Oh, Dear God

I read the last three things I'd posted and felt the need to punch myself in the face.  The "no money no worries" was cute, a little all over the place, but funny, "girl of the summer" was my drinking game face, and "brokenhearted bitch" was just more like wining bitch.
Why does the prospect of being in a relationship or having any sort of romance turn me into a complete asshat?  It's like I constantly need to make a fool out of myself or something!  I don't know why I can't be like one of those cool Angelina Jolie characters who never gives a fuck and doesn't feel the need to over share any emotions.  I suppose that has something to do with my genetics or the childhood trauma of growing up, but I don't know how anyone else can bear to listen to me when I can't even listen to myself.
The way I see it I have two options.
I can make flow charts and pro's and con's and write until I have carpal tunnel in my wrist to get my thoughts together and talk to this guy about where we stand and emotions and basically just a (hopefully) less wordy version of my last post.
Or I can tell him to move it or loose it and (most likely) cut my losses, get my shit together and find someone new in college.

Fucking A, I'll probably choose the first one.
This is why I never have a boyfriend.  A guy seems me, he likes me, then he gets to know me and runs for the hills.  I'm a fucking desperate housewife in the making.

Brokenhearted Bitches

I want you to want me.  Over and over I keep hearing, "if he's not making any effort, he's not worth it."  Somehow in my head that translates to, "if he's not making any effort, you're not worth it."  I'm so tired of guessing and playing the dating game, that's why I wanted to hang up my fuck-me heels and start buying cats months ago.  One friend told me I'm making myself too available.  BUT I AM TOO AVAILABLE!  Why do I have to pretend to be something I'm not?
If you like me, you'll spend time with me.  You'll make the effort to talk to me and be with me while I'm in college.  If me leaving doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out!  But how can you decide the movie is going to suck when you haven't even seen the trailer?  You told me you didn't think I'd like you, you didn't think we'd have anything to talk about, and now you don't think the college commute is going to work.  Give me the the chance to prove you wrong, yet again.
You said you'd try.
But just last night I got asked out,  I got asked if I'm single.  I don't even know how to respond!  When other guys start showering me with the compliments I never get from you, it hurts.  I know they're just trying to get in my pants, it's obvious.  At least I know what the fuck they're up to.  You're hiding in the bushes giving me no answers, just flying by the seat of your pants, "you'll see me when you see me."
Damn it, if I'm going to try, then I'm going to go all out!  I'm not going to hold back, I'm going to give you my all and I expect the same.  Why pretend to try, waste my time, and waste me going out on dates with any new guys I might meet?  Is that some male form of pleasure?  Personally, I prefer shopping, but if you're into brokenhearted bitches I guess I get that.
I'm just tired of laying in bed, asking myself questions that only you can answer.  I want to have that easy conversation with you again, I want to take all this pressure off, but I can't do it alone.  I've learned from experience that liking someone and dating someone is never easy (even though I think it should be), and because of that I haven't given up on you yet.  So please don't give up on me.

 

Girl of The Summer

Will we talk about if we're exclusive or not?  Will we talk about if we're going to keep seeing each other when I go to college?  In fact, will we talk at all when we're together or will we just keep having sex and making small talk and pretending to watch movies, and then having sex?
I like you,
but I could like you more.
I guess for right now I'll just keep drinking and spilling my secrets onto the internet in a grammatical fashion.  Score one for liquor and poor judgement.

Everyone tells me to trust my gut, but then I doubt my trust and trust my doubt, then I'm lost.  I just want to take things as they are, but then what are they?  I don't want to over-think!  I just want to be.
I need to be brave, to ask, to talk.  Then I wonder, shouldn't talk come easy?  But I don't see you as my forever, so I shouldn't worry...right?  If you're worth it you'll stay.  You'll be all the right reasons.  And if you're not, then you'll go.  They all do eventually.
But, God, I don't want to look at you later and cry.  Cry for knowing that you were a bad idea.  I don't want that anymore, I hope I've learned.
How do you learn but from experience?  In my short time I've experienced a lot of romantic mishaps.  A lot of royal fuck ups and fucking don'ts.  I've never wanted to be that girl, the easy one.  I prey you don't see me that way.
But how do you see me?  I'm so scared to ask.  I don't want to be just another girl of the summer.  Please think I'm worth it.  I think of all the things I want to say to you when I'm alone, but when we're together, I'm quiet.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I don't want to waste time thinking about you, writing about you, not making dates because of you, if you aren't interested.  If I'm an easy fuck.
How do you stop fucking and start making love?  You were my first, I don't know the difference.  Or is that something that comes natural?  Usually the things that your'e just supposed to know, I don't.  That's part of why I'm unique, why I'm funny, and interesting.  I hope you see that in me.  It's not that hard.  I'm pretty, I promise.  I wish I didn't doubt myself.
It makes me angry, and I want to take it out on you, but you're great.  You don't deserve all my hurt and anger.  You weren't the one who cut me up before.  You didn't force me into blow jobs and self inflicted hate.  I want to blame you, but I know better.
I know better.

I know better.
Do you?