An Apology (and explanation) Letter To My Future Husband (should I ever get one)

Hello my beautiful blog!  I've been hiding from you.  Yes, hiding...because of that last post, the one that I STILL can't read but refuse to delete.  It reeks of how low and pathetic I was and can be; plus I pretty much cried the whole time I wrote it.  It was an emotional breakdown that I'll admit I'm still not dealing with.  It's all basically "la-la-la-la-la-plug-my-ears-and-move-on."
Big surprise that it's not working well for me.

Here's Example A of how well things are going:
I meet Joe Schmo at a frat party.  He's pretty cute, tall, awkward, and one-hundred and twenty percent into me.  We talk, we badly dance, I give him a chaste kiss and my phone number (lalalalalalalalalalalala).
Then we hung out the next day...for six hours.  We strolled around campus, looked at a few sights, held hands.  It was all very cheesy and 1950's.  I took him to one of my good friend's house, mistake #249,904.  The awkwardness clung to the air around me, I felt so forced into even the simple intimacy of sitting next to him. Finally I couldn't take it any more.  I asked the poor kid to leave.
Have you ever had to do that?  Is there a polite way to ask someone to get the fuck out before you use your North Face to hang yourself from the ceiling fan?  Personally I couldn't think of one and I was in panic mode.
I think I did an okay job though, by saying, "I'd really like to just hang out with my friends now." then I kissed him and said "can that be a goodnight kiss?" (damn smooth for panic mode, am I right?)
And I have not talked to him since.  If the guilt is killing me, then the anger I feel at myself for being such a complicated bitch has already bought my headstone.
I realized just how much I do not, repeat DO NOT, want a relationship.  I don't want to share my friends or my time with anyone else.  I can't be bothered by the strange "I like you," and "I like you too" but "how much?" parts of a budding relationshit relationship.  Yet I threw away the friends-with-benefits part of my life because I fell in love with the guy and wanted more.  But I don't want more?  You see, I put a question mark there because I'm really not fucking sure.

So yeah, I'm not really okay.  But I am.  Like, I'm functional and happy, just occasionally confused.  Also, I'm on the brink of making stupid decisions, like texting the guy I'm still in love with for his birthday so when I'm out for the summer we can have lunch and catch up.  I keep asking people whether they think it's a good idea or not, and they all say the same thing.  I'm not sure why I keep asking, I know what I 'm going to end up doing.
And so continues the denial train, choo-choo-motherfucker!

Is Quoting Myself Narcissistic?

It's pretty hard to be funny in writing, especially for me.  When I make people laugh it's usually because I'm making a face/hand motion/action to go along with my words.  I also find it very hard to be funny on cue (which is yet another challenge of writing it all out), so if you find me funny from reading my blog, you're a beautiful angel who deserves an award.
Luckily for me, I have an awesome roommate who quotes me a good bit on twitter.  So I thought I'd do a quick little list of my favorite things I've said that she quoted me on (in order of least favorite to favorite).  Hopefully you'll get a taste of my sense of humor with words instead of writing for a change.

14. Hips are to thighs as jelly is to jello.
13. What if I put it on a t-shirt?  Would it still be depressing?
12. He looks like he just came out of uterus! He should NOT be holding a baby.
11. That's why Soprano singers get all the D.
10. I would not pop out a baby, I would pop out a brick.  It would not be pretty.
9.  ...which means I know where the SPCA is and I can go and pet fucking kittens! (Me on going home for a weekend).
8. My Friend: "Like a good neighbor state farm is there."  Me: "with an abortion kit!"
7. (in response to the previous one) I saw your mouth drop and I thought, oh no, I went to far.
6. Who would pick a child when you can have a dog?
5. He's wearing a mop on his head...except it's his hair.
4. I mean if someone spent the money on the alcohol, and then spent the money on the rufies, they'd hang on to that shit. (me on drinking mysterious alcohol found under bushes).
3. That's what's wrong with him; he's a smirker.  I don't like smirkers. (My take on Mitt Romney).
2. I have such pussy hands.  I got a blister from sharpening pencils once.
1. It was like someone stuck a cotton ball in my mouth...and then a fart. (Me on grapefruit).

You're welcome to follow me on twitter (although I'm no funnier there than I am here, promise): https://twitter.com/delrue77

No Money, No Worries, & A Cherry for Your Trouble

Well, I didn't post at all in May because I was pretty busy wearing that mortar board cap they require graduates to buy and actually wear during the ceremony.  You see, graduating isn't all about listening to speeches and walking down an aisle to take your seat.  No, it's about sending out announcements, planning a party, getting your grades in order, determining your last day, etc, etc.
I also didn't post in May, because believe it or not, I'm one boring broad.  Taking the time to turn my mundane everyday events into witty posts is exhausting, for me to write & you to read.
However, a few things of interest have happened lately, and I feel the need to share them with the ever present cyber-space.  A lovely thing with mo judgments, no pity, and most of the time no response, is just the kind of listener I need.

I found out last Wednesday that the current business I work for closed.  Picture me, getting ready for work the night before, taking my shower, figuring out what to wear (pretty open dress code), setting my clock for the time I need to wake up, only to realize the next morning that it's all for naught.  Not only would I not be going into work that day, but I wouldn't be going into work ever again.  It's not the kind of thing you want to hear over a bowl of cheery-o's.
No notice.  Worse, no pay.  As in my last week of pay, about a 100 dollars, will be forever in my boss's (boss'?) pocket.  Bankrupt.
Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm going bankrupt I'm well aware of it way before the day before it happens.
Since there is nothing I can do to a) get my job back, or b) get my money back, I'm going to leave it at this.  It was a great first job, it got me though senior year & paid for Lucy (my car) to run all over the place, as well as get odds and ends fixed.
I made friends, and I managed to get a good reference.
The End.


Now, I wonder how much of my other new & ever-so-exciting news I should share.  I've really poured my heart out on here before, and I worry that one day someone who knows me will come across this page and literally shit a brick.  I'm always hesitant of new things, mostly because I don't want to shout out how cool my new toy is to the entire world, only to have it embarrassingly break three seconds later.  I don't want to say "I met a boy" only to have the whole thing fade away within a week.  Then I have to face my misplaced excitement and this post and decide what level of stupidity I was on before I check back in to the real world.   Or something between me and him might happen, then I'll want to post on here about it, but it would feel all out of the blue due to a lack of background story.  And lets be honest, when you have something awesome to share, who wants to waste time with a shitty background story??
So, I met a guy.  He's different, and I like it.  Different from any other guy I've ever liked, and I think better.

*Also, the lack of trouble I've given my parents in school and with grades (plus the fact I've never snuck out & don't really party), I've made up for with my choice of men.  I did a number with the 23 year old ex-drug addict, but this one is a cherry on top.
That's all for now.

Life in the tip jar

I've been struggling with this very common writers block called "laziness." It effects my ability to string together anything coherent enough to write. For your information, yes, it's still in effect, so you'll just have to muddle through this with me:) Also, I just finished watching a Harry Potter movie so as I'm typing it's in a British accent, I do believe that will not help things along quite nicely at all.

I'd like to start by saying that I hate the last few posts I put up, they're all me being whiny bitch crazy girl. I've made the conscious decision to not have any guys in my life for a while as it's apparent they make me bat shit insane. The fact that I don't know what I want proves that I really shouldn't be wanting anything at all. Of course, that doesn't mean that sometimes late at night I don't feel the need for a nice, tall, handsome stranger to come and sweep me off my hopeless size 8 feet
That, however, will not happen unless I'm literally dreaming.
Or if I've been sucked into an alternate universe.
Or if I get a genie in a bottle (but not Christina Aguilera, someone less pretty).

ANYWAYS

the point that I'm really going to hit on for this post is my job as a waitress. I know I talk about it a lot and my friends probably hate me for it, but it does take up a pretty big presence in my life. Sometimes it's truly great, I get to laugh with my "co-workers" and meet some really wacky people, and then sometimes I get bitched at by my boss just because he's cranky, and occasionally people make high demands and then leave a shitty tip.
I don't make much, but I'd say I've gotten a lot of experience. I'm ashamed to say I didn't know how to make tea before I started working. I didn't know that you couldn't mix old ketchup with new ketchup (whoops). I didn't know that when you get your straw paper all over the damn place some poor girl has to pick it up because it's the herpes of trash. It seems to never go away.
I never thought about how when you pick up two people's drinks you better be damn sure whose drink is whose when you bring them back. I never wondered who had to meticulously make those little dressing cups that you so easily pour over your salads.

Yeah, I'm only making 3 something an hour, and I do a lot of work. So when you make me bring your obnoxious child three different drinks until one suits, or you ask a million questions I have to pretend to have the answer to, or when I have to clean up the unbelievable mess you left behind you, a tip would be appreciated.
I know it's a pain and you feel like you're throwing hard earned money away, but I'm working hard too. Just a tip on tipping. It's polite and it will greatly improve my view upon your character.

Also, I know when you call in a pick up or a delivery order you want a time to go by, but I'm not a fucking psychic. I have about as much of a clue as you do. When you make me give you a time, I'm not lying, but I'm sure as heck guessing. I know it won't stop you from doing so, but be sure to take the time lightly because it's not a sure thing. Unlike my smile ;D

I feel the need to end this post with a few confessions since it's been a while since I've had to do any of these:

1) tomorrow is my mom's birthday and I haven't even gotten her a card (awful, I know! But it's so hard when she buys herself stuff all the time, what's left to get her???)
2) I gave a guy my phone number just for shits and giggles and I'll admit to being a little hurt that I never got a response.
3) I have 44 or so school days left of my high school career
4) I killed my fourth fish the other day. He lived to be a little over a year old, but still. I'm a bad fish mommy... RIP Mr. Richards.
5) I'm procrastinating my homework by writing this post right now.

story - chapter two

I swear that this is more then just ramblings, the first two chapters are just kinda for character development, so you get to know them and blah, blah, blah.
But I promise that it gets better. Atleast... I think it does...


-------------------

The ride there was the most fun I’d had in a really long time. Kali and I laughed and talked until our voices cracked and our stomachs hurt. I felt bad because she had to pay for everything, but I made sure to tell her that I had every intention of repaying her. It was painfully clear that Kali had done a great deal better with her life than I had with mine. She had her own restaurant that was really packing in the money and had gotten great reviews. She’s even been in the paper multiple times. She also had, to my dismay, a new fiance. I knew that she was seeing a guy but I had no idea that he’d proposed to her. I was a little upset because I wanted to be the first one to know.

“Remember when we said that I would marry Ryan and you would marry Jake?” I asked her, a playful tone in my voice. “We said that we would do a double wedding and everything.”

It was a painful topic for the both of us. Ryan was like my personal demon that liked to haunt me at my most happy moments and Jake was the epitome of everything that Kali had wanted and couldn’t have. The second I said it I wished I hadn’t.

“Yeah, I remember,” she said. She looked over at me and put her hand on my shoulder, “hey, don’t beat yourself up about it, Laney. We’re older now and moving on to better things, better guys. They’re the past and they’re going to stay there. Okay?”

I smiled in agreement and she returned her eyes to the road. I still wish I hadn’t brought it up, but it was nice to know that Kali was done with her demons. Now if only I could battle mine…


"There it is!" Kali said with pride tingeing her voice as we pulled up to her house. She was talking about her restaurant. It had an old school theme to it and was a turquoise blue color on the outside. It had a big sign that said Kali’s Diner on it in the very front of the parking lot. I was so excited for her and the amount of hard work she had put into it and the success she had gotten back. Her house was conveniently right across the street from it. It, however, didn’t look old school at all. It had normal white siding and a normal little front yard and was so average that I almost couldn’t believe is was here in Vegas.

“Do you like it?” Kali asked as she turned to me, begging for my approval.

“It’s absolutely amazing. Thank you so much Kali, I owe you forever for all of this.” I gave her another hug. I couldn’t wait to start working again, even if it was for a friend. Kali was doing so much for me and I just didn’t know exactly how I could show her how grateful I was for it all.

“See! I knew you’d be happy that I dragged your sorry ass down here.”

I rolled my eyes, even though she was right, and got out of the car and grabbed two boxes of stuff, following Kali into her house. I couldn’t help but wonder if the inside was as normal as the out. Kali had always been majorly earthy, but what did I know? People change, I know I have.

---

“Laney, this is Michael. Michael, this is Laney,” Kali said introducing me to her fiancé. He was tall and skinny with dirty blonde hair and a sideways smile. He also had brown eyes that looked like they might be able to change color. He held himself with confidence and while he shook my hand and said a polite hello I had the feeling he was looking down on me. He obviously thought me beneath him.

I smiled and was polite right back; I understood Kali was my very last option. But that didn’t mean that I had to like her fiancé.

He took one of my boxes and followed behind Kali and I to my new room. I got a good look at the pictures on the walls and saw lots of photography. I remembered that’s what she used to want to be. It put a smile on my face to know that she hadn’t stopped what she loved doing as so many other people I knew had.

We reached a dark brown door and we all set down my stuff right in front of it.

“Here you are,” Kali said, grinning from ear to ear. “I know you’ll love it!”

I laughed at how excited she was, “I know I will to Kali, don’t worry.” I opened the door and was to tired to notice what it looked like, but I pretended to care for Kali’s sake. “Wow, it’s beautiful! Oh my god Kali, thank you, thank you, thank you!” She smiled and knew I was tired and that I could give her a read thanks in the morning.

“haha, you get some sleep girl. Work starts tomorrow,” she said and gave me a wink. She waved goodbye and I waved back at her and Michael. Don’t think I was to tired to notice he hadn’t said a word. I shut the door and got ready for the best sleep I’d had in months.