Is the future really that important? By expecting positive and exciting things we set ourselves up for potential failure, so is it worth it? Why plan, cry, or worry about things we can't control?
I stress myself sick about my future. I'll be halfway done with college soon and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I still love laying in bed all day and I can't help but turn up my nose at the idea of a 9 to 5 full time job.
Next year I'll be paying for an apartment, I'll have to get yet another job (I did apply for one though the school this time too), and I need a car to get around in. My boyfriend is panic-stricken at the idea of me moving on, he thinks we won't last another year of long distance, despite the fact we see each other almost every weekend.
Growing up is hard.
Remember when we were kids and 18 seemed so far away. When I was in elementary I just wanted boobs and to be able to see myself in the bathroom sink mirror. The older I get the faster time seems to move and there is no slowing it down. And I have high expectations for my life, where I want to travel and live. I have a dream image of what my house will look like, how I'll raise my kid, all of it.
And is my current boyfriend my last? How will I know when cut him lose, or when to attach myself for good?
When I get my crystal ball and my magic abilites (due in the mail any day now) I'll be back with answers. Until then I'll just hang out here and fret. Awesome.
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
The "D" Word
Almost two weeks ago I went to visit the doctor. I hadn't been in a while and I needed to set up with a steady doctor who wasn't a pediatrician, so I thought I'd go ahead with it while I was on Christmas break. Physically I'm totally fine, I hardly ever get sick, and I don't think I have any life threatening illnesses.
However, I'm slightly OCD and anxious. I've had a few panic attacks, heart palpitations and add that into my new mood swings, and constant crying...I knew something was up. I just hate admitting things like that. I always want to be in complete control of myself, I don't want any help, much less any medication.
They had me fill out a form about my "feelings." Like, "I feel this often," or, "I never feel this" and while looking at it I busted into tears - a complete fit really. It was totally fucking embarrassing.
So you're looking at a newly diagnosed depressed young woman. It's awesome. However, I've been on medicine and I feel so much better. I've only cried twice! And once was because of a movie! haha. We'll see how things go when school starts back up and I pile more things onto my plate. With 18 credit hours, a part time job, and a boyfriend I just hope I can juggle as well as become a magician. Turning chainsaws into doves can't be that hard, right? Maybe I'll up my dose...
(kidding, haha)
Besides that I have SO MUCH to catch up on. I signed for an apartment recently, my family gave my boyfriend 600 dollars, my new years resolutions, my (very decent if I must say) grades, and my recent Christmas adventures in North Carolina. I'll probably have new years stuff too. Man, I'm behind.
I'll at least post a few pictures on here to I don't feel so lame, haha.
However, I'm slightly OCD and anxious. I've had a few panic attacks, heart palpitations and add that into my new mood swings, and constant crying...I knew something was up. I just hate admitting things like that. I always want to be in complete control of myself, I don't want any help, much less any medication.
They had me fill out a form about my "feelings." Like, "I feel this often," or, "I never feel this" and while looking at it I busted into tears - a complete fit really. It was totally fucking embarrassing.
So you're looking at a newly diagnosed depressed young woman. It's awesome. However, I've been on medicine and I feel so much better. I've only cried twice! And once was because of a movie! haha. We'll see how things go when school starts back up and I pile more things onto my plate. With 18 credit hours, a part time job, and a boyfriend I just hope I can juggle as well as become a magician. Turning chainsaws into doves can't be that hard, right? Maybe I'll up my dose...
(kidding, haha)
Besides that I have SO MUCH to catch up on. I signed for an apartment recently, my family gave my boyfriend 600 dollars, my new years resolutions, my (very decent if I must say) grades, and my recent Christmas adventures in North Carolina. I'll probably have new years stuff too. Man, I'm behind.
I'll at least post a few pictures on here to I don't feel so lame, haha.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Two Months Shy of Forever
I'm 20, I don't think I did a birthday post this year, but it's important that you know that I'm sitting here on the very cusp of my 20's, eager to see what lays before me. I also have a boyfriend and I've posted a good bit of pictures on here of us in case you need a face to match to the stories. We've been dating a little over 5 months (not very long, yet forever at the same time) and his 25th birthday is in January.
Excuse me while I panic, but he sees me as his forever. Like, those words pretty much came out of his mouth. Worse, "marriage" came out of his mouth.
I can't even explain how panicked that makes me feel, and even just a little caged in. Yet it's totally endearing at the same time. I'm not upset, I'm just marveling at the fact that someone thinks they can put up with my shit 24/7.
Also, I'm ready to live on my own, pay rent, and be an adult...but I'm not ready to be that kind of adult. In the mean time, I'll enjoy my boyfriend and try not to think about how absolutely bat shit crazy he must be.
xoxo
Excuse me while I panic, but he sees me as his forever. Like, those words pretty much came out of his mouth. Worse, "marriage" came out of his mouth.
I can't even explain how panicked that makes me feel, and even just a little caged in. Yet it's totally endearing at the same time. I'm not upset, I'm just marveling at the fact that someone thinks they can put up with my shit 24/7.
Also, I'm ready to live on my own, pay rent, and be an adult...but I'm not ready to be that kind of adult. In the mean time, I'll enjoy my boyfriend and try not to think about how absolutely bat shit crazy he must be.
xoxo
Monday, October 22, 2012
The Rules of Existing
I'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you and you don't even care that I exist I tried to be friends with benefits, I tried to be just friends, and now these dreams that I have of us... They tell me that I still see you in my future. I want so badly to hang on to you, because when you love someone you never want to give them up, but I've degraded myself for you so much already.
You don't even know and if you did you wouldn't care. It hurts, it's so fucking painful and it makes me feel so lonely. I feel like if I can't make you love me back, how can I ever expect to get it from someone else?
I would be anything you wanted me to be. Older, younger, wilder, smarter. I'd do anything for you and we don't even talk more than once a week anymore.
I need to keep contact with you, but I can't detach myself. I thought I was okay, I didn't think being "just friends" would bother me. You've made me your booty call, and part of me thinks that's fine!
I just don't want to be alone anymore, and I feel like you're the one person who should make that better, not worse.
I'm in love with you and you don't even care that I exist I tried to be friends with benefits, I tried to be just friends, and now these dreams that I have of us... They tell me that I still see you in my future. I want so badly to hang on to you, because when you love someone you never want to give them up, but I've degraded myself for you so much already.
You don't even know and if you did you wouldn't care. It hurts, it's so fucking painful and it makes me feel so lonely. I feel like if I can't make you love me back, how can I ever expect to get it from someone else?
I would be anything you wanted me to be. Older, younger, wilder, smarter. I'd do anything for you and we don't even talk more than once a week anymore.
I need to keep contact with you, but I can't detach myself. I thought I was okay, I didn't think being "just friends" would bother me. You've made me your booty call, and part of me thinks that's fine!
I just don't want to be alone anymore, and I feel like you're the one person who should make that better, not worse.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Dirty socks and other laundry I'd like to air
So I'm about to talk about something really personal, awkward, and embarrassing. Even more than usual.
But first, I'd like to build it up and chat a little bit about some of the unconventional things my first semester of college has taught me:
1) Roommates aren't meant to share everything.
I'm very good friends with my roommate, we even chose to room together. We party together, share food, and talk to each other about mostly everything. However, I made the mistake of not putting my foot down about a guy I liked, and she ended up sleeping with him. That kind of sharing isn't okay. Share the fact he's off limits, don't share his dick.
2) You're going to have a shit ton of exams.
Study for one at a time. You will kill yourself trying to study a week ahead of time, keep up with the class, but don't spend every night making flash cards.
3) Laundry is expensive!
I spend about $20 on laundry every month and yet I just can't seem to get my socks as clean as my mom did...
4) Put a damn condom on. Please!
Everyone tells you this, basically from the time you learn about sex. You nod your head, swear you'll never go without, and then end up doing it anyways. In fact, even as I write this I know that whoever is reading this will, at some point, decide against a condom. You really won't realize how important they are until you have a pregnancy or STI scare. Hopefully it'll just be a scare and not too late.
And that brings me to number five. Oh, number five...you shitty little asshat.
A little over a week ago I went to a frat date night as a favor for my friend. Since most of the pledges and dates weren't 21 we pregamed before going to a club, which was fun. After a while my friend and I ditched our dates and began to really have a good time.
A screwdriver, shot, and 1/2 pitcher of beer later, I'm open minded enough to dance with just about anyone. When one of my lovely dance partners kisses me on the lips I don't think much of it, except for the fact that I wasn't into him enough for anything but dancing. I didn't pay much attention then, but I should have taken a good look at the giant cold sore on his freaking lip.
Herpes.
I realized yesterday that I'd been exposed and I was at the doctors less than 24 hours later, and that's where I got my (possibly) most important lesson.
Yeah, herpes is a shitty thing to have, but it's not that big of a deal. Apparently 1 in 6 people have it, although most don't break out. The doctor told me that I hadn't broken out yet, so I wouldn't, but that it was unnecessary to do a test because I most likely had been exposed to it at one point or another. I paid $15 so a doctor could tell me that basically "[I've] probably got this, but so does everyone else."
Needless to say, kissing strangers has officially been taken off of my to-do list and I'll be paying a lot more attention to cold sores, drunk or not.
Learn from me.
But first, I'd like to build it up and chat a little bit about some of the unconventional things my first semester of college has taught me:
1) Roommates aren't meant to share everything.
I'm very good friends with my roommate, we even chose to room together. We party together, share food, and talk to each other about mostly everything. However, I made the mistake of not putting my foot down about a guy I liked, and she ended up sleeping with him. That kind of sharing isn't okay. Share the fact he's off limits, don't share his dick.
2) You're going to have a shit ton of exams.
Study for one at a time. You will kill yourself trying to study a week ahead of time, keep up with the class, but don't spend every night making flash cards.
3) Laundry is expensive!
I spend about $20 on laundry every month and yet I just can't seem to get my socks as clean as my mom did...
4) Put a damn condom on. Please!
Everyone tells you this, basically from the time you learn about sex. You nod your head, swear you'll never go without, and then end up doing it anyways. In fact, even as I write this I know that whoever is reading this will, at some point, decide against a condom. You really won't realize how important they are until you have a pregnancy or STI scare. Hopefully it'll just be a scare and not too late.
And that brings me to number five. Oh, number five...you shitty little asshat.
A little over a week ago I went to a frat date night as a favor for my friend. Since most of the pledges and dates weren't 21 we pregamed before going to a club, which was fun. After a while my friend and I ditched our dates and began to really have a good time.
A screwdriver, shot, and 1/2 pitcher of beer later, I'm open minded enough to dance with just about anyone. When one of my lovely dance partners kisses me on the lips I don't think much of it, except for the fact that I wasn't into him enough for anything but dancing. I didn't pay much attention then, but I should have taken a good look at the giant cold sore on his freaking lip.
Herpes.
I realized yesterday that I'd been exposed and I was at the doctors less than 24 hours later, and that's where I got my (possibly) most important lesson.
Yeah, herpes is a shitty thing to have, but it's not that big of a deal. Apparently 1 in 6 people have it, although most don't break out. The doctor told me that I hadn't broken out yet, so I wouldn't, but that it was unnecessary to do a test because I most likely had been exposed to it at one point or another. I paid $15 so a doctor could tell me that basically "[I've] probably got this, but so does everyone else."
Needless to say, kissing strangers has officially been taken off of my to-do list and I'll be paying a lot more attention to cold sores, drunk or not.
Learn from me.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
No Money, No Worries, & A Cherry for Your Trouble
Well, I didn't post at all in May because I was pretty busy wearing that mortar board cap they require graduates to buy and actually wear during the ceremony. You see, graduating isn't all about listening to speeches and walking down an aisle to take your seat. No, it's about sending out announcements, planning a party, getting your grades in order, determining your last day, etc, etc.
I also didn't post in May, because believe it or not, I'm one boring broad. Taking the time to turn my mundane everyday events into witty posts is exhausting, for me to write & you to read.
However, a few things of interest have happened lately, and I feel the need to share them with the ever present cyber-space. A lovely thing with mo judgments, no pity, and most of the time no response, is just the kind of listener I need.
I found out last Wednesday that the current business I work for closed. Picture me, getting ready for work the night before, taking my shower, figuring out what to wear (pretty open dress code), setting my clock for the time I need to wake up, only to realize the next morning that it's all for naught. Not only would I not be going into work that day, but I wouldn't be going into work ever again. It's not the kind of thing you want to hear over a bowl of cheery-o's.
No notice. Worse, no pay. As in my last week of pay, about a 100 dollars, will be forever in my boss's (boss'?) pocket. Bankrupt.
Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm going bankrupt I'm well aware of it way before the day before it happens.
Since there is nothing I can do to a) get my job back, or b) get my money back, I'm going to leave it at this. It was a great first job, it got me though senior year & paid for Lucy (my car) to run all over the place, as well as get odds and ends fixed.
I made friends, and I managed to get a good reference.
The End.
Now, I wonder how much of my other new & ever-so-exciting news I should share. I've really poured my heart out on here before, and I worry that one day someone who knows me will come across this page and literally shit a brick. I'm always hesitant of new things, mostly because I don't want to shout out how cool my new toy is to the entire world, only to have it embarrassingly break three seconds later. I don't want to say "I met a boy" only to have the whole thing fade away within a week. Then I have to face my misplaced excitement and this post and decide what level of stupidity I was on before I check back in to the real world. Or something between me and him might happen, then I'll want to post on here about it, but it would feel all out of the blue due to a lack of background story. And lets be honest, when you have something awesome to share, who wants to waste time with a shitty background story??
So, I met a guy. He's different, and I like it. Different from any other guy I've ever liked, and I think better.
*Also, the lack of trouble I've given my parents in school and with grades (plus the fact I've never snuck out & don't really party), I've made up for with my choice of men. I did a number with the 23 year old ex-drug addict, but this one is a cherry on top.
That's all for now.
I also didn't post in May, because believe it or not, I'm one boring broad. Taking the time to turn my mundane everyday events into witty posts is exhausting, for me to write & you to read.
However, a few things of interest have happened lately, and I feel the need to share them with the ever present cyber-space. A lovely thing with mo judgments, no pity, and most of the time no response, is just the kind of listener I need.
I found out last Wednesday that the current business I work for closed. Picture me, getting ready for work the night before, taking my shower, figuring out what to wear (pretty open dress code), setting my clock for the time I need to wake up, only to realize the next morning that it's all for naught. Not only would I not be going into work that day, but I wouldn't be going into work ever again. It's not the kind of thing you want to hear over a bowl of cheery-o's.
No notice. Worse, no pay. As in my last week of pay, about a 100 dollars, will be forever in my boss's (boss'?) pocket. Bankrupt.
Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm going bankrupt I'm well aware of it way before the day before it happens.
Since there is nothing I can do to a) get my job back, or b) get my money back, I'm going to leave it at this. It was a great first job, it got me though senior year & paid for Lucy (my car) to run all over the place, as well as get odds and ends fixed.
I made friends, and I managed to get a good reference.
The End.
Now, I wonder how much of my other new & ever-so-exciting news I should share. I've really poured my heart out on here before, and I worry that one day someone who knows me will come across this page and literally shit a brick. I'm always hesitant of new things, mostly because I don't want to shout out how cool my new toy is to the entire world, only to have it embarrassingly break three seconds later. I don't want to say "I met a boy" only to have the whole thing fade away within a week. Then I have to face my misplaced excitement and this post and decide what level of stupidity I was on before I check back in to the real world. Or something between me and him might happen, then I'll want to post on here about it, but it would feel all out of the blue due to a lack of background story. And lets be honest, when you have something awesome to share, who wants to waste time with a shitty background story??
So, I met a guy. He's different, and I like it. Different from any other guy I've ever liked, and I think better.
*Also, the lack of trouble I've given my parents in school and with grades (plus the fact I've never snuck out & don't really party), I've made up for with my choice of men. I did a number with the 23 year old ex-drug addict, but this one is a cherry on top.
That's all for now.
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