Finals Week: Spoiler Alert, I Got An "F" in Love

My boyfriend recently broke up with me (and by recently I mean four days ago) and I'm being surprisingly calm about it.  Is it the calm before the storm?  Is it my new "zen" personality?  Do I just give zero fucks?
I can never figure out what is going on in my mind until I write it out, so why not do that shit publicly so any poor bastard can stumble upon it?  YES!

We have been having our differences, as any couple does, and I'll spare you all of the boring details.  It boils down to lack of communication (doesn't it always) and us being in a long distance relationship.  However, things took a real turn when he saw the new apartments that I'm going to be living in next year.  It's a gorgeous complex with a pool, hot tub, grills, game room, walk in closets; it's really the works.  I'm in love with it.  His attitude towards the impending school years changed as he saw that I want to live a rich life.  And I won't deny that shit, I want to make money and look like it too.  I've seen my parents struggle paycheck to paycheck and that isn't the life I want for myself or my future family.

So basically it's been three weeks since we saw the apartment and everything has been off.  I've been with the guy for 10, almost 11 months.  I know when shit is going down.  And this Friday, he broke up with me.
Let me first explain that it is currently finals week which means that I will be home in seven god damn days. He couldn't hold in this information for a week until my exams were over and we could talk face to face.
And what was this grand break up?  Well, it was him saying that he "doesn't love me the same."  His inspired speech contained, "I'm 25, I need to settle down" and "I don't want to struggle for the next two years.  I just don't see us going anywhere."  The really cherry was, "I still want to be friends.  You're the only girl I've ever wanted to stay friends with.  You're my longest relationship."

And we didn't finish this lovely conversation because I had to go to a meeting, but I haven't heard from him since.
I get mad every time I think about it, and I don't want to be that super clingy blind girl, but I think it's all a bold faced lie.  I think he's scared that he'll lose me and he wants to end it all before it gets any deeper.  Or maybe he really doesn't love me any more.  I really just can't focus or think of anything (like my motherfucking finals) when we haven't ended our conversation.  When I just let my jaw drop as I thought of all the things we've been though.
And the settle down thing is a joke, I won't bother to explain why, just trust me.


Okay, well that was just me explaining....that thing I said I wouldn't do in the beginning.  Oh well.  I can't figure any of this out, but I'll be damned if  I shed any tears for a silly confused boy who doesn't appreciate the driven, funny, smart, and generous chick in front of him.

Night, ya'll

Permanent Ink

I asked him to, "hold my hand better damn it!"

"You are missing from me."

The tattoo fever is real.  My best friend and I got our tattoos a few months ago in memory of Rachel, and it hurt like a bitch but they look great.  I'm already ready to get some more, but I'm trying to pace myself.  Also it's a lotta dollas $$$

xoxo

Growing Pains

Is the future really that important?  By expecting positive and exciting things we set ourselves up for potential failure, so is it worth it?  Why plan, cry, or worry about things we can't control?
I stress myself sick about my future.  I'll be halfway done with college soon and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.  I still love laying in bed all day and I can't help but turn up my nose at the idea of a 9 to 5 full time job.
Next year I'll be paying for an apartment, I'll have to get yet another job (I did apply for one though the school this time too), and I need a car to get around in.  My boyfriend is panic-stricken at the idea of me moving on, he thinks we won't last another year of long distance, despite the fact we see each other almost every weekend.

Growing up is hard.
Remember when we were kids and 18 seemed so far away.  When I was in elementary I just wanted boobs and to be able to see myself in the bathroom sink mirror.  The older I get the faster time seems to move and there is no slowing it down.  And I have high expectations for my life, where I want to travel and live.  I have a dream image of what my house will look like, how I'll raise my kid, all of it.
And is my current boyfriend my last?  How will I know when cut him lose, or when to attach myself for good?

When I get my crystal ball and my magic abilites (due in the mail any day now) I'll be back with answers.  Until then I'll just hang out here and fret. Awesome.

What The What

So I think my lack of blog posts is a sign of healing and doing well.  It means that I'm getting out of my room and far enough away from my laptop to go out and do things.  It's much better than lying in my bed and feeling blue all the time.  Although I do still have those days...
^that's my way of apologizing/not apologizing for no posts in a while, in case you couldn't tell.

In other news, I have yet another new roommate.  I really like this one though.  She's bright and happy and she's actually very similar to myself.  Her birthday is even the day right after mine.  She has heart to hearts with me and she's very down to earth.
I'm also quitting my job at Subway!  Talk about depressing, I really hated that job.  I still have two weeks, but it's a relief to know the time is almost up.  I enjoy working for my money, I honestly do, but for shit pay and a lot of work, it wasn't worth it.  I have to give it up to anyone trying to get by on minimum wage, because that shit is near impossible.

Also, I have to do a group project for one of my classes and I had a girl from that group take me home.  Best. Idea. Ever.  She was hilarious and weird, two of my favorite combinations.  She also moved cones out of the way to drive though a "closed" street and I about made my new best friend then and there, haha.  I love anyone who is brave enough to bend rules like that for themselves.  People who walk the strait and narrow all the time drive me crazy (and not in a fun way).  Just a little reminder that you can find fun and new people even when you least expect it.  No one has high hopes when group work is called upon, but positives can lurk around any corner.

xoxo,
Gossip Girl
(I've been on a Gossip Girl bender, lmao)

The Survivor

I have a date with time, she's plucking my strings
and making me sing.
Hateful bitch.
I'm not in her league yet she fucks with me,
next to me
She steals the other sock
But only long enough for me to throw
the survivor out.

And she's a gold-digger, one hand
in my back pocket leaving nicotine
prints.
Even though I'm not a smoker,
She takes me to the bar
And makes me write her a song.
Why is time woman?

Because we create life
In the womb we also create her
tick tick tick
Life isn't a date,
Cigarettes,
Love,
Hate,
Finding your father,
Or Jesus.

It's dirty back pockets
Being able to breathe in death,
And survive
To pluck the strings
To lose the sock
tick tock.