I read the last three things I'd posted and felt the need to punch myself in the face. The "no money no worries" was cute, a little all over the place, but funny, "girl of the summer" was my drinking game face, and "brokenhearted bitch" was just more like wining bitch.
Why does the prospect of being in a relationship or having any sort of romance turn me into a complete asshat? It's like I constantly need to make a fool out of myself or something! I don't know why I can't be like one of those cool Angelina Jolie characters who never gives a fuck and doesn't feel the need to over share any emotions. I suppose that has something to do with my genetics or the childhood trauma of growing up, but I don't know how anyone else can bear to listen to me when I can't even listen to myself.
The way I see it I have two options.
I can make flow charts and pro's and con's and write until I have carpal tunnel in my wrist to get my thoughts together and talk to this guy about where we stand and emotions and basically just a (hopefully) less wordy version of my last post.
Or I can tell him to move it or loose it and (most likely) cut my losses, get my shit together and find someone new in college.
Fucking A, I'll probably choose the first one.
This is why I never have a boyfriend. A guy seems me, he likes me, then he gets to know me and runs for the hills. I'm a fucking desperate housewife in the making.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Brokenhearted Bitches
I want you to want me. Over and over I keep hearing, "if he's not making any effort, he's not worth it." Somehow in my head that translates to, "if he's not making any effort, you're not worth it." I'm so tired of guessing and playing the dating game, that's why I wanted to hang up my fuck-me heels and start buying cats months ago. One friend told me I'm making myself too available. BUT I AM TOO AVAILABLE! Why do I have to pretend to be something I'm not?
If you like me, you'll spend time with me. You'll make the effort to talk to me and be with me while I'm in college. If me leaving doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out! But how can you decide the movie is going to suck when you haven't even seen the trailer? You told me you didn't think I'd like you, you didn't think we'd have anything to talk about, and now you don't think the college commute is going to work. Give me the the chance to prove you wrong, yet again.
You said you'd try.
But just last night I got asked out, I got asked if I'm single. I don't even know how to respond! When other guys start showering me with the compliments I never get from you, it hurts. I know they're just trying to get in my pants, it's obvious. At least I know what the fuck they're up to. You're hiding in the bushes giving me no answers, just flying by the seat of your pants, "you'll see me when you see me."
Damn it, if I'm going to try, then I'm going to go all out! I'm not going to hold back, I'm going to give you my all and I expect the same. Why pretend to try, waste my time, and waste me going out on dates with any new guys I might meet? Is that some male form of pleasure? Personally, I prefer shopping, but if you're into brokenhearted bitches I guess I get that.
I'm just tired of laying in bed, asking myself questions that only you can answer. I want to have that easy conversation with you again, I want to take all this pressure off, but I can't do it alone. I've learned from experience that liking someone and dating someone is never easy (even though I think it should be), and because of that I haven't given up on you yet. So please don't give up on me.
If you like me, you'll spend time with me. You'll make the effort to talk to me and be with me while I'm in college. If me leaving doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out! But how can you decide the movie is going to suck when you haven't even seen the trailer? You told me you didn't think I'd like you, you didn't think we'd have anything to talk about, and now you don't think the college commute is going to work. Give me the the chance to prove you wrong, yet again.
You said you'd try.
But just last night I got asked out, I got asked if I'm single. I don't even know how to respond! When other guys start showering me with the compliments I never get from you, it hurts. I know they're just trying to get in my pants, it's obvious. At least I know what the fuck they're up to. You're hiding in the bushes giving me no answers, just flying by the seat of your pants, "you'll see me when you see me."
Damn it, if I'm going to try, then I'm going to go all out! I'm not going to hold back, I'm going to give you my all and I expect the same. Why pretend to try, waste my time, and waste me going out on dates with any new guys I might meet? Is that some male form of pleasure? Personally, I prefer shopping, but if you're into brokenhearted bitches I guess I get that.
I'm just tired of laying in bed, asking myself questions that only you can answer. I want to have that easy conversation with you again, I want to take all this pressure off, but I can't do it alone. I've learned from experience that liking someone and dating someone is never easy (even though I think it should be), and because of that I haven't given up on you yet. So please don't give up on me.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Girl of The Summer
Will we talk about if we're exclusive or not? Will we talk about if we're going to keep seeing each other when I go to college? In fact, will we talk at all when we're together or will we just keep having sex and making small talk and pretending to watch movies, and then having sex?
I like you,
but I could like you more.
I guess for right now I'll just keep drinking and spilling my secrets onto the internet in a grammatical fashion. Score one for liquor and poor judgement.
Everyone tells me to trust my gut, but then I doubt my trust and trust my doubt, then I'm lost. I just want to take things as they are, but then what are they? I don't want to over-think! I just want to be.
I need to be brave, to ask, to talk. Then I wonder, shouldn't talk come easy? But I don't see you as my forever, so I shouldn't worry...right? If you're worth it you'll stay. You'll be all the right reasons. And if you're not, then you'll go. They all do eventually.
But, God, I don't want to look at you later and cry. Cry for knowing that you were a bad idea. I don't want that anymore, I hope I've learned.
How do you learn but from experience? In my short time I've experienced a lot of romantic mishaps. A lot of royal fuck ups and fucking don'ts. I've never wanted to be that girl, the easy one. I prey you don't see me that way.
But how do you see me? I'm so scared to ask. I don't want to be just another girl of the summer. Please think I'm worth it. I think of all the things I want to say to you when I'm alone, but when we're together, I'm quiet. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't want to waste time thinking about you, writing about you, not making dates because of you, if you aren't interested. If I'm an easy fuck.
How do you stop fucking and start making love? You were my first, I don't know the difference. Or is that something that comes natural? Usually the things that your'e just supposed to know, I don't. That's part of why I'm unique, why I'm funny, and interesting. I hope you see that in me. It's not that hard. I'm pretty, I promise. I wish I didn't doubt myself.
It makes me angry, and I want to take it out on you, but you're great. You don't deserve all my hurt and anger. You weren't the one who cut me up before. You didn't force me into blow jobs and self inflicted hate. I want to blame you, but I know better.
I know better.
I know better.
Do you?
I like you,
but I could like you more.
I guess for right now I'll just keep drinking and spilling my secrets onto the internet in a grammatical fashion. Score one for liquor and poor judgement.
Everyone tells me to trust my gut, but then I doubt my trust and trust my doubt, then I'm lost. I just want to take things as they are, but then what are they? I don't want to over-think! I just want to be.
I need to be brave, to ask, to talk. Then I wonder, shouldn't talk come easy? But I don't see you as my forever, so I shouldn't worry...right? If you're worth it you'll stay. You'll be all the right reasons. And if you're not, then you'll go. They all do eventually.
But, God, I don't want to look at you later and cry. Cry for knowing that you were a bad idea. I don't want that anymore, I hope I've learned.
How do you learn but from experience? In my short time I've experienced a lot of romantic mishaps. A lot of royal fuck ups and fucking don'ts. I've never wanted to be that girl, the easy one. I prey you don't see me that way.
But how do you see me? I'm so scared to ask. I don't want to be just another girl of the summer. Please think I'm worth it. I think of all the things I want to say to you when I'm alone, but when we're together, I'm quiet. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't want to waste time thinking about you, writing about you, not making dates because of you, if you aren't interested. If I'm an easy fuck.
How do you stop fucking and start making love? You were my first, I don't know the difference. Or is that something that comes natural? Usually the things that your'e just supposed to know, I don't. That's part of why I'm unique, why I'm funny, and interesting. I hope you see that in me. It's not that hard. I'm pretty, I promise. I wish I didn't doubt myself.
It makes me angry, and I want to take it out on you, but you're great. You don't deserve all my hurt and anger. You weren't the one who cut me up before. You didn't force me into blow jobs and self inflicted hate. I want to blame you, but I know better.
I know better.
I know better.
Do you?
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
No Money, No Worries, & A Cherry for Your Trouble
Well, I didn't post at all in May because I was pretty busy wearing that mortar board cap they require graduates to buy and actually wear during the ceremony. You see, graduating isn't all about listening to speeches and walking down an aisle to take your seat. No, it's about sending out announcements, planning a party, getting your grades in order, determining your last day, etc, etc.
I also didn't post in May, because believe it or not, I'm one boring broad. Taking the time to turn my mundane everyday events into witty posts is exhausting, for me to write & you to read.
However, a few things of interest have happened lately, and I feel the need to share them with the ever present cyber-space. A lovely thing with mo judgments, no pity, and most of the time no response, is just the kind of listener I need.
I found out last Wednesday that the current business I work for closed. Picture me, getting ready for work the night before, taking my shower, figuring out what to wear (pretty open dress code), setting my clock for the time I need to wake up, only to realize the next morning that it's all for naught. Not only would I not be going into work that day, but I wouldn't be going into work ever again. It's not the kind of thing you want to hear over a bowl of cheery-o's.
No notice. Worse, no pay. As in my last week of pay, about a 100 dollars, will be forever in my boss's (boss'?) pocket. Bankrupt.
Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm going bankrupt I'm well aware of it way before the day before it happens.
Since there is nothing I can do to a) get my job back, or b) get my money back, I'm going to leave it at this. It was a great first job, it got me though senior year & paid for Lucy (my car) to run all over the place, as well as get odds and ends fixed.
I made friends, and I managed to get a good reference.
The End.
Now, I wonder how much of my other new & ever-so-exciting news I should share. I've really poured my heart out on here before, and I worry that one day someone who knows me will come across this page and literally shit a brick. I'm always hesitant of new things, mostly because I don't want to shout out how cool my new toy is to the entire world, only to have it embarrassingly break three seconds later. I don't want to say "I met a boy" only to have the whole thing fade away within a week. Then I have to face my misplaced excitement and this post and decide what level of stupidity I was on before I check back in to the real world. Or something between me and him might happen, then I'll want to post on here about it, but it would feel all out of the blue due to a lack of background story. And lets be honest, when you have something awesome to share, who wants to waste time with a shitty background story??
So, I met a guy. He's different, and I like it. Different from any other guy I've ever liked, and I think better.
*Also, the lack of trouble I've given my parents in school and with grades (plus the fact I've never snuck out & don't really party), I've made up for with my choice of men. I did a number with the 23 year old ex-drug addict, but this one is a cherry on top.
That's all for now.
I also didn't post in May, because believe it or not, I'm one boring broad. Taking the time to turn my mundane everyday events into witty posts is exhausting, for me to write & you to read.
However, a few things of interest have happened lately, and I feel the need to share them with the ever present cyber-space. A lovely thing with mo judgments, no pity, and most of the time no response, is just the kind of listener I need.
I found out last Wednesday that the current business I work for closed. Picture me, getting ready for work the night before, taking my shower, figuring out what to wear (pretty open dress code), setting my clock for the time I need to wake up, only to realize the next morning that it's all for naught. Not only would I not be going into work that day, but I wouldn't be going into work ever again. It's not the kind of thing you want to hear over a bowl of cheery-o's.
No notice. Worse, no pay. As in my last week of pay, about a 100 dollars, will be forever in my boss's (boss'?) pocket. Bankrupt.
Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm going bankrupt I'm well aware of it way before the day before it happens.
Since there is nothing I can do to a) get my job back, or b) get my money back, I'm going to leave it at this. It was a great first job, it got me though senior year & paid for Lucy (my car) to run all over the place, as well as get odds and ends fixed.
I made friends, and I managed to get a good reference.
The End.
Now, I wonder how much of my other new & ever-so-exciting news I should share. I've really poured my heart out on here before, and I worry that one day someone who knows me will come across this page and literally shit a brick. I'm always hesitant of new things, mostly because I don't want to shout out how cool my new toy is to the entire world, only to have it embarrassingly break three seconds later. I don't want to say "I met a boy" only to have the whole thing fade away within a week. Then I have to face my misplaced excitement and this post and decide what level of stupidity I was on before I check back in to the real world. Or something between me and him might happen, then I'll want to post on here about it, but it would feel all out of the blue due to a lack of background story. And lets be honest, when you have something awesome to share, who wants to waste time with a shitty background story??
So, I met a guy. He's different, and I like it. Different from any other guy I've ever liked, and I think better.
*Also, the lack of trouble I've given my parents in school and with grades (plus the fact I've never snuck out & don't really party), I've made up for with my choice of men. I did a number with the 23 year old ex-drug addict, but this one is a cherry on top.
That's all for now.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Bossman
My boss is pretty abrasive at times, and the other day he made this statement that I just have to share. It was to heartless and priceless at the same time. Keep in mind that my boss has two young kids of his own.
"If my kid was ugly, I'd tell it! Like sorry, you look like ass...Get back in the house. Trust me, ugly people know they're ugly."
He's an odd duck, isn't he? I guess some people appreciate that kind of thing? lol
"If my kid was ugly, I'd tell it! Like sorry, you look like ass...Get back in the house. Trust me, ugly people know they're ugly."
He's an odd duck, isn't he? I guess some people appreciate that kind of thing? lol
Good Days and Bad Habits
I was recently laying in bed, lounging around, when this chilling thought occurred to me. When I graduate and head off to college, my life is literally going to drastically change. I'll have classes and actual homework (my current schooling doesn't provide this-I'd be more ecstatic if I thought a lack of education would give me an upper hand...which it obviously doesn't) and I'll have to clean up my own messes and force myself to do things. From this point on it's a non-stop train into adulthood and I'm honestly trying not to dig my heels into the ground.
It's not that I don't think I'll do well, I do. It's just that I see my next few years as a montage of school work, side job, a real job, a real boyfriend, (maybe some heartbreak or bad events), church, upstanding citizen shit, settling down in one place, and fucking growing up. It's scary!
I'm sure it's not all I'm making it out to be, and there will still be days where I lay in bed all day and do nothing more than have a hot date with my labtop. I'll make lots of bad food until I figure out how to cook like a proper human (I feel like a class should be involved), talk to myself in the mirror (occasionally interviewed by Oprah), and take shit from my parents because they love me unconditionally.
I just feel like free time is running short and I need to make up for my impending adulthood by being irrevocably lazy.
I'm undoubtedly my own worse enemy.
confession for the day:
I'm currently reading 7 books right now. I get part way though & then change it up. It's a pretty bad habit.
It's not that I don't think I'll do well, I do. It's just that I see my next few years as a montage of school work, side job, a real job, a real boyfriend, (maybe some heartbreak or bad events), church, upstanding citizen shit, settling down in one place, and fucking growing up. It's scary!
I'm sure it's not all I'm making it out to be, and there will still be days where I lay in bed all day and do nothing more than have a hot date with my labtop. I'll make lots of bad food until I figure out how to cook like a proper human (I feel like a class should be involved), talk to myself in the mirror (occasionally interviewed by Oprah), and take shit from my parents because they love me unconditionally.
I just feel like free time is running short and I need to make up for my impending adulthood by being irrevocably lazy.
I'm undoubtedly my own worse enemy.
confession for the day:
I'm currently reading 7 books right now. I get part way though & then change it up. It's a pretty bad habit.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
At least I don't trace, right?
These are just a few pieces of art I've done that I wanted to share because it makes me feel cool. The first one is a drawing that I uploaded to my computer and accidentally painted black (which, obviously, made it 100x better), the second one is a painting I'm going to do soon, and the third is a painting I did just the other day.
I wish I could claim these for sure, but I have to admit that none of these came out of my head, the internet inspired them. But hey, they're still admirable ;)
Sunday driving on Tuesday
I drive like an asshole. It's not on purpose (at least most of the time), it just comes naturally.
I think it also comes from a general lack of knowledge on "how" to drive. I'm the one that's like "Is it legal to turn here? Well, I've got to go somewhere..." andddd I'm turning.
I go at least 5 miles above the speed limit, and for God's sake don't break going DOWN the damn mountain, you need that momentum to get up the next one!
I try to be considerate, but I've got to be honest, it just doesn't happen. Usually when I'm in my car, it's because I need to go somewhere, and FAST as I'm usually about five minutes late. So yeah, I drive like an asshole when people are out taking their Sunday drives on a Tuesday before I go to work.
I can proudly say that I've only flicked someone off once and it was because I was trying to pass them (in a passing lane, I'm not THAT bad you know), and they took it upon themselves to occupy both of the stinking lanes!! I was beside myself at such idiocracy.
I also can't help but blame a little, tiny, itty bitty, part of this mentality on my parents.
Oh, the beauty of it.
I think it also comes from a general lack of knowledge on "how" to drive. I'm the one that's like "Is it legal to turn here? Well, I've got to go somewhere..." andddd I'm turning.
I go at least 5 miles above the speed limit, and for God's sake don't break going DOWN the damn mountain, you need that momentum to get up the next one!
I try to be considerate, but I've got to be honest, it just doesn't happen. Usually when I'm in my car, it's because I need to go somewhere, and FAST as I'm usually about five minutes late. So yeah, I drive like an asshole when people are out taking their Sunday drives on a Tuesday before I go to work.
I can proudly say that I've only flicked someone off once and it was because I was trying to pass them (in a passing lane, I'm not THAT bad you know), and they took it upon themselves to occupy both of the stinking lanes!! I was beside myself at such idiocracy.
I also can't help but blame a little, tiny, itty bitty, part of this mentality on my parents.
Me: Dad! Why aren't you using your blinker??
Dad: Fuckers behind me don't need to know what I'm doing!
Oh, the beauty of it.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Life in the tip jar
I've been struggling with this very common writers block called "laziness." It effects my ability to string together anything coherent enough to write. For your information, yes, it's still in effect, so you'll just have to muddle through this with me:) Also, I just finished watching a Harry Potter movie so as I'm typing it's in a British accent, I do believe that will not help things along quite nicely at all.
I'd like to start by saying that I hate the last few posts I put up, they're all me being whiny bitch crazy girl. I've made the conscious decision to not have any guys in my life for a while as it's apparent they make me bat shit insane. The fact that I don't know what I want proves that I really shouldn't be wanting anything at all. Of course, that doesn't mean that sometimes late at night I don't feel the need for a nice, tall, handsome stranger to come and sweep me off my hopeless size 8 feet
That, however, will not happen unless I'm literally dreaming.
Or if I've been sucked into an alternate universe.
Or if I get a genie in a bottle (but not Christina Aguilera, someone less pretty).
ANYWAYS
the point that I'm really going to hit on for this post is my job as a waitress. I know I talk about it a lot and my friends probably hate me for it, but it does take up a pretty big presence in my life. Sometimes it's truly great, I get to laugh with my "co-workers" and meet some really wacky people, and then sometimes I get bitched at by my boss just because he's cranky, and occasionally people make high demands and then leave a shitty tip.
I don't make much, but I'd say I've gotten a lot of experience. I'm ashamed to say I didn't know how to make tea before I started working. I didn't know that you couldn't mix old ketchup with new ketchup (whoops). I didn't know that when you get your straw paper all over the damn place some poor girl has to pick it up because it's the herpes of trash. It seems to never go away.
I never thought about how when you pick up two people's drinks you better be damn sure whose drink is whose when you bring them back. I never wondered who had to meticulously make those little dressing cups that you so easily pour over your salads.
Yeah, I'm only making 3 something an hour, and I do a lot of work. So when you make me bring your obnoxious child three different drinks until one suits, or you ask a million questions I have to pretend to have the answer to, or when I have to clean up the unbelievable mess you left behind you, a tip would be appreciated.
I know it's a pain and you feel like you're throwing hard earned money away, but I'm working hard too. Just a tip on tipping. It's polite and it will greatly improve my view upon your character.
Also, I know when you call in a pick up or a delivery order you want a time to go by, but I'm not a fucking psychic. I have about as much of a clue as you do. When you make me give you a time, I'm not lying, but I'm sure as heck guessing. I know it won't stop you from doing so, but be sure to take the time lightly because it's not a sure thing. Unlike my smile ;D
I feel the need to end this post with a few confessions since it's been a while since I've had to do any of these:
1) tomorrow is my mom's birthday and I haven't even gotten her a card (awful, I know! But it's so hard when she buys herself stuff all the time, what's left to get her???)
2) I gave a guy my phone number just for shits and giggles and I'll admit to being a little hurt that I never got a response.
3) I have 44 or so school days left of my high school career
4) I killed my fourth fish the other day. He lived to be a little over a year old, but still. I'm a bad fish mommy... RIP Mr. Richards.
5) I'm procrastinating my homework by writing this post right now.
I'd like to start by saying that I hate the last few posts I put up, they're all me being whiny bitch crazy girl. I've made the conscious decision to not have any guys in my life for a while as it's apparent they make me bat shit insane. The fact that I don't know what I want proves that I really shouldn't be wanting anything at all. Of course, that doesn't mean that sometimes late at night I don't feel the need for a nice, tall, handsome stranger to come and sweep me off my hopeless size 8 feet
That, however, will not happen unless I'm literally dreaming.
Or if I've been sucked into an alternate universe.
Or if I get a genie in a bottle (but not Christina Aguilera, someone less pretty).
ANYWAYS
the point that I'm really going to hit on for this post is my job as a waitress. I know I talk about it a lot and my friends probably hate me for it, but it does take up a pretty big presence in my life. Sometimes it's truly great, I get to laugh with my "co-workers" and meet some really wacky people, and then sometimes I get bitched at by my boss just because he's cranky, and occasionally people make high demands and then leave a shitty tip.
I don't make much, but I'd say I've gotten a lot of experience. I'm ashamed to say I didn't know how to make tea before I started working. I didn't know that you couldn't mix old ketchup with new ketchup (whoops). I didn't know that when you get your straw paper all over the damn place some poor girl has to pick it up because it's the herpes of trash. It seems to never go away.
I never thought about how when you pick up two people's drinks you better be damn sure whose drink is whose when you bring them back. I never wondered who had to meticulously make those little dressing cups that you so easily pour over your salads.
Yeah, I'm only making 3 something an hour, and I do a lot of work. So when you make me bring your obnoxious child three different drinks until one suits, or you ask a million questions I have to pretend to have the answer to, or when I have to clean up the unbelievable mess you left behind you, a tip would be appreciated.
I know it's a pain and you feel like you're throwing hard earned money away, but I'm working hard too. Just a tip on tipping. It's polite and it will greatly improve my view upon your character.
Also, I know when you call in a pick up or a delivery order you want a time to go by, but I'm not a fucking psychic. I have about as much of a clue as you do. When you make me give you a time, I'm not lying, but I'm sure as heck guessing. I know it won't stop you from doing so, but be sure to take the time lightly because it's not a sure thing. Unlike my smile ;D
I feel the need to end this post with a few confessions since it's been a while since I've had to do any of these:
1) tomorrow is my mom's birthday and I haven't even gotten her a card (awful, I know! But it's so hard when she buys herself stuff all the time, what's left to get her???)
2) I gave a guy my phone number just for shits and giggles and I'll admit to being a little hurt that I never got a response.
3) I have 44 or so school days left of my high school career
4) I killed my fourth fish the other day. He lived to be a little over a year old, but still. I'm a bad fish mommy... RIP Mr. Richards.
5) I'm procrastinating my homework by writing this post right now.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Violence solves EVERYTHING.
I don't want you, but I don't want you with anyone else.
That's not fair of me,
But apparently my heart does't give a shit.
There's a sixteen year age difference between this other lady and me, I'm curious how the fuck that even makes sense.
I don't want to care. I'm making every effort not to.
But when I see shit like that and it makes me angry, I just can't help myself.
I want to punch you in the gut.
and then step on your toes.
and then grab you by the ear and toss you into a big pile of snow or mud.
And your lovely lady can say that I fucked up, but no, really it was you. You're the one that couldn't be more than friends and less than dating.
So fuck you, fucking her. It's disgusting.
I think I can still be your friend, though.
I just need to take a breather. Or hit you. Then I think I'll be okay again.
Or you two could break up and we can go back to being normal until you find a new, equally disgusting fuck-buddy.
That's not fair of me,
But apparently my heart does't give a shit.
There's a sixteen year age difference between this other lady and me, I'm curious how the fuck that even makes sense.
I don't want to care. I'm making every effort not to.
But when I see shit like that and it makes me angry, I just can't help myself.
I want to punch you in the gut.
and then step on your toes.
and then grab you by the ear and toss you into a big pile of snow or mud.
And your lovely lady can say that I fucked up, but no, really it was you. You're the one that couldn't be more than friends and less than dating.
So fuck you, fucking her. It's disgusting.
I think I can still be your friend, though.
I just need to take a breather. Or hit you. Then I think I'll be okay again.
Or you two could break up and we can go back to being normal until you find a new, equally disgusting fuck-buddy.
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