Growing Pains

Is the future really that important?  By expecting positive and exciting things we set ourselves up for potential failure, so is it worth it?  Why plan, cry, or worry about things we can't control?
I stress myself sick about my future.  I'll be halfway done with college soon and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.  I still love laying in bed all day and I can't help but turn up my nose at the idea of a 9 to 5 full time job.
Next year I'll be paying for an apartment, I'll have to get yet another job (I did apply for one though the school this time too), and I need a car to get around in.  My boyfriend is panic-stricken at the idea of me moving on, he thinks we won't last another year of long distance, despite the fact we see each other almost every weekend.

Growing up is hard.
Remember when we were kids and 18 seemed so far away.  When I was in elementary I just wanted boobs and to be able to see myself in the bathroom sink mirror.  The older I get the faster time seems to move and there is no slowing it down.  And I have high expectations for my life, where I want to travel and live.  I have a dream image of what my house will look like, how I'll raise my kid, all of it.
And is my current boyfriend my last?  How will I know when cut him lose, or when to attach myself for good?

When I get my crystal ball and my magic abilites (due in the mail any day now) I'll be back with answers.  Until then I'll just hang out here and fret. Awesome.

What The What

So I think my lack of blog posts is a sign of healing and doing well.  It means that I'm getting out of my room and far enough away from my laptop to go out and do things.  It's much better than lying in my bed and feeling blue all the time.  Although I do still have those days...
^that's my way of apologizing/not apologizing for no posts in a while, in case you couldn't tell.

In other news, I have yet another new roommate.  I really like this one though.  She's bright and happy and she's actually very similar to myself.  Her birthday is even the day right after mine.  She has heart to hearts with me and she's very down to earth.
I'm also quitting my job at Subway!  Talk about depressing, I really hated that job.  I still have two weeks, but it's a relief to know the time is almost up.  I enjoy working for my money, I honestly do, but for shit pay and a lot of work, it wasn't worth it.  I have to give it up to anyone trying to get by on minimum wage, because that shit is near impossible.

Also, I have to do a group project for one of my classes and I had a girl from that group take me home.  Best. Idea. Ever.  She was hilarious and weird, two of my favorite combinations.  She also moved cones out of the way to drive though a "closed" street and I about made my new best friend then and there, haha.  I love anyone who is brave enough to bend rules like that for themselves.  People who walk the strait and narrow all the time drive me crazy (and not in a fun way).  Just a little reminder that you can find fun and new people even when you least expect it.  No one has high hopes when group work is called upon, but positives can lurk around any corner.

xoxo,
Gossip Girl
(I've been on a Gossip Girl bender, lmao)

Two Months Shy of Forever

I'm 20, I don't think I did a birthday post this year, but it's important that you know that I'm sitting here on the very cusp of my 20's, eager to see what lays before me.  I also have a boyfriend and I've posted a good bit of pictures on here of us in case you need a face to match to the stories.  We've been dating a little over 5 months (not very long, yet forever at the same time) and his 25th birthday is in January.
Excuse me while I panic, but he sees me as his forever.  Like, those words pretty much came out of his mouth.  Worse, "marriage" came out of his mouth.
I can't even explain how panicked that makes me feel, and even just a little caged in.  Yet it's totally endearing at the same time.  I'm not upset, I'm just marveling at the fact that someone thinks they can put up with my shit 24/7.
Also, I'm ready to live on my own, pay rent, and be an adult...but I'm not ready to be that kind of adult.  In the mean time, I'll enjoy my boyfriend and try not to think about how absolutely bat shit crazy he must be.

xoxo

The Way of Subs

So I finally got a job!  After about 3 or 4 months of talking about it, I'm once again a part of the work force.  Thank you Subway!
Minimum wage, but still getting paid.  And just in time to save up for Christmas and New Orleans<3 p="">

A Sigh of Relief

Last night was the first really good night that I've had since I've come back to school this year.  I've gone out, I've drank a little, but it wasn't...right. Cliche', I know, but I don't know how else to describe it.  With losing a friend and having to re-assimilate, I just felt like I was walking around with a big hole in my chest.
It had a lot to do with the fight I got into with our "group" last year.  It was stupid, I can't even explain what it was about, but it got me "permanently uninvited."  So to add insult to injury, the whole group of people I spent time with last year was also missing from my life.
Well last night, Brittany and I went to their house just to say hi because we were partying just a few houses up the street.  It was the best thing we could have done.  We were welcomed back with open arms, smiles, and a lot of forgiveness.  The guy who kicked me out and I got a chance to talk alone.  We talked about the fight, Rachel, and regrets.  It was so amazing, because I know it's the place and the people I should've been hanging out with all along, but I was too stubborn to try without a personal invite.  And I know Rachel would be so happy to see us all talking again.
I know that some of the looks I got last night were pity, but they were with good intentions, so it's okay.  I'm just happy that I'm no longer excluded from people who's company I enjoyed so much before.  I'm actually crying as I write this, but I smile every time I look at the picture we got last night.  It really shows how happy we were to see each other again.  Can't fake smiles like those, haha.

Foreign Like A God

The words are alien,
Salty in my mouth
And when I roll my tongue back,
The sea and fish pour out.

The waves crest,
A powerful unrest,
It started when the sandman rang,
Gently thieving youth with his breath

Ashes to ashes,
We all burn down
The more I yearn for that urn
Longer in the ocean I drown

A force on it's axis
A destroyer on it's side
When gravity pulls me back again
I become its shotgun bride

I ask where are you now
Do you fill my lungs as I breathe?
Or have you forsaken this empty realm,
For a change of scenery?

The past is arrogant
The future, naked
What's to be found
When present's an imitation?

Forgetting you
And finding me
Is foreign like a God,
Who would push me into salty sea
For I have not forgot.


------------------

About my friend, Rae, who passed away about two and a half months ago.  It's gotten easier, but I still think about it every day.

Being Shiny, The World's Most Troubled Trophy Girlfiend

September has been a busy month.  I don't know what exactly I've been busy with, but it's been taking up all of my time.
It's probably been busy because of the boyyyyyyfriendddddd.  I'm pretty much just amazed that we're still together.  That he still likes me and doesn't think I'm a total wacko is magic-carpet-ride level amazing.  Having him as a boyfriend has been kind of like living in a movie.  Of course he has his flaws, but 90% of the time he literally treats me like a long-lost princess, and I couldn't be more grateful.
But I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Like, he's going to realize that I'm too demanding and totally not worth it, at any second.  When will I stop being the shiny new trophy?

Not only that, but his short, itty-bitty list of flaws is slowly diminishing as he decides to make life changes for me.  BE AWARE:  I did not ask for any of these changes, they are his own personal goals that I just happen to support.  Just wanted to clear that up before I got some major judgement from the peanut gallery.
Baby list of flaws:
A smoker,
Stoner (like the wake and bake, eat and bake, work and bake, drive and bake, bake and bake kind),
Living with a friend's family,
Unreliable car,
Low-level job (by this I mean that he can't really get much higher in the management than he already is, and it's not his dream job.  Not that he knows what his dream job is, haha),
Low self esteem

He's cut back on smoking (at least when I'm around, which is good enough for me since he's Mr. Two-Packs-A-Day), he's quitting pot for a while, and he's saving up for a car and his own place (probably with all that pot money he now has leftover).  He's also considering technical school.
I could list my flaws for years and years and years.  Basically infinity plus one.  And this guy still thinks I'm too hot to roam around college because I'll get hit on.  More like hit by...a giant truck.

To be honest, when we first got together, I was mostly just infatuated with how much he liked me.  It was a rush to be admired so much, and then to be treated so well, as if it were a natural everyday thing.  But now I"m in love with how willing he is to change and be there for me.  Like he's not just going to be the pillars on my porch, he's also going to be the walls in my house.  And possibly the roof.
How do I repay that?  How do I accept that?
What would I do if that went away?

Shit, even when things in life work out the good has consequences.  What's with that?

Irony and I

My last post was about how I apply the five stages of grief to my love life, it was very self involved - like most of the things I talk about.

Last Sunday, the 21st, my roommate/best friend passed away in a car accident.  I went to her funeral yesterday, spoke, and made her memory boards.

I'm okay now, but I don't quite know what to say about it.  It's something that has affected all of my friends, and that will continue to affect us.  I wish I'd done and said things differently, I re-thought some of my actions.  I now have to deal with actual grief.
Sometimes it hasn't hit me, and then something small, like getting ready for my friends birthday party, will make me think of her.  She'll never get ready for a party with me again, something we did about 100 times last school year.

I'm not in the mood to be sappy and drawn out, in fact this has left me very short tempered and dissatisfied about regular things in my life.  I just felt like I owe her, and myself, some perspective on life.  There are real things to grieve over.

Rachel and I, during a night out.

The Adjustment Period

Holy shit, I leave for a month and it feels like a year.  I didn't post anything because I've been busy adjusting myself from dorm life to home life - and what an adjustment it's been.
A curfew again, my mom is sticking her nose in my business, and I've gone from a roommate to a sister.  Let's just say I'm still getting used to it all.
When I was at school I missed the warmth and love in homemade cooking.  Now that I'm home, I find I miss the steadiness of an actual meal at meal time.  Oh well, you can't have everything.

I also have a boyfriend now, and just wait until I actually have the patience to sit down and write about this whole shenanigan.  It's quite the whirlwind romance, and if you actually read my blog then you know that I have NO BUSINESS being anyone's girlfriend.  It's a miracle I haven't killed him, or myself, with awkwardness and bad puns yet.  It's even more of a miracle that he likes me enough to want to date me and not just fuck.  Because, you know, I have such low expectations and all.
Anyways,
hold on to your keyboards children, summer's just begun.

Stupid Things I Do When I'm Drunk

I have a love-hate relationship with drunk me.  She's fun, she's free, she doesn't give a shit.  It's all the parts of me that I suppress during the day.  But I guess I keep those parts too cooped up because when I let loose I really let loose.  So in order to purge myself as well to serve as a reminder, here's a list of stupid things I did last night.
1. Yelled a lot during pong.  I hate those girls that can't shut up, but I was one of them last night.
2. Didn't make a single pong cup.  Although sometimes I do that when I'm sober too, haha.
3. Smoked a cigar.
4. Talked about my sex life.
5. Repeated myself.
6. Dropped my laptop.
7. Grabbed a guy's dick (He was in his boxers and he's so tall it was almost eye level - this is the second time drunk me has grabbed a dick. Sober me does not take part in this, ever.)
8. Tried very hard to run a naked lap after I got skunked in pong.  I wouldn't do it without my partner, but the level at which I was trying to convince him to go with the flow so I could run down the street in my underwear is beyond embarrassing.  He'll never let me live it down, I'm sure.
9. Said way too much, and said it loud.  Drunk me is always airing out her fucking business.
10. Became determined to be flexible.  I put my leg on my friend's shoulder, or tried to... (my ass went on the floor)  Don't know what I was trying to prove there.

However, there are a few smart things I did!
1. No drunk facebooking.
2. No drunk tweeting.
3. No drunk pictures! They always turn out so awful and some asshole has to post them later.
4. I gave my phone to my sober friend at the end of the night so I couldn't drunk text a guy at the party who I wanted to give a piece of my mind to (the fact that I begged for it back is irrelevant).
5. Ate something when I got back to my room.
6. Didn't slap the shit out of a friend who was trying way to hard to get with me.  I like him as a friend, but apparently he can only handle that when he's sober.

Oops, I Had Sex (and it didn't go well) - A Cautionary Tale

I post enough embarrassing stuff on here that I figured I should just go ahead and share this one too.  I'm honestly disgusted at how much sex/boy talk I've been doing lately.  I swear I have other interests in my life, but I just suppose they just aren't as noteworthy.  And honestly, my sex life is so much funnier than anything else I do.  In fact, it's even a bit of a warning...  Are you ready for my not-sexy sex story?

It would be just my luck to pick out a guy who has a thing for pain in the bedroom.  Bite, scratch, beat, whatever it is, he's into it.  You know what he's not into?  Foreplay.  Or Condoms.

Concerning the first one I just have to say, it's fucking necessary to turn on the sprinklers before you start running around in the front yard hoping for something to happen!  And I haven't had sex in almost 5 months, it should be soooooooo easy for you to do.  No excuses.
By the way, do you know what condoms have on them? lube.
And I'll just go ahead and do a little no-condom rant.  I KNOW. I've been taught since the 6th grade that condoms are great, super important little things that are a necessity.  Especially when having casual sex with someone. I KNOW.  But we didn't and in my defense I asked for one a few times and he just claimed he didn't have one.  You know what he didn't ask?  If he come cum inside of me.  Yeah, that happened.  No permission given, he just went for it.  I was dumbfounded.  Saying "yeah I'm on birth control" was not "woman speak" for disregard condoms and, oh while your at it, put your sperm in me!

So, there was that nonsense.  And I was in pain the whole time, both times.  Strait up pain.  The first time I even asked him to stop, don't finish, just stop.  It's a little my fault, I'm not directive at all.  I don't come with an instructions manual, I just hope that I have a good builder.  One lesson learned from the sexcapade was speak up!  Being quiet will get you nothing!
Or wait, it will get you something...
In my case it was a swollen v a g i n a.  It happens during sex, it's honestly pretty natural (I looked it up).  However, I got home and put an ice pack on my vagina.  For about an hour.  I wish I was kidding.  Thankfully I'm a good sport, because it makes me laugh just to think about it.  I mean, an ice pack shaped like an oreo was in my pants for a good part of my Friday while I was skipping classes because it hurt to walk or wear underwear.  You can't make that shit up, you just have to live it.

Also when I got to my room I realized I'd walk of shamed with a hickey the size of Massachusetts on my shoulder and neck.  Gigantic.  A guy actually asked me if I got hit by/fell on something.  That happened to be the weekend I went home and my amazing dad had the grace to ignore it while I did my best to apply make-up and wear clothes from my small selection of t-shirts (they make me feel like I'm choking so I don't own many).

I waited five months to have sex, and this is what happened to me.  I just...it really does make me smile.  I'm so ridiculous sometimes.

By the way (my little disclaimer), in the guy's defense, it wasn't all bad and he's actually a nice person.  The good stuff just isn't as interesting or funny as the bad, so I won't bore you with it, haha.

An Apology (and explanation) Letter To My Future Husband (should I ever get one)

Hello my beautiful blog!  I've been hiding from you.  Yes, hiding...because of that last post, the one that I STILL can't read but refuse to delete.  It reeks of how low and pathetic I was and can be; plus I pretty much cried the whole time I wrote it.  It was an emotional breakdown that I'll admit I'm still not dealing with.  It's all basically "la-la-la-la-la-plug-my-ears-and-move-on."
Big surprise that it's not working well for me.

Here's Example A of how well things are going:
I meet Joe Schmo at a frat party.  He's pretty cute, tall, awkward, and one-hundred and twenty percent into me.  We talk, we badly dance, I give him a chaste kiss and my phone number (lalalalalalalalalalalala).
Then we hung out the next day...for six hours.  We strolled around campus, looked at a few sights, held hands.  It was all very cheesy and 1950's.  I took him to one of my good friend's house, mistake #249,904.  The awkwardness clung to the air around me, I felt so forced into even the simple intimacy of sitting next to him. Finally I couldn't take it any more.  I asked the poor kid to leave.
Have you ever had to do that?  Is there a polite way to ask someone to get the fuck out before you use your North Face to hang yourself from the ceiling fan?  Personally I couldn't think of one and I was in panic mode.
I think I did an okay job though, by saying, "I'd really like to just hang out with my friends now." then I kissed him and said "can that be a goodnight kiss?" (damn smooth for panic mode, am I right?)
And I have not talked to him since.  If the guilt is killing me, then the anger I feel at myself for being such a complicated bitch has already bought my headstone.
I realized just how much I do not, repeat DO NOT, want a relationship.  I don't want to share my friends or my time with anyone else.  I can't be bothered by the strange "I like you," and "I like you too" but "how much?" parts of a budding relationshit relationship.  Yet I threw away the friends-with-benefits part of my life because I fell in love with the guy and wanted more.  But I don't want more?  You see, I put a question mark there because I'm really not fucking sure.

So yeah, I'm not really okay.  But I am.  Like, I'm functional and happy, just occasionally confused.  Also, I'm on the brink of making stupid decisions, like texting the guy I'm still in love with for his birthday so when I'm out for the summer we can have lunch and catch up.  I keep asking people whether they think it's a good idea or not, and they all say the same thing.  I'm not sure why I keep asking, I know what I 'm going to end up doing.
And so continues the denial train, choo-choo-motherfucker!

So Frustrated I Can't Even Come Up With a Proper Title

It's been seven posts since I talked about a guy.  Pretty sure that's a record.
So now I'm in the dilemma of trying to see how long I can go, or getting some things off my chest by writing about a very confusing someone.
Fuck it, I have no self restraint and this is what I wanted to talk about anyway.

First of all, I'd like to restate that I'm fucked up.  I'm an emotional mess, a total weirdo, and as indecisive as humanly possible.  With my last relationship issue (talked about in My Holiday Heart-to-Heart...and about a million other posts) I was left feeling inadequate, lonely, and confused.  I don't regret a thing, but I still think about that guy every day.  You know what else I think about every day?
SEX.
I'm at a sexual roadblock in my life right now, and it's starting to really piss me off.
I don't want to have a one night stand, I don't want to sleep with some random person, I don't want a relationship, I can't handle friends with benefits, I don't want to fuck up any friendships with sexual tension, and I'm honest to God scared of any emotional repercussions of sleeping with a new person.
What am I supposed to do?  I just about loose my damn mind when I try to figure it out.

So here is where the guy comes in.  I'd like to let everyone know that he is the most frustrating, infuriating, annoying, twisted, man-whore, bastard who really lights a fire under my ass.  And he doesn't even have to do anything.  In fact, half of the time not doing anything is my problem with him. Let's call him Cole.
Cole and I have issues.  Actually, I'm most likely the only one with issues, he's probably completely oblivious.  I can't even explain what it is about him that infuriates me so much.
Maybe it's that he slept with my roommate in a drunken stupor, maybe it's that he then apologized to me and then kissed me, maybe it's that he calls me his friend but doesn't put his money where his mouth is.  It's quite possibly the fact that he's such a fake.  He always acts like he's superior and nothing bothers him, but he's intelligent, quirky, and occasionally poetic.
It's probably the fact that I want him to fuck my brains out, but can't get over all of these negative qualities.  I don't think I'd ever recover from liking a guy like him too much.
Why do I like such assholes? Fucking genetics.

Hobo with a Shotgun

I want to share with everyone this little delight of a B movie that I found on Netflix thanks to some friends with an adventurous taste in films.  Granted, this movie was most likely made 1,000 times better because I watched it with a group of friends who pointed out things in the background, made funny comments, and asked questions that I might not have thought of.  Nevertheless, if you're bored on a Friday night & hanging out with some friends I suggest this movie.
It is, obviously, about a Hobo with a Shotgun.  Now, if that title doesn't interest you at all then I guess shy away from it.  But if you like funny quotes, fake blood, and righteous old man vigilantes who heal at unfathomable rates then this is for you.
Synopsis: A hobo gets of a train and goes into a town that is run by a family & it's crooked cops.  Seeing people pulled from the street and running over their heads with bumper cars is an average afternoon activity, along with rubbing your face in some cocaine with a few pals.  After a few unfortunate encounters the hobo decides that the money he's saved would be put to it's best use by buying a shotgun (that magically has unending ammo, by the way) and proceeds to take down the bullies of the town.
I won't spoil any more for you, you'll just have to watch.
And if that seat-gripping synopsis wasn't enough, here are a few quotes to light the fire I know you have under your ass to watch this movie:

"When life gives you razor blades, you make a baseball bat...with razor blades."

"Put the knife away kid...or I'll use it to cut welfare checks from your rotten skin!"
(In Response): "Well you better cut one to Mother Theresa, so you can give it to her while she's finger-banging you in hell!"

"Go the fuck home everybody!  And don't forget to wash your dicks!"

"They are going to make comics out of my hate-crimes!"

"You look so hot, I just want to cut off my dick and rub it against your titties."

These are just a few from IMDB (I made the mistake of not writing them down while watching the movie-how was I to know it was going to be so quotable?)
So if you end up watching it, let me know what you think & your favorite quote!

Loosing The Feeling of Feeling Unique

Somewhere between packing for college and putting together my dorm room I lost myself.
I'm determined to find me again.

I think the biggest sign of this loss is my choice of clothing.  I used to be up to date (in my own middle-of-nowhere way) and I would enjoy putting together clothes.  I loved finding new things in the store, and most of all I loved turning something I already owned into something completely different.  For example scarves become headbands, socks become leg warmers or things to make a bun out of.
I can't seem to do these things anymore and I'm not sure why.  I've become the girl who wears jeans and a t-shirt every day, all day.  Then I would become convinced that other girls that would wear just jeans and a t-shirt were wearing it much better than me.
A loss of confidence perhaps?
Maybe it's because my entire group of friends split and went different ways?
It could be something as simple as my closest is now split between home and school and it's causing the fashion version of writers block.

I'm determined to change this.  I'm planning on getting a job, saving up money, and spending the leftovers on things that will make me feel good again.
I got good grades, but I think I just can't feel accomplished until I am able to provide for myself and not rely on others for things.  Even my parents (who honestly can't afford to buy the nice kind of toilet paper right now--but that's a different story) can be no help when it comes to money.

It's not quite a new year's rez, but it'll do.  For now anyway;)

Chest-bumps and Crowd Chants

I finally went to my first college football game yesterday.  Throughout this semester I'd requested three tickets, received all of them, even printed them out only to later decide that I didn't want to go to a damn football game.  My friends convinced me it would be fun, that I would just love it, so I went.

At first I was excited, everyone had such school spirit (something my high school had never managed).  The thought "I want to go to every football game for the rest of college" even crossed my mind.  That was quickly erased, however, as I remembered why I don't like football in the first place.

I don't have the attention span to watch that crap!  It goes on forever, and then a few days after that.  The chants got old, and after a certain point we were beating the other team to such an extent they weren't going to come back at all so to watch any more was pretty much irrelevant.   

I've decided that should I choose to go to another one in the future I should be solidly drunk, like all of the other people around me.  Then maybe I'll find men hitting each other with their bodies more entertaining.

P.S. 

Rugby is so much better.