Growing Pains

Is the future really that important?  By expecting positive and exciting things we set ourselves up for potential failure, so is it worth it?  Why plan, cry, or worry about things we can't control?
I stress myself sick about my future.  I'll be halfway done with college soon and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.  I still love laying in bed all day and I can't help but turn up my nose at the idea of a 9 to 5 full time job.
Next year I'll be paying for an apartment, I'll have to get yet another job (I did apply for one though the school this time too), and I need a car to get around in.  My boyfriend is panic-stricken at the idea of me moving on, he thinks we won't last another year of long distance, despite the fact we see each other almost every weekend.

Growing up is hard.
Remember when we were kids and 18 seemed so far away.  When I was in elementary I just wanted boobs and to be able to see myself in the bathroom sink mirror.  The older I get the faster time seems to move and there is no slowing it down.  And I have high expectations for my life, where I want to travel and live.  I have a dream image of what my house will look like, how I'll raise my kid, all of it.
And is my current boyfriend my last?  How will I know when cut him lose, or when to attach myself for good?

When I get my crystal ball and my magic abilites (due in the mail any day now) I'll be back with answers.  Until then I'll just hang out here and fret. Awesome.

The Survivor

I have a date with time, she's plucking my strings
and making me sing.
Hateful bitch.
I'm not in her league yet she fucks with me,
next to me
She steals the other sock
But only long enough for me to throw
the survivor out.

And she's a gold-digger, one hand
in my back pocket leaving nicotine
prints.
Even though I'm not a smoker,
She takes me to the bar
And makes me write her a song.
Why is time woman?

Because we create life
In the womb we also create her
tick tick tick
Life isn't a date,
Cigarettes,
Love,
Hate,
Finding your father,
Or Jesus.

It's dirty back pockets
Being able to breathe in death,
And survive
To pluck the strings
To lose the sock
tick tock.

The "D" Word

Almost two weeks ago I went to visit the doctor.  I hadn't been in a while and I needed to set up with a steady doctor who wasn't a pediatrician, so I thought I'd go ahead with it while I was on Christmas break.  Physically I'm totally fine, I hardly ever get sick, and I don't think I have any life threatening illnesses.
However, I'm slightly OCD and anxious.  I've had a few panic attacks, heart palpitations and add that into my new mood swings, and constant crying...I knew something was up.  I just hate admitting things like that.  I always want to be in complete control of myself, I don't want any help, much less any medication.
They had me fill out a form about my "feelings."  Like, "I feel this often," or, "I never feel this" and while looking at it I busted into tears - a complete fit really.  It was totally fucking embarrassing.
So you're looking at a newly diagnosed depressed young woman.  It's awesome.  However, I've been on medicine and I feel so much better.  I've only cried twice!  And once was because of a movie! haha.  We'll see how things go when school starts back up and I pile more things onto my plate.  With 18 credit hours, a part time job, and a boyfriend I just hope I can juggle as well as become a magician.  Turning chainsaws into doves can't be that hard, right?  Maybe I'll up my dose...
(kidding, haha)



Besides that I have SO MUCH to catch up on.  I signed for an apartment recently, my family gave my boyfriend 600 dollars, my new years resolutions, my (very decent if I must say) grades, and my recent Christmas adventures in North Carolina.  I'll probably have new years stuff too.  Man, I'm behind.
I'll at least post a few pictures on here to I don't feel so lame, haha.

The Addiction is Real

On a happier and more rewarding (see what I did there?) note, I thought I'd share some of my next tattoo ideas with you.  The first one I'm getting for my friend that passed away a few months ago, Rachel.  My friend Brittany and I are getting it together, although I think her font will be different.
I'm going to get it on my left side, the bird kind of flying away from me, and the words wrapping around my boob.  I'm getting the words in french because English is boring (not really), and because she was going to take French this upcoming semester.  We talked about traveling there together, and I just thought it was fitting.

I only want the bird on the bottom.

This means, "I miss you" in French

Celtic moon & Hindu sun

This I drew up, and it represents a personal yin and yang to me.  Not that I wanted to, but that's why I couldn't just use any generic sun and moon art.  It kind of represents the religious struggle I face every day, and I've always felt that I had two sides.  The heavy side that wants to work and succeed and the free side that wants to run barefoot around the world and not give a damn about any consequences.

107 Post-it Notes To My Future Shrink

I have a really weird (and by weird I mean bad) personality trait where I punish myself.  And not in a sexy submissive vs. dominance covered in latex kind of way.
I don't do anything crazy or too out of hand, like cut myself or consider suicide; the things I do aren't usually permanent.  The number one thing I'll do is refuse to eat.  For me this is a big deal because there have been a handful of times where I'll have an anxiety attack, sometimes leading to a panic attack, because I don't eat.  So when I punish myself by not eating, I do it with the full knowledge that it will only create a bigger brouhaha in my life (which is probably why it's such good punishment).
I'll also punish myself by refusing to join things that I know I will enjoy.  My family is going out to the mall and movies, two things I love.  Punishment - sit alone in the house and think about the fun they're having that I'm not...and also probably no dinner - you'd think I'd be skinnier.  I've also done this while shopping with my mom before.  I couldn't get one more shirt so I made her put them all back, because if I couldn't get that extra one, then I didn't want (or deserve) any of them.
Thankfully I'm over the shopping problem (considering I buy my own clothes now & I'll take what I can get),
but this personal punishment has a tendency to take control over more than just my life when it affects others.  And I find it hard to explain because the idea that I punish myself is just so fucking weird.

Why do I punish myself?
Well, why does WVU make it's furniture such an ugly shade of green?  Why do I only look good in Aviators?  Why do iPhone users feel so smug & superior with iOS 7?


 I don't really know for sure.  I should probably see some sort of therapist and have long, boring talks about my childhood.  But ain't no body got time for that!  Also, blogging is cheaper.

I do know I have the most tendency to do it when I feel inadequate with something, something I don't feel like I can control.  When I'm depressed or pitying myself, I feel like I deserve to be punished, because I'm a perfectly (arguably) healthy human being with friends, family, and endless love & support.

A prime example happened in my life last night
My boyfriend (bet you didn't think this was a boyfriend post - FOOLED YOU!) has been having a rough time at work, and just in life in general, and one thing that has really been bothering him was that he felt he was carrying our relationship.  All he asked me to do was to start texting and calling him first instead of the other way around.  That shouldn't be a big deal, and technically it's not.
But what it said to me was that I'm a terrible girlfriend who doesn't deserve anything because I don't put in any effort and I'm unlovable and a total waste of space, my boyfriend deserves someone better who can offer him more, and on and on and on.  That monologue went though my head for 3 hours before punishment came into play.
Around midnight I texted him and said the following:
"I don't know how to be a girlfriend, much less a "good" girlfriend.  3 months in people always seem to figure that out.  At this point I feel like I cause you more irritation and confusion than happiness and even I know that's not how relationships should be...With all of this going on, if you think it's a good idea to take a break this weekend & not see me I understand. You drive here every weekend & it's not fair to ask for so much when I don't give anything in return."

Punishment: not being allowed to do something I actually would like very much.  You can't even imagine the texts and the almost breaking up (which could still happen) that I started after that.  When I get this way I feel like there is a giant black vortex in my chest and it's sucking all of the good out of me.  I don't even know how to explain to him that he didn't do anything, this is something I do to myself.  And he (nor anyone else probably) wants to read this long ass essay that I've just written on it.
I don't know if I can life my life this way, what if I decide to have kids one day or something?

Hitchhikers Thumb

Sometimes when I tell people I want to travel, what I really mean is "run away."

Being Shiny, The World's Most Troubled Trophy Girlfiend

September has been a busy month.  I don't know what exactly I've been busy with, but it's been taking up all of my time.
It's probably been busy because of the boyyyyyyfriendddddd.  I'm pretty much just amazed that we're still together.  That he still likes me and doesn't think I'm a total wacko is magic-carpet-ride level amazing.  Having him as a boyfriend has been kind of like living in a movie.  Of course he has his flaws, but 90% of the time he literally treats me like a long-lost princess, and I couldn't be more grateful.
But I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Like, he's going to realize that I'm too demanding and totally not worth it, at any second.  When will I stop being the shiny new trophy?

Not only that, but his short, itty-bitty list of flaws is slowly diminishing as he decides to make life changes for me.  BE AWARE:  I did not ask for any of these changes, they are his own personal goals that I just happen to support.  Just wanted to clear that up before I got some major judgement from the peanut gallery.
Baby list of flaws:
A smoker,
Stoner (like the wake and bake, eat and bake, work and bake, drive and bake, bake and bake kind),
Living with a friend's family,
Unreliable car,
Low-level job (by this I mean that he can't really get much higher in the management than he already is, and it's not his dream job.  Not that he knows what his dream job is, haha),
Low self esteem

He's cut back on smoking (at least when I'm around, which is good enough for me since he's Mr. Two-Packs-A-Day), he's quitting pot for a while, and he's saving up for a car and his own place (probably with all that pot money he now has leftover).  He's also considering technical school.
I could list my flaws for years and years and years.  Basically infinity plus one.  And this guy still thinks I'm too hot to roam around college because I'll get hit on.  More like hit by...a giant truck.

To be honest, when we first got together, I was mostly just infatuated with how much he liked me.  It was a rush to be admired so much, and then to be treated so well, as if it were a natural everyday thing.  But now I"m in love with how willing he is to change and be there for me.  Like he's not just going to be the pillars on my porch, he's also going to be the walls in my house.  And possibly the roof.
How do I repay that?  How do I accept that?
What would I do if that went away?

Shit, even when things in life work out the good has consequences.  What's with that?

Irony and I

My last post was about how I apply the five stages of grief to my love life, it was very self involved - like most of the things I talk about.

Last Sunday, the 21st, my roommate/best friend passed away in a car accident.  I went to her funeral yesterday, spoke, and made her memory boards.

I'm okay now, but I don't quite know what to say about it.  It's something that has affected all of my friends, and that will continue to affect us.  I wish I'd done and said things differently, I re-thought some of my actions.  I now have to deal with actual grief.
Sometimes it hasn't hit me, and then something small, like getting ready for my friends birthday party, will make me think of her.  She'll never get ready for a party with me again, something we did about 100 times last school year.

I'm not in the mood to be sappy and drawn out, in fact this has left me very short tempered and dissatisfied about regular things in my life.  I just felt like I owe her, and myself, some perspective on life.  There are real things to grieve over.

Rachel and I, during a night out.

The Five Stages of Grief & How I Handle Love

If I had a whole list of things about the reasons I'm a fucked up person, "love makes me sad" would probably be number 7 or 8.  And "Being Naggy" would be 13, but that's a different story.

When it comes to love in real life, I basically go through the five stages of grieving.

1) Denial.  I don't love this guy, I haven't been with him long enough to love him.  I still think other guys are cute sometimes.  What is love anyway?  Maybe I love him, but I'm not in love with him, there's a difference right?

2) Anger.  How dare I love someone?  It's not like this is going to amount to anything!  How dare he be so nice that I fall in love?  This is stupid!  I'm stupid!  

3) Bargaining.  Maybe if distance myself from him I won't love him anymore.  I won't text back as fast, we won't hang out as often, I won't wear the bracelet he got me and I won't love him this much and it'll all be fine.  Maybe by doing all of these things he'll think I'm crazy and distance himself from me!  Then I really won't love him this much, genius!

4) Depression.  If I tell him I love him things will be too serious, and then they won't work out.  He's going to break my heart, and worse, I deserve it for being such a dumbass and falling for him.  I don't deserve love, there's no way he'll love me back, this is going to end badly. [insert countless versions of a break up scene.]

5) Acceptance.  I've been told it's nice at this stage, I wouldn't know. [insert more of stage 4 depression.]

Since I was 15 I've always thought I was too weird, too ugly, and too overlooked to ever make someone happy.  For the past 5 years that line of thought has proven to be true.  It's what I've told myself after every breakup or version of "heartbreak" that I've come across in my life.  When someone leaves me, it's always because I'm lacking in some way.  I've talked about this a lot in my blog, I know I have, and hopefully I'm not beating people over the head with it.  It's just such a destructive line of thought and I know that it affects me in every relationship I have.

In my current relationship my boyfriend puts in effort to better himself for me (haircut, cutting back a bit on cigarettes, etc), he gets jealous of other guys, and laughs at my jokes.  He'll even stay up for over 24 hours to spend time with me (he works night shift, makes for weird hangout and sleeping hours). He tells me I'm beautiful every day, he says how lucky he is to have me every chance he gets, and I literally catch him gazing at me.

When he does or says these things, I get very quiet and reserved and he always asks me what's wrong.  I don't know how to tell him that I'm scared sick of how breaking up or him not putting in as much effort will affect me.  That I don't feel like I deserve these things.  I'm not good enough for this.  I feel like a fraud, accepting gifts that belong to some other girl.  Some other girl that he will eventually find and leave me for.  I really don't know how to say it without sounding pathetic or ungrateful or without making him mad at how much I dislike myself.  I mean, if I don't like "me," how can anyone else?

The Best Bullshitter On This Side Of The East Coast

Well, I promised a boyfriend story, but now gentle viewers I think I have to break that promise.  When I first started seeing *Rick I was in a state of disbelief and confusion.  How had this situation come about?  What was I going to do about it?  Will this panic go away?
Well the panic has faded and a love haze has once again clouded my eyes.  Fuck doesn't even cover the "oh shit" feeling I have about that.

So I don't even want to talk about how it all came out.  I mean, long story short I met him at a bonfire, he was interested in me (I didn't think much of it), he perused me for a few weeks, we kissed, I stopped being a bitch.
Now he does things like dive an hour out of his way to come and see me, he won't let me pay for anything, and the sex is fantastic, and let's be honest, I deserved some great sex after the great fiasco of the Oreo Ice Pack.  He says things like, "you know you're a 10 dating a 6, right?" and he never stops complimenting me.
I legitimately don't know what to do with shit like that.  Ignore me, I'm up for the challenge.  Be mean to me, I can take it.  But be nice to me?  I just give him confused looks all the time.  The ability to graciously accept compliments isn't something I know how to do.  In fact, any suggestions will damn well be welcome.

Now I can't tell if I'm dating the best bullshitter on this side of the East Coast, or if this guy is genuine and safe to believe.  I had no idea my faith in men had fallen so far off the radar, yet here I am, blithely nodding my head to whatever he says while saying "bullshitbullshitbullshit" in my head.  I don't have time to fall down the rabbit hole this time, I need to keep my head on.
Then I have the part that says if this guy is being real right now, I'm missing out on some really great memories and kind words.  Who knows when I'll find someone who treats me like this again?

This is just what my head has been spending all of it's free time thinking about, thought I would share it with the world.  I'm sure more exciting things have happened, but you know me.  A guy walks into my life and I drop everything else like it's about to infect me with Ebola.  Good times.

A picture of our cuteness because a sick part of me just can't resist.

Slut Talk

I'd like to address the issue of sluts.  I'm a "young woman" (19) and from the time I was in 7th grade to now, that word has gotten thrown a lot.  Sometimes it gets applied to someone who is not a slut, they just make other girls jealous.  And it is almost always applied to girls.  Never a guy.
So one of my questions is why do girls feel the need to judge other girls so harshly?  Why are we so competitive?  We feel the need to break other girls down by their actions or "wrong doing," but why?  There is ALWAYS going to be someone prettier than you, more fashionable, more everything.  Just accept that now and find some peace in it.
I also feel like everyone has a different definition of "slut," and that is another aspect of the frequent misuse of this word.  What's slutty to one person, might not be slutty to another.  To the Amish, shorts on girls (no matter the length) are probably thought of as whatever the Amish word for slut is.  Most american girls obviously don't feel that way.  Some girls embrace the word, on twitter they hashtag #teamslut and will openly admit it to anyone.  Yet this doesn't take away the fact that when called that in a fight or behind their back, it's hurtful and it usually pisses them off.
I honestly can't give my definition of a slut.  I guess it would be something like: a girl who openly degrades herself in public or elsewhere with a guy (ex: sex in public, not wearing pants, flashing people on purpose--not for beads).  But even that definition is more "slutty" than "slut."  I feel that one night you might drunkenly make a fool out of yourself, but that doesn't brand you a slut for life.  Does being a stripper make you a slut for life?  I don't feel that it does.
Would you call someone svelte?  No, because you don't know what it means (or probably how to say it), so WHY are we using the world slut?
So lets all put the word slut in our back pocket and use it sparingly or save it for jokes, instead of serious name calling.  At least until we have all agreed on a true meaning to the word.
Thank you.

The Rules of Existing

I'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you and you don't even care that I exist   I tried to be friends with benefits, I tried to be just friends, and now these dreams that I have of us...  They tell me that I still see you in my future.  I want so badly to hang on to you, because when you love someone you never want to give them up, but I've degraded myself for you so much already.
You don't even know and if you did you wouldn't care.  It hurts, it's so fucking painful and it makes me feel so lonely.  I feel like if I can't make you love me back, how can I ever expect to get it from someone else?
I would be anything you wanted me to be.  Older, younger, wilder, smarter.  I'd do anything for you and we don't even talk more than once a week anymore.
I need to keep contact with you, but I can't detach myself.  I thought I was okay, I didn't think being "just friends" would bother me.  You've made me your booty call, and part of me thinks that's fine!
I just don't want to be alone anymore, and I feel like you're the one person who should make that better, not worse.

Dirty socks and other laundry I'd like to air

So I'm about to talk about something really personal, awkward, and embarrassing.  Even more than usual.
But first, I'd like to build it up and chat a little bit about some of the unconventional things my first semester of college has taught me:
1) Roommates aren't meant to share everything.
I'm very good friends with my roommate, we even chose to room together.  We party together, share food, and talk to each other about mostly everything.  However, I made the mistake of not putting my foot down about a guy I liked, and she ended up sleeping with him.  That kind of sharing isn't okay.  Share the fact he's off limits, don't share his dick.
2) You're going to have a shit ton of exams.
Study for one at a time. You will kill yourself trying to study a week ahead of time, keep up with the class, but don't spend every night making flash cards.
3) Laundry is expensive!
I spend about $20 on laundry every month and yet I just can't seem to get my socks as clean as my mom did...
4) Put a damn condom on.  Please!
Everyone tells you this, basically from the time you learn about sex.  You nod your head, swear you'll never go without, and then end up doing it anyways.  In fact, even as I write this I know that whoever is reading this will, at some point, decide against a condom.  You really won't realize how important they are until you have a pregnancy or STI scare.  Hopefully it'll just be a scare and not too late.

And that brings me to number five.  Oh, number five...you shitty little asshat.
A little over a week ago I went to a frat date night as a favor for my friend.  Since most of the pledges and dates weren't 21 we pregamed before going to a club, which was fun.  After a while my friend and I ditched our dates and began to really have a good time.
A screwdriver, shot, and 1/2 pitcher of beer later, I'm open minded enough to dance with just about anyone.  When one of my lovely dance partners kisses me on the lips I don't think much of it, except for the fact that I wasn't into him enough for anything but dancing.  I didn't pay much attention then, but I should have taken a good look at the giant cold sore on his freaking lip.
Herpes.
I realized yesterday that I'd been exposed and I was at the doctors less than 24 hours later, and that's where I got my (possibly) most important lesson.
Yeah, herpes is a shitty thing to have, but it's not that big of a deal.  Apparently 1 in 6 people have it, although most don't break out.  The doctor told me that I hadn't broken out yet, so I wouldn't, but that it was unnecessary to do a test because I most likely had been exposed to it at one point or another.  I paid $15 so a doctor could tell me that basically "[I've] probably got this, but so does everyone else."

Needless to say, kissing strangers has officially been taken off of my to-do list and I'll be paying a lot more attention to cold sores, drunk or not.
Learn from me.

Complaints and Grievances/Happy, Hopeful, Happy

Last year I wrote about how anti-resolutions I am, and I decided that the only thing I wanted for 2011 was just to love myself and all of the fucked up/great decisions I would make.
And make them I did.
It wasn't a tough year, or a bad one. It was just really, really, fast. I feel like a lot of things happened, and nothing happened at the same time. I learned a lot in 2011, and sometimes I consider what I would do if I had the opportunity to not sorta-kinda-have-maybe-sex with a douche or stop being so teenage-loudmouth-bitchy to my mom, but then I remember that I wouldn't change a thing. It doesn't mean I won't repeat the same mistakes this year (ohlordIhopenot), but now they'll have a "Oh, wait! I've been here once before, and there is, I REPEAT, there IS light at the end of the tunnel!" feel to them.

This year I'll be going to college at WVU and no doubt be learning things inside and outside of the classroom. I'll make a whole new group of friends, and maybe loose some of the few I have now. Maybe I can avoid falling hopelessly in love for another year, but nontheless manage to get fucked over by someone tall, dark, and handsome.
I'll be spending my very last days in high school and end up quitting my very first job (I won't be able to keep it once I move to college). It'll no doubt be a very wild and emotional ride that I can't wait for. Well, actually it can take its time. I'm nervous.

To end this lovely post I'd like to list just a few of my accomplishments/useful things I've learned this year:
-Got accepted into three colleges
-Got my license and a car (I named her Lucy, she's a 1994 Chrysler Concorde and I love her).
-Got my first job! (Waitress).
-Found a really sweet guy.
-Found out really sweet guys can still be assholes when they're told "no."
-Kissed a long time friend, realized everyone was right in keeping us apart.
-Started hard-core saving for a trip to Europe.
-Made the grown-up decision of not going to my Dream College because I would be in debt until I was 65.
-Tried weed for the very first time.
-Learned not to nascar-pass schoolbuses in the pouring rain.
-Discovered the glory of Tumblr.
-Made the conscious decision to not have any males in my life at the moment (well, besides my daddy-o).
-Turned 18 and still haven't bought a lottery ticket or gone to a club. (*note added 3/12/12, I went to the strip club with a few friends, it wasn't all that. Interesting experience however..)
-Accepted life on life's terms. Things aren't always fair, but it doesn't matter, the world will always soldier on; I should follow it's example and maybe set one of my own.