Where I'm Going vs. Where I've Been

So I was browsing through my blog and I came across one of my pity party "woe is me" posts about the last guy I was with.  I'm sure my blog is filled with them, but this is just the first one I laid eyes on.
I emphasized a lot about how I was immature and how I wasn't done exploring new things.  The only thing I rested on his shoulders was that he didn't put in enough effort.

I'm with a guy now, who blows that last one out of the water.  It's a testament to how I've been treated in the past, let me tell you.  He won't let me pay for anything, ever (it's a little frustrating sometimes), he's literally become good friends with my parents, he's met my friends, he works night shift but will stay up for over 24 hours to see me, he'll drive an hour to my house just to see me for 30 minutes before he goes to work, he's willing to visit me at school as much as I want, he listens when I say "no," he texts me good morning and good night.  And the biggest thing he did that no guy has ever done for me before?  Asks me and makes sure that I get off during sex.  He takes it as a personal defeat if I don't, it's really quite cute.

That whole paragraph is full of things that he does, that no one else has ever bothered or even attempted to do.  I'm sure I'm even missing a few things!  This whole situation actually makes me angry that I've never expected more out of a guy than for him to like me.  In the past I've gotten a few dinners, a movie date here or there, but no real chivalry.  And certainly no one who gave a shit about how I felt in bed.

Oops, I Had Sex (and it didn't go well) - A Cautionary Tale

I post enough embarrassing stuff on here that I figured I should just go ahead and share this one too.  I'm honestly disgusted at how much sex/boy talk I've been doing lately.  I swear I have other interests in my life, but I just suppose they just aren't as noteworthy.  And honestly, my sex life is so much funnier than anything else I do.  In fact, it's even a bit of a warning...  Are you ready for my not-sexy sex story?

It would be just my luck to pick out a guy who has a thing for pain in the bedroom.  Bite, scratch, beat, whatever it is, he's into it.  You know what he's not into?  Foreplay.  Or Condoms.

Concerning the first one I just have to say, it's fucking necessary to turn on the sprinklers before you start running around in the front yard hoping for something to happen!  And I haven't had sex in almost 5 months, it should be soooooooo easy for you to do.  No excuses.
By the way, do you know what condoms have on them? lube.
And I'll just go ahead and do a little no-condom rant.  I KNOW. I've been taught since the 6th grade that condoms are great, super important little things that are a necessity.  Especially when having casual sex with someone. I KNOW.  But we didn't and in my defense I asked for one a few times and he just claimed he didn't have one.  You know what he didn't ask?  If he come cum inside of me.  Yeah, that happened.  No permission given, he just went for it.  I was dumbfounded.  Saying "yeah I'm on birth control" was not "woman speak" for disregard condoms and, oh while your at it, put your sperm in me!

So, there was that nonsense.  And I was in pain the whole time, both times.  Strait up pain.  The first time I even asked him to stop, don't finish, just stop.  It's a little my fault, I'm not directive at all.  I don't come with an instructions manual, I just hope that I have a good builder.  One lesson learned from the sexcapade was speak up!  Being quiet will get you nothing!
Or wait, it will get you something...
In my case it was a swollen v a g i n a.  It happens during sex, it's honestly pretty natural (I looked it up).  However, I got home and put an ice pack on my vagina.  For about an hour.  I wish I was kidding.  Thankfully I'm a good sport, because it makes me laugh just to think about it.  I mean, an ice pack shaped like an oreo was in my pants for a good part of my Friday while I was skipping classes because it hurt to walk or wear underwear.  You can't make that shit up, you just have to live it.

Also when I got to my room I realized I'd walk of shamed with a hickey the size of Massachusetts on my shoulder and neck.  Gigantic.  A guy actually asked me if I got hit by/fell on something.  That happened to be the weekend I went home and my amazing dad had the grace to ignore it while I did my best to apply make-up and wear clothes from my small selection of t-shirts (they make me feel like I'm choking so I don't own many).

I waited five months to have sex, and this is what happened to me.  I just...it really does make me smile.  I'm so ridiculous sometimes.

By the way (my little disclaimer), in the guy's defense, it wasn't all bad and he's actually a nice person.  The good stuff just isn't as interesting or funny as the bad, so I won't bore you with it, haha.

So Frustrated I Can't Even Come Up With a Proper Title

It's been seven posts since I talked about a guy.  Pretty sure that's a record.
So now I'm in the dilemma of trying to see how long I can go, or getting some things off my chest by writing about a very confusing someone.
Fuck it, I have no self restraint and this is what I wanted to talk about anyway.

First of all, I'd like to restate that I'm fucked up.  I'm an emotional mess, a total weirdo, and as indecisive as humanly possible.  With my last relationship issue (talked about in My Holiday Heart-to-Heart...and about a million other posts) I was left feeling inadequate, lonely, and confused.  I don't regret a thing, but I still think about that guy every day.  You know what else I think about every day?
SEX.
I'm at a sexual roadblock in my life right now, and it's starting to really piss me off.
I don't want to have a one night stand, I don't want to sleep with some random person, I don't want a relationship, I can't handle friends with benefits, I don't want to fuck up any friendships with sexual tension, and I'm honest to God scared of any emotional repercussions of sleeping with a new person.
What am I supposed to do?  I just about loose my damn mind when I try to figure it out.

So here is where the guy comes in.  I'd like to let everyone know that he is the most frustrating, infuriating, annoying, twisted, man-whore, bastard who really lights a fire under my ass.  And he doesn't even have to do anything.  In fact, half of the time not doing anything is my problem with him. Let's call him Cole.
Cole and I have issues.  Actually, I'm most likely the only one with issues, he's probably completely oblivious.  I can't even explain what it is about him that infuriates me so much.
Maybe it's that he slept with my roommate in a drunken stupor, maybe it's that he then apologized to me and then kissed me, maybe it's that he calls me his friend but doesn't put his money where his mouth is.  It's quite possibly the fact that he's such a fake.  He always acts like he's superior and nothing bothers him, but he's intelligent, quirky, and occasionally poetic.
It's probably the fact that I want him to fuck my brains out, but can't get over all of these negative qualities.  I don't think I'd ever recover from liking a guy like him too much.
Why do I like such assholes? Fucking genetics.