I post enough embarrassing stuff on here that I figured I should just go ahead and share this one too. I'm honestly disgusted at how much sex/boy talk I've been doing lately. I swear I have other interests in my life, but I just suppose they just aren't as noteworthy. And honestly, my sex life is so much funnier than anything else I do. In fact, it's even a bit of a warning... Are you ready for my not-sexy sex story?
It would be just my luck to pick out a guy who has a thing for pain in the bedroom. Bite, scratch, beat, whatever it is, he's into it. You know what he's not into? Foreplay. Or Condoms.
Concerning the first one I just have to say, it's fucking necessary to turn on the sprinklers before you start running around in the front yard hoping for something to happen! And I haven't had sex in almost 5 months, it should be soooooooo easy for you to do. No excuses.
By the way, do you know what condoms have on them? lube.
And I'll just go ahead and do a little no-condom rant. I KNOW. I've been taught since the 6th grade that condoms are great, super important little things that are a necessity. Especially when having casual sex with someone. I KNOW. But we didn't and in my defense I asked for one a few times and he just claimed he didn't have one. You know what he didn't ask? If he come cum inside of me. Yeah, that happened. No permission given, he just went for it. I was dumbfounded. Saying "yeah I'm on birth control" was not "woman speak" for disregard condoms and, oh while your at it, put your sperm in me!
So, there was that nonsense. And I was in pain the whole time, both times. Strait up pain. The first time I even asked him to stop, don't finish, just stop. It's a little my fault, I'm not directive at all. I don't come with an instructions manual, I just hope that I have a good builder. One lesson learned from the sexcapade was speak up! Being quiet will get you nothing!
Or wait, it will get you something...
In my case it was a swollen v a g i n a. It happens during sex, it's honestly pretty natural (I looked it up). However, I got home and put an ice pack on my vagina. For about an hour. I wish I was kidding. Thankfully I'm a good sport, because it makes me laugh just to think about it. I mean, an ice pack shaped like an oreo was in my pants for a good part of my Friday while I was skipping classes because it hurt to walk or wear underwear. You can't make that shit up, you just have to live it.
Also when I got to my room I realized I'd walk of shamed with a hickey the size of Massachusetts on my shoulder and neck. Gigantic. A guy actually asked me if I got hit by/fell on something. That happened to be the weekend I went home and my amazing dad had the grace to ignore it while I did my best to apply make-up and wear clothes from my small selection of t-shirts (they make me feel like I'm choking so I don't own many).
I waited five months to have sex, and this is what happened to me. I just...it really does make me smile. I'm so ridiculous sometimes.
By the way (my little disclaimer), in the guy's defense, it wasn't all bad and he's actually a nice person. The good stuff just isn't as interesting or funny as the bad, so I won't bore you with it, haha.
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