Where I'm Going vs. Where I've Been

So I was browsing through my blog and I came across one of my pity party "woe is me" posts about the last guy I was with.  I'm sure my blog is filled with them, but this is just the first one I laid eyes on.
I emphasized a lot about how I was immature and how I wasn't done exploring new things.  The only thing I rested on his shoulders was that he didn't put in enough effort.

I'm with a guy now, who blows that last one out of the water.  It's a testament to how I've been treated in the past, let me tell you.  He won't let me pay for anything, ever (it's a little frustrating sometimes), he's literally become good friends with my parents, he's met my friends, he works night shift but will stay up for over 24 hours to see me, he'll drive an hour to my house just to see me for 30 minutes before he goes to work, he's willing to visit me at school as much as I want, he listens when I say "no," he texts me good morning and good night.  And the biggest thing he did that no guy has ever done for me before?  Asks me and makes sure that I get off during sex.  He takes it as a personal defeat if I don't, it's really quite cute.

That whole paragraph is full of things that he does, that no one else has ever bothered or even attempted to do.  I'm sure I'm even missing a few things!  This whole situation actually makes me angry that I've never expected more out of a guy than for him to like me.  In the past I've gotten a few dinners, a movie date here or there, but no real chivalry.  And certainly no one who gave a shit about how I felt in bed.

My Holiday Heart-to-Heart

I'm going to tell you all a secret:  I'm really bad at keeping my own secrets.  You know how sometimes you're dared by your friends to "tell them something you've never told anyone?"  I never have one of those, because I share everything about myself.  The gross stuff, the sex stuff, all the times I fall up (and down) the stairs.  I have never done something interesting & not told at least one person.

Until now.  I recently did something stupid and it's a personal dare for me to keep it to myself.  However, since I don't know anyone personally who reads my blog, I'm thinking that writing about it won't break the dare.  Also, I think that it's a really good lesson.

I'm not afraid of my mistakes, which is good since I make a lot of them.  I'll blush and be embarrassed, but I'll own up to them, because in the end they're (usually) always a good thing.  That sounds very Yoda or Gandhi, but I swear it's the truth.  So when I told someone recently that I loved them knowing they didn't feel the same way, I at first considered it a mistake.  It was awkward and sad, but it was also possibly the most amazing thing I'd done in a long time.

My love for this person wasn't the right kind.  It was heavy and depressing, and it made me feel like I had an obsession instead of a romance.  I couldn't leave this poor guy alone (or more accurately, I couldn't stop sleeping with him).  I kept thinking, "if I stick around for just a little bit longer he'll want me.  He'll see how great I am."
Yeah, that didn't happen.
What it finally took was me telling him that I loved him.  I was passing this heavy weight of love from myself to him.  He was to walk away knowing that he's looking for something I already freely gave.  And you would think him not loving me back would make me sad, but it actually makes me feel better.  I gave everything I could and it wasn't enough.  What a sad man he must be to not find happiness with one of the most amazing things a person can offer.

So that's my secret, it doesn't seem like much on the internet, but my friends would shit a baby if they knew that I even contacted this guy again, much less told him I loved him.

So here's to no regrets, I loved, I lost, and I learned a lesson.

Happy Holidays, everyone!