I have a really weird (and by weird I mean bad) personality trait where I punish myself. And not in a sexy submissive vs. dominance covered in latex kind of way.
I don't do anything crazy or too out of hand, like cut myself or consider suicide; the things I do aren't usually permanent. The number one thing I'll do is refuse to eat. For me this is a big deal because there have been a handful of times where I'll have an anxiety attack, sometimes leading to a panic attack, because I don't eat. So when I punish myself by not eating, I do it with the full knowledge that it will only create a bigger brouhaha in my life (which is probably why it's such good punishment).
I'll also punish myself by refusing to join things that I know I will enjoy. My family is going out to the mall and movies, two things I love. Punishment - sit alone in the house and think about the fun they're having that I'm not...and also probably no dinner - you'd think I'd be skinnier. I've also done this while shopping with my mom before. I couldn't get one more shirt so I made her put them all back, because if I couldn't get that extra one, then I didn't want (or deserve) any of them.
Thankfully I'm over the shopping problem (considering I buy my own clothes now & I'll take what I can get),
but this personal punishment has a tendency to take control over more than just my life when it affects others. And I find it hard to explain because the idea that I punish myself is just so fucking weird.
Why do I punish myself?
Well, why does WVU make it's furniture such an ugly shade of green? Why do I only look good in Aviators? Why do iPhone users feel so smug & superior with iOS 7?
I don't really know for sure. I should probably see some sort of therapist and have long, boring talks about my childhood. But ain't no body got time for that! Also, blogging is cheaper.
I do know I have the most tendency to do it when I feel inadequate with something, something I don't feel like I can control. When I'm depressed or pitying myself, I feel like I deserve to be punished, because I'm a perfectly (arguably) healthy human being with friends, family, and endless love & support.
A prime example happened in my life last night
My boyfriend (bet you didn't think this was a boyfriend post - FOOLED YOU!) has been having a rough time at work, and just in life in general, and one thing that has really been bothering him was that he felt he was carrying our relationship. All he asked me to do was to start texting and calling him first instead of the other way around. That shouldn't be a big deal, and technically it's not.
But what it said to me was that I'm a terrible girlfriend who doesn't deserve anything because I don't put in any effort and I'm unlovable and a total waste of space, my boyfriend deserves someone better who can offer him more, and on and on and on. That monologue went though my head for 3 hours before punishment came into play.
Around midnight I texted him and said the following:
"I don't know how to be a girlfriend, much less a "good" girlfriend. 3 months in people always seem to figure that out. At this point I feel like I cause you more irritation and confusion than happiness and even I know that's not how relationships should be...With all of this going on, if you think it's a good idea to take a break this weekend & not see me I understand. You drive here every weekend & it's not fair to ask for so much when I don't give anything in return."
Punishment: not being allowed to do something I actually would like very much. You can't even imagine the texts and the almost breaking up (which could still happen) that I started after that. When I get this way I feel like there is a giant black vortex in my chest and it's sucking all of the good out of me. I don't even know how to explain to him that he didn't do anything, this is something I do to myself. And he (nor anyone else probably) wants to read this long ass essay that I've just written on it.
I don't know if I can life my life this way, what if I decide to have kids one day or something?
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