty back pockets
Being able to breathe in death,
And survive
To pluck the strings
To lose the sock
tick tock.

Hair Chalk and Real Talk

My dad thought it would be brilliant to buy me hair chalk...
blue looks pretty smashing on him I think:)

Fucking love birds we are.

Making faces like it's our job.

My mom and dad pretending we actually took this picture on Christmas.

And my boyfriend let me hair-chalk him a green mohawk because he's the best.  He's also very photogenic.  It's annoying.

The "D" Word

Almost two weeks ago I went to visit the doctor.  I hadn't been in a while and I needed to set up with a steady doctor who wasn't a pediatrician, so I thought I'd go ahead with it while I was on Christmas break.  Physically I'm totally fine, I hardly ever get sick, and I don't think I have any life threatening illnesses.
However, I'm slightly OCD and anxious.  I've had a few panic attacks, heart palpitations and add that into my new mood swings, and constant crying...I knew something was up.  I just hate admitting things like that.  I always want to be in complete control of myself, I don't want any help, much less any medication.
They had me fill out a form about my "feelings."  Like, "I feel this often," or, "I never feel this" and while looking at it I busted into tears - a complete fit really.  It was totally fucking embarrassing.
So you're looking at a newly diagnosed depressed young woman.  It's awesome.  However, I've been on medicine and I feel so much better.  I've only cried twice!  And once was because of a movie! haha.  We'll see how things go when school starts back up and I pile more things onto my plate.  With 18 credit hours, a part time job, and a boyfriend I just hope I can juggle as well as become a magician.  Turning chainsaws into doves can't be that hard, right?  Maybe I'll up my dose...
(kidding, haha)



Besides that I have SO MUCH to catch up on.  I signed for an apartment recently, my family gave my boyfriend 600 dollars, my new years resolutions, my (very decent if I must say) grades, and my recent Christmas adventures in North Carolina.  I'll probably have new years stuff too.  Man, I'm behind.
I'll at least post a few pictures on here to I don't feel so lame, haha.

Stoner Nation

I'm so tired of the sexy spin that my generation has put on smoking pot.  Tumblr, google, pinterest, anywhere on the internet you can find a picture of some ripped guy and a half naked girl taking a bong rip and it's completely unrealistic.  Smoke tricks are more important than the last book you read, and just about every song or Hollywood star has something to say about it.
The reality is that if you're a smoker, you can't piss clean.  You can't get a job, you can't get a gym membership to look that hot, so you definitely can't get a hot girl.  I know a fuck ton of stoners, and none of them are that stereotype.  My boyfriend, my parents, and at least half of my best friends all smoke pot.  I don't personally have a taste for it (it makes me "weird") but I'm around it often, and yeah I'll take a hit or two every once in a while.
The difference between me and my friends who smoke, is that I feel bad for not smoking.  It's an oddity.  Society has made it so that pot is so fucking cool, that I'm strange for being disinterested.  To me, the war against pot has about 20 years, tops, left in it.  When my generation and the generation after us gets a hold of it, smoking won't even be a question.
But let me make this clear: smoking isn't sexy.  Getting baked isn't a turn on, and having the best bud won't get you in my pants.  If anything, I hear girls who are annoyed at the amount their boyfriend smokes (myself included).  If you're too stoned to drive to the movies at the actual speed limit, if you're spending too much on pot to at least split the bill, then you're just an effect of the stoner nation.  Congrats.

How The Media Failed Women in 2013

In multiple classes and even for a few papers, I have written about the way women are represented in the media.  I see it as one of the biggest obstacles and social problems of our time.  As a woman, I'm offended, I'm angry, and I'm fighting to break free of the norms that have been embedded in me by society.  This group, Miss Representation, is basically doing the most amazing thing ever by putting it in your face.  You see an ad here or there, you don't think much of it.  But when they're compiled (and let me tell you, they didn't even cover all of it) you can't turn away.  Women need to know that they've been trained to see themselves as objects, that we're trained to think we aren't capable of leading, that we need to be pretty to be smart, and that it's normal and "healthy" to be so skinny.

Watch, learn, and share.