The Crowd-Pleaser

If you look back to my posts from about a year ago you'll see where I was talking about a boy who was older than me and troublesome and I really went through a lot of heartache with him. I'm what I would call an overly-nice person, and needless to say, we are still friends. Our friendship is even a little better for it all. We've both hurt each other and then forgiven each other countless times, and it's nice to be on that kind of comfort level with someone.
Or so I thought.

When my boyfriend and I broke up he opened up and said that he was insanely jealous that I'd been with someone else and it had made him realize how much he liked me. I resisted, like a good little girl.
But once you've been "getting at it" for a few months and then suddenly it's taken away from you, loneliness sets in. All kinds of loneliness.
So I let him in, and finally made the strict restriction of friends with benefits. One bad relationship for the year was enough (and let's be honest here, I'm still all hung up on my ex).
AND THE MOTHERFUCKER CRIED.
I'm trying to be a crowd-pleaser here and do something that benefits everyone, and he's crying? This is during our Christmas gift exchange too.
Just to end this little story/rant my new resolve is to suck up my lonliness because now NO ONE will get what they want. Back to simply being friends it is, I no longer wish to deal with his silly nonsense.


Obviously, everything is swell.



Confession for the day: I'm extremely vindictive, and I'll put aside what I truly want, just to teach you what I believe is a useful lesson. If you think about it, I'm like a charming, vicious Saint.

A Continuous Forward Motion

Doubtful lovers loose sheets, minds, and covers
In a rushed scuffle to the edge of the bed
Where lipstick stains never wash out
And neither does a virgin's doubt

Evenings filled with lusty wine
Make kisses sloppy, but feelings feel fine
As stolen seconds of time looses sight
Hope on dove's wings begin to take flight

And the car's breaks are broken
We're in a continuous forward motion
So move over or get open
the one door that doesn't lock

To keep it alive you either suffer or thrive
because the heat of the sun isn't for this,
It's to bathe in the sound
Of that sweet steamy hiss
Broken hearts make when they're glued back together

The name of the game isn't to prosper or take
It's to build and rebuild
what alone you can't make

And I hope it's okay
If I start off in disarray
Because with me it’s the only way
For one foot to follow the other

Did I Call YOU Pathetic? My bad...

Having a bucket of ice water thrown on you in 30 degree weather is incomparable to the feeling you get after asking your ex if they want to hang out (for the second time) only to not only get rebuffed, but to get no answer at all. Then AFTER you've written him a message on Facebook explaining how spineless and pathetic he is and how much you hate him you realize....that his number changed and he has no idea that you sent that text or left that voice mail.

I'm sorry, did I say he was pathetic? I think I meant to say she, as in myself.

If life was a person, he would have a sick, sick, sense of humor. And it would no doubt be a him.

Ms. Itall

I miss you, even though you're mean and obnoxious. I miss the way you would kiss me and make jokes I didn't get. I miss the way you would make fun of my parking. I miss the way you would put food in the microwave and call it cooking (and believe it). I miss your smile, I miss your texts, and I miss not watching movies with you. I miss making you hold my hand while you drove and picking on you about littering.

But mostly I miss the way you used to put up with my crazy ass.

I'm not the easiest to deal with all the time, but I'm worth it.
And in the end, you're the one missing out.
but I do still miss you....

If I have a question, you have a problem.

When a boy ends a relationship with a girl, the girl wants to know why, and she wants to know more than why. How could he do that? Why did she deserve it? What did she do? How can she fix it? Why wont you talk to her? Why are you acting like a jerk? What else could she have given you? Did you cheat? Are you lying?

But the truth of the matter is, what are we going to do with this information once we get it? Asking these questions is really just a way of dragging out the inevitable post-break up silence. We hope that if we force our presence upon these guys that they will see what they're missing.
But deep down we know that we're really just being a hot mess and that he does not want any of this.

I can openly admit that while I'm writing this I'm thinking of some way to text my now "ex" boyfriend and pester him into telling me why he broke up with me even though I don't know why I should even bother. I know it's pointless. I know I won't like the answer he gives me, no matter what that answer is.

Admittably, every situation is different. For example, in my case he didn't cheat on me (that I know about), but he didn't nicely break up with me either. The whole adventure has been him being mean to me for no reason. I've yet to understand why (and that, of course, is one of my many questions).
Some girls are good at moving on and simply thinking "well, I guess he just doesn't like me anymore."
But as we established in my last post, I'm bat shit crazy.
Because I'm a very pretty, (usually) nice, funny, fun, crazy (the good kind as well), easy going, up for anything type of girl. I strongly believe that if I've given a guy everything I have then he should damn well be content. And if he's not? Well then we have a mother 'effin problem. I will not rest until I know what I've done to upset you so much that you feel the need to completely disengage in conversation with me. You don't "want to be friends" or "f*ck buddies" you completely want to cut off contact.
I'm to cool for that!

So I'm on a mission to understand this, and it will undoubtably end in me hysterically crying and drinking night time cold medicine to fall asleep.
Oh, the joys of being a female.

Sorry is just a street in Cleveland

I'm psychotic. Not doctor diagnosed, mind you, but it's still true. I say that I mean what I say, even though I really don't. I never get mad about the big things, in fact I tackle them with grace and ease. It's the little things, like not having a towel when I get out of the shower, or cutting a piece of bread for my sandwich wrong that really piss me the hell off.
And if I was a hermit all alone in the woods, this behavior really wouldn't bother me that much. I can handle being mad at myself, I do it all the time. It's the people around me that I feel sorry for. They never know what mood I'm in, I feel like a damn ticking time bomb.
And then I get upset because hey, I'm human, I'm allowed to have feelings!
But you know what else those cheesy cliche's got right?
The fear of letting people close enough to hurt you. It's over used, and possibly mentioned at least three times in every chick flick, but it's inescapable. To be honest I don't even like to let my mom know what I'm thinking about certain things.
But, see, here's where I differ.
Instead of doing that strong and silent thing that you see in movies, where you just take the hits and pretend that the person isn't running over your feelings with a Mac Truck, I do something a little more special.
I throw a fucking fit. I realized that I'm the psycho girlfriend that gets mad about everything. I empathize with those girls now! I need an outlet for my feelings before I explode and damn if isn't soooo much easier to transform that hurt into anger.

example:
No, I wasn't worried and/or hurt that you were drinking at that party and then didn't think to call me...until two days after.
I was fucking pissed that you didn't even think to talk to me, and by the way, do you need an extra day to get that defensive story strait, asshole? Must have been some damn party.

That second one? That's me. And maybe it wouldn't be so bad that I'm like that, if I didn't directly jump into it. I put people on the defensive, because I'm immediately angry. I don't care what you have to say, why you did or didn't do something. You lost your phone? Borrow someone else's. You were gonna call? Shoulda Coulda Woulda. You're sorry and want to call me baby? Hellllll no!



And since I'm a poor girl who can't afford therapy, this blog has had to suffice.

Bang, Pop

Okay, so maybe I was a little hasty with my last post. It seems I'm always learning new things, and every new thing I learn contradicts whatever I knew before.
Because things are always strange in the beginning. The first time you try anything new out you're not going to master it. Sure, things aren't storybook perfect, but occasionally it all works out.
And if it doesn't then you have a very awkward, but if you can manage it, funny moment to laugh about.
If you can't manage it maybe you're socially challenged, and you should work on that.

----

In other words, I'm officially an adult now. My happy-happy 18th was just a few days ago. For some reason I thought 18 would go off like a "bang" but mine was more of a "pop" (video below) and relatively uneventful.
It's always interesting to see what random people will write Happy Birthday to you on Facebook, however. I'll openly admit that 60% of the people I have on there, I do NOT write them happy birthdays. I suppose I should, I mean let's be honest, it's not like it takes a lot of effort. I just don't want these people to be under the impression that I have them on there for any reason other than I like to creep. I lead a drama free life (which I enjoy) but that doesn't mean I can't take pleasure in other people's issues, right? Right.

The Movies Got it Wrong

I finally remembered what I forgot to talk about last time! Sexual awkwardness. No, not sexual awareness, sexual awkwardness.
You know what I mean, that tension that exists only in the real world that everyone FAILS TO MENTION. In books or movies everything love related happens magically, even the so called "awkward" moments aren't on the money. Because, apparently, real tension is just kind of hard to catch and plan out for a camera.
I'm not ashamed to say I'm pretty inexperienced for my age, I'm by no means a prude or even ugly, I just don't seem to get much in the guy department. The ones that like me usually fall a little...er, short.
But now I'm in a new lovely little relationship in which I'm experiencing a whole new world of difficulty. If you think that simply GETTING the guy is the hard part, then please, think again.
Because for some reason the strangeness of the first kiss always gets left out in every story ever told in history.
Books and movies have covered the whole "how far should we go" section, but they have completely left out the "wow these movie seat chairs aren't half as comfortable as they look and when we hold hands like this it cuts off my circulation so I'm a little bit of a loss right now" chapter.
Allow me to mention a few more pieces of this so-called-romance puzzle they left out:

-that strange restaurant you choose is giving my stomach the rumblies
-wow, you're way taller than I am, and holding hands kinda sucks.
-wow, there is actually a wrong way to hold hands, and wouldn't you know, that's the way I do it.
-my parents aren't home...why aren't my parents home?!
-hell yes, my parents aren't home! Wait...is this a set up?
-They aren't home again? Well come on in...and....sit down..or eat. How about kissing? Just kissing? Okay then.. And damn it stop touching their knick-knacks.
-Ew, you just burped and I'm reminded of how gross guys are.
-There should be a whole entire chapter just on how to bite the damn lower-lip.
-why do I seem more into this than you? I'm the girl, shouldn't this be in reverse? Now I feel pushy, thanks.
-This movie is talking about sex. Awkward.
-This movie is talking about abortion. Awkward.
-This movie is talking about penises and/or vaginas. Awkward.
-And when I say "this movie is talking" I mean they're showing. Graphically.
-So maybe we should just not watch a movie
-bowling? skating? walking? talking? swimming? driving? shopping?
-Your arm is cutting off my airway
-I've never seen a penis in person before, don't be alarmed if I faint the first time we go there.
-Let's just never go there.
-Wait, I want to go there.
-Just not at this very minute

Obviously, it's all a little harder than it looks. I'm sure it get's easier as time get's on, and trust me I think it's worth it. I just think people should be aware that it's not just "a kiss" it's a mouth to mouth, nose to nose, I tilt one way you go the other, let's not bump teeth or make any off-putting slurping noises so that we can enjoy ourselves kind of situation. Nothing's ever easy, unfortunately this seems to fall into that category. It can be funny, it can be cute, it can be down right annoying.

Only to twenty

I like to think I'm at least slightly quick witted. I like to joke around, and sometimes I think of things that are so funny I even surprise myself. Why, then, is my memory so atrocious?
Throughout the day I think of interesting things that I would like to share my views and thoughts on, but when I come home and actually have the ability to blog about them, these things are gone. Poof.
So I'm just going to toss out some random questions that have been bouncing around in my head for a while (the ones I can remember anyways) and hope that my creative flow will stop being such a bitch.

1. What is the point of being clingy? It's not fun to experience, and it's not even all that great to watch.

2. Does spiderman have any other superpowers other than acrobatics and sticky webs?

3. How come teachers hand out assignments faster than they can grade them?

4. What's with books and movies making love look so easy? It's false advertising. Especially the sex parts.

5. Why is talking and/or singing into a turned on fan better than my ipod?

6. Who makes the red bows used to put on brand new cars?

7. Who invented scissors, and what was the first thing they cut?

8. Ever wonder is ancient Egypt smelled like cat pee?

9. When you think about it, the word "sweatshirt" is actually very nasty.

10. I'd love to see the face of the fist person who put aluminum foil or a fork in the microwave.

11. Ever think there are colors out there that we've never seen before? Let your mind think about that one for a second.

12. What five letter word is shorter when you add two letters to it?

13. We still make bonfires...didn't cave men do that?

14. Still no creative juices.

15. FLOW JUICES FLOW.

16. I knew that one sounded wrong, but I put it on here anyway.

17. Just for one day, and one day only, I want to be ghetto fabulous.

18. Hell, I'm not even asking questions anymore, am I?

19. It's no wonder no one reads or comments on my blog.

Fair Weather

I like to forgive and forget
To a point of sin
A failure of character that tends to win
All of my best judgement

I care and I quip a quick antidote
So that you never choke
On self pity and resentment
Tiring, isn't it?

Only you don't seem to know
You don't have a clue
What a convenience
When someone needs you

Forgive and forget?
That's used up bullshit
From the king of crap
And the yearly quota is full

So I take it all back
Every smile, trick, and call
You seem to have bought up all
My honest sympathys

But, whoops, I forgot
You don't give a damn
Found better friends in every "Tom, Dick, and Sam"

So take your talk to the bottle
And drink it all up
Until it all falls through
That "sturdy" paper-cup
You call your life.

And then at the end,
My fair weather friend,
you can pack up and leave,
Say you gave it your best
While puffing out your chest
Where that ego resides.

Maybe even give me a call
To say you're doing well,
I'll reply "damn boy, that's great!"
And so overrated,
Because this sob story's outdated
When you never seem to change (for the better).