I'd like to address the issue of sluts. I'm a "young woman" (19) and from the time I was in 7th grade to now, that word has gotten thrown a lot. Sometimes it gets applied to someone who is not a slut, they just make other girls jealous. And it is almost always applied to girls. Never a guy.
So one of my questions is why do girls feel the need to judge other girls so harshly? Why are we so competitive? We feel the need to break other girls down by their actions or "wrong doing," but why? There is ALWAYS going to be someone prettier than you, more fashionable, more everything. Just accept that now and find some peace in it.
I also feel like everyone has a different definition of "slut," and that is another aspect of the frequent misuse of this word. What's slutty to one person, might not be slutty to another. To the Amish, shorts on girls (no matter the length) are probably thought of as whatever the Amish word for slut is. Most american girls obviously don't feel that way. Some girls embrace the word, on twitter they hashtag #teamslut and will openly admit it to anyone. Yet this doesn't take away the fact that when called that in a fight or behind their back, it's hurtful and it usually pisses them off.
I honestly can't give my definition of a slut. I guess it would be something like: a girl who openly degrades herself in public or elsewhere with a guy (ex: sex in public, not wearing pants, flashing people on purpose--not for beads). But even that definition is more "slutty" than "slut." I feel that one night you might drunkenly make a fool out of yourself, but that doesn't brand you a slut for life. Does being a stripper make you a slut for life? I don't feel that it does.
Would you call someone svelte? No, because you don't know what it means (or probably how to say it), so WHY are we using the world slut?
So lets all put the word slut in our back pocket and use it sparingly or save it for jokes, instead of serious name calling. At least until we have all agreed on a true meaning to the word.
Thank you.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Loose Change
My love is poisonous,
Like a snake in the grass.
No one ever survives.
No one can seem to get past.
My love is wrong,
Like a word written backwards.
Erase and repeat,
I never find what I seek.
My love is a waste,
Laid wreckage from a war
No one will take it,
No one wants me anymore.
My love is loose change,
At the bottom of a cup,
Sticky and messy,
And all used up.
I never ask for love back.
No romantic woe.
That's why I loose so much;
I'm the only one to let it go.
Because my love isn't free,
It comes at a cost:
A part of my heart
For each lover lost.
It sounds dramatic,
A bit overdone.
But that's the bite of love
The price of losing someone.
My love doesn't fight,
It sits and remembers.
My love doesn't ignite,
It's just flameless embers.
Clearly I'm feeling like a big, bright ball of sunshit. It's two in the morning, I have class tomorrow, and I just want a giant cheeseburger.
I'm sorry for being so sappy, I really do have a relatively good opinion of myself. I just can't seem to get anyone to think I'm good enough to keep around and it's damn frustrating. I wish I could stop trying, but I'm one of those pushy never-give-up bitches. Let's get a round of applause for my gene pool when it comes to those traits.
Have a smashing night, and a blessed day.
Monday, October 22, 2012
The Rules of Existing
I'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you and you don't even care that I exist I tried to be friends with benefits, I tried to be just friends, and now these dreams that I have of us... They tell me that I still see you in my future. I want so badly to hang on to you, because when you love someone you never want to give them up, but I've degraded myself for you so much already.
You don't even know and if you did you wouldn't care. It hurts, it's so fucking painful and it makes me feel so lonely. I feel like if I can't make you love me back, how can I ever expect to get it from someone else?
I would be anything you wanted me to be. Older, younger, wilder, smarter. I'd do anything for you and we don't even talk more than once a week anymore.
I need to keep contact with you, but I can't detach myself. I thought I was okay, I didn't think being "just friends" would bother me. You've made me your booty call, and part of me thinks that's fine!
I just don't want to be alone anymore, and I feel like you're the one person who should make that better, not worse.
I'm in love with you and you don't even care that I exist I tried to be friends with benefits, I tried to be just friends, and now these dreams that I have of us... They tell me that I still see you in my future. I want so badly to hang on to you, because when you love someone you never want to give them up, but I've degraded myself for you so much already.
You don't even know and if you did you wouldn't care. It hurts, it's so fucking painful and it makes me feel so lonely. I feel like if I can't make you love me back, how can I ever expect to get it from someone else?
I would be anything you wanted me to be. Older, younger, wilder, smarter. I'd do anything for you and we don't even talk more than once a week anymore.
I need to keep contact with you, but I can't detach myself. I thought I was okay, I didn't think being "just friends" would bother me. You've made me your booty call, and part of me thinks that's fine!
I just don't want to be alone anymore, and I feel like you're the one person who should make that better, not worse.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Dirty socks and other laundry I'd like to air
So I'm about to talk about something really personal, awkward, and embarrassing. Even more than usual.
But first, I'd like to build it up and chat a little bit about some of the unconventional things my first semester of college has taught me:
1) Roommates aren't meant to share everything.
I'm very good friends with my roommate, we even chose to room together. We party together, share food, and talk to each other about mostly everything. However, I made the mistake of not putting my foot down about a guy I liked, and she ended up sleeping with him. That kind of sharing isn't okay. Share the fact he's off limits, don't share his dick.
2) You're going to have a shit ton of exams.
Study for one at a time. You will kill yourself trying to study a week ahead of time, keep up with the class, but don't spend every night making flash cards.
3) Laundry is expensive!
I spend about $20 on laundry every month and yet I just can't seem to get my socks as clean as my mom did...
4) Put a damn condom on. Please!
Everyone tells you this, basically from the time you learn about sex. You nod your head, swear you'll never go without, and then end up doing it anyways. In fact, even as I write this I know that whoever is reading this will, at some point, decide against a condom. You really won't realize how important they are until you have a pregnancy or STI scare. Hopefully it'll just be a scare and not too late.
And that brings me to number five. Oh, number five...you shitty little asshat.
A little over a week ago I went to a frat date night as a favor for my friend. Since most of the pledges and dates weren't 21 we pregamed before going to a club, which was fun. After a while my friend and I ditched our dates and began to really have a good time.
A screwdriver, shot, and 1/2 pitcher of beer later, I'm open minded enough to dance with just about anyone. When one of my lovely dance partners kisses me on the lips I don't think much of it, except for the fact that I wasn't into him enough for anything but dancing. I didn't pay much attention then, but I should have taken a good look at the giant cold sore on his freaking lip.
Herpes.
I realized yesterday that I'd been exposed and I was at the doctors less than 24 hours later, and that's where I got my (possibly) most important lesson.
Yeah, herpes is a shitty thing to have, but it's not that big of a deal. Apparently 1 in 6 people have it, although most don't break out. The doctor told me that I hadn't broken out yet, so I wouldn't, but that it was unnecessary to do a test because I most likely had been exposed to it at one point or another. I paid $15 so a doctor could tell me that basically "[I've] probably got this, but so does everyone else."
Needless to say, kissing strangers has officially been taken off of my to-do list and I'll be paying a lot more attention to cold sores, drunk or not.
Learn from me.
But first, I'd like to build it up and chat a little bit about some of the unconventional things my first semester of college has taught me:
1) Roommates aren't meant to share everything.
I'm very good friends with my roommate, we even chose to room together. We party together, share food, and talk to each other about mostly everything. However, I made the mistake of not putting my foot down about a guy I liked, and she ended up sleeping with him. That kind of sharing isn't okay. Share the fact he's off limits, don't share his dick.
2) You're going to have a shit ton of exams.
Study for one at a time. You will kill yourself trying to study a week ahead of time, keep up with the class, but don't spend every night making flash cards.
3) Laundry is expensive!
I spend about $20 on laundry every month and yet I just can't seem to get my socks as clean as my mom did...
4) Put a damn condom on. Please!
Everyone tells you this, basically from the time you learn about sex. You nod your head, swear you'll never go without, and then end up doing it anyways. In fact, even as I write this I know that whoever is reading this will, at some point, decide against a condom. You really won't realize how important they are until you have a pregnancy or STI scare. Hopefully it'll just be a scare and not too late.
And that brings me to number five. Oh, number five...you shitty little asshat.
A little over a week ago I went to a frat date night as a favor for my friend. Since most of the pledges and dates weren't 21 we pregamed before going to a club, which was fun. After a while my friend and I ditched our dates and began to really have a good time.
A screwdriver, shot, and 1/2 pitcher of beer later, I'm open minded enough to dance with just about anyone. When one of my lovely dance partners kisses me on the lips I don't think much of it, except for the fact that I wasn't into him enough for anything but dancing. I didn't pay much attention then, but I should have taken a good look at the giant cold sore on his freaking lip.
Herpes.
I realized yesterday that I'd been exposed and I was at the doctors less than 24 hours later, and that's where I got my (possibly) most important lesson.
Yeah, herpes is a shitty thing to have, but it's not that big of a deal. Apparently 1 in 6 people have it, although most don't break out. The doctor told me that I hadn't broken out yet, so I wouldn't, but that it was unnecessary to do a test because I most likely had been exposed to it at one point or another. I paid $15 so a doctor could tell me that basically "[I've] probably got this, but so does everyone else."
Needless to say, kissing strangers has officially been taken off of my to-do list and I'll be paying a lot more attention to cold sores, drunk or not.
Learn from me.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
A Fucking Poem
I don't want to write a fucking poem,
A lyric verse of my life woes.
Why write myself a poem,
When I know how the freaking story goes?
It's all a great big bore,
And then a great big sob,
"Nothing ever goes my way,"
I say as a sniveling slob.
I only write when I'm sad,
And occasionally when I'm pissed.
Each time it's a foolish rhyme
Dealing with how not often i get kissed.
I'd tell myself "SUCK IT UP,"
But I say that all the time
Never learned to take advice,
So that little voice should just resign.
I was feeling angsty when I wrote this, can ya tell?
A lyric verse of my life woes.
Why write myself a poem,
When I know how the freaking story goes?
It's all a great big bore,
And then a great big sob,
"Nothing ever goes my way,"
I say as a sniveling slob.
I only write when I'm sad,
And occasionally when I'm pissed.
Each time it's a foolish rhyme
Dealing with how not often i get kissed.
I'd tell myself "SUCK IT UP,"
But I say that all the time
Never learned to take advice,
So that little voice should just resign.
I was feeling angsty when I wrote this, can ya tell?
Friday, August 10, 2012
The Beginners Guide to Recognizing Destructive Behavior
I promised myself that if you didn't respond after ten (giving you a full 11 hours to come up with a definite answer & even more just to think about it) that I was done. That's it, send the ship, burn the letter, call the president, the end.
You responded at 10:04
Now do I stick to my promise, or do I give in to four damn minutes.
---
I gave in.
Typical.
You responded at 10:04
Now do I stick to my promise, or do I give in to four damn minutes.
---
I gave in.
Typical.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Calling All Cops
* Put your iTunes/Winamp/WMP on shuffle.
* Use the song title as the answer to the question.
1. How does the world see me? Echo Park by Ximena Sariana
2. Will I have a happy life? Rich Kids by New Medicine
3. What do my friends really think of me? Smack Down by Thousand Foot Krutch
(thanks guys, lol).
4. Do people secretly lust after me? Love You Much Better by The Hush Sound
(I'll take that as a YES!)
5. How can I make myself happy? Cry When You Get Older by Robyn
6. What should I do with my life? Catch Me If You Can by Gym Class Heroes
(fuck you, ipod, you'll never make me run. Especially as a profession!)
7. Will I ever have children? Birthday Cake by Rihanna
8. What is some good advice for me? I Want it That Way by Backstreet Boys
(I think the best advice is probably just to take these guys off my playlist...)
9. How will I be remembered? Feelings Show by Colbie Caillat
10. What is my signature dancing song? Fire by Ingrid Michaelson
11. What do I think my current theme song is? Lonely Won't Come Around by Crystal Bowersox
(Because it's already moved in, brought it's shit & made itself comfortable.)
12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Strong Enough by Kina Grannis
13. What song will play at my funeral? Don't Rain On My Parade by Glee Cast
14. What type of men do I like? Toxic by Britney Spears
15. What is my day tomorrow going to be like? My Vietnam by Pink
(I don't know how to take that. Fight the war or stay in my room all day?)
16. Will I ever have love again? Handle Me by Robyn
(well then.)
17. What type of sex life do I have? Love Song by Meg & Dia
18. What song would be the title of my own porno movie? Journal of Ardency by Class Actress
19. How does the person I like feel about me? Don't Want You Back (Fuck It) by Eamon
(No need to be rude about it, ipod, I think I already had a clue thankyouverymuch.)
20. What will I title this post? Calling All Cops by Motion City Soundtrack
So maybe my ipod could tell you something I couldn't today. I just remembered doing these all the time on the old beloved Myspace and decided to do a throwback ;) I've been pretty busy lately by getting ready for school and spending all the time I can with friends and family. I've been in a weird mood the past few days where anything can just push me off the edge. I just keep trying to surround myself with people who love me unconditionally and trying to forget those who don't.
I read something the other day that said 90% of the time you forgive someone simple because you want to keep them in your life. I felt it was kind of obvious but it hit a sore spot. I just need to stop caring about people who don't care about me. It's harder than it sounds.
Here's a little playlist of the songs I could find, it doesn't have all my favorites, but it's all little something :)
http://pl.st/p/23564429579
* Use the song title as the answer to the question.
1. How does the world see me? Echo Park by Ximena Sariana
2. Will I have a happy life? Rich Kids by New Medicine
3. What do my friends really think of me? Smack Down by Thousand Foot Krutch
(thanks guys, lol).
4. Do people secretly lust after me? Love You Much Better by The Hush Sound
(I'll take that as a YES!)
5. How can I make myself happy? Cry When You Get Older by Robyn
6. What should I do with my life? Catch Me If You Can by Gym Class Heroes
(fuck you, ipod, you'll never make me run. Especially as a profession!)
7. Will I ever have children? Birthday Cake by Rihanna
8. What is some good advice for me? I Want it That Way by Backstreet Boys
(I think the best advice is probably just to take these guys off my playlist...)
9. How will I be remembered? Feelings Show by Colbie Caillat
10. What is my signature dancing song? Fire by Ingrid Michaelson
11. What do I think my current theme song is? Lonely Won't Come Around by Crystal Bowersox
(Because it's already moved in, brought it's shit & made itself comfortable.)
12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Strong Enough by Kina Grannis
13. What song will play at my funeral? Don't Rain On My Parade by Glee Cast
14. What type of men do I like? Toxic by Britney Spears
15. What is my day tomorrow going to be like? My Vietnam by Pink
(I don't know how to take that. Fight the war or stay in my room all day?)
16. Will I ever have love again? Handle Me by Robyn
(well then.)
17. What type of sex life do I have? Love Song by Meg & Dia
18. What song would be the title of my own porno movie? Journal of Ardency by Class Actress
19. How does the person I like feel about me? Don't Want You Back (Fuck It) by Eamon
(No need to be rude about it, ipod, I think I already had a clue thankyouverymuch.)
20. What will I title this post? Calling All Cops by Motion City Soundtrack
So maybe my ipod could tell you something I couldn't today. I just remembered doing these all the time on the old beloved Myspace and decided to do a throwback ;) I've been pretty busy lately by getting ready for school and spending all the time I can with friends and family. I've been in a weird mood the past few days where anything can just push me off the edge. I just keep trying to surround myself with people who love me unconditionally and trying to forget those who don't.
I read something the other day that said 90% of the time you forgive someone simple because you want to keep them in your life. I felt it was kind of obvious but it hit a sore spot. I just need to stop caring about people who don't care about me. It's harder than it sounds.
Here's a little playlist of the songs I could find, it doesn't have all my favorites, but it's all little something :)
http://pl.st/p/23564429579
Monday, July 23, 2012
Oh, Dear God
I read the last three things I'd posted and felt the need to punch myself in the face. The "no money no worries" was cute, a little all over the place, but funny, "girl of the summer" was my drinking game face, and "brokenhearted bitch" was just more like wining bitch.
Why does the prospect of being in a relationship or having any sort of romance turn me into a complete asshat? It's like I constantly need to make a fool out of myself or something! I don't know why I can't be like one of those cool Angelina Jolie characters who never gives a fuck and doesn't feel the need to over share any emotions. I suppose that has something to do with my genetics or the childhood trauma of growing up, but I don't know how anyone else can bear to listen to me when I can't even listen to myself.
The way I see it I have two options.
I can make flow charts and pro's and con's and write until I have carpal tunnel in my wrist to get my thoughts together and talk to this guy about where we stand and emotions and basically just a (hopefully) less wordy version of my last post.
Or I can tell him to move it or loose it and (most likely) cut my losses, get my shit together and find someone new in college.
Fucking A, I'll probably choose the first one.
This is why I never have a boyfriend. A guy seems me, he likes me, then he gets to know me and runs for the hills. I'm a fucking desperate housewife in the making.
Why does the prospect of being in a relationship or having any sort of romance turn me into a complete asshat? It's like I constantly need to make a fool out of myself or something! I don't know why I can't be like one of those cool Angelina Jolie characters who never gives a fuck and doesn't feel the need to over share any emotions. I suppose that has something to do with my genetics or the childhood trauma of growing up, but I don't know how anyone else can bear to listen to me when I can't even listen to myself.
The way I see it I have two options.
I can make flow charts and pro's and con's and write until I have carpal tunnel in my wrist to get my thoughts together and talk to this guy about where we stand and emotions and basically just a (hopefully) less wordy version of my last post.
Or I can tell him to move it or loose it and (most likely) cut my losses, get my shit together and find someone new in college.
Fucking A, I'll probably choose the first one.
This is why I never have a boyfriend. A guy seems me, he likes me, then he gets to know me and runs for the hills. I'm a fucking desperate housewife in the making.
Brokenhearted Bitches
I want you to want me. Over and over I keep hearing, "if he's not making any effort, he's not worth it." Somehow in my head that translates to, "if he's not making any effort, you're not worth it." I'm so tired of guessing and playing the dating game, that's why I wanted to hang up my fuck-me heels and start buying cats months ago. One friend told me I'm making myself too available. BUT I AM TOO AVAILABLE! Why do I have to pretend to be something I'm not?
If you like me, you'll spend time with me. You'll make the effort to talk to me and be with me while I'm in college. If me leaving doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out! But how can you decide the movie is going to suck when you haven't even seen the trailer? You told me you didn't think I'd like you, you didn't think we'd have anything to talk about, and now you don't think the college commute is going to work. Give me the the chance to prove you wrong, yet again.
You said you'd try.
But just last night I got asked out, I got asked if I'm single. I don't even know how to respond! When other guys start showering me with the compliments I never get from you, it hurts. I know they're just trying to get in my pants, it's obvious. At least I know what the fuck they're up to. You're hiding in the bushes giving me no answers, just flying by the seat of your pants, "you'll see me when you see me."
Damn it, if I'm going to try, then I'm going to go all out! I'm not going to hold back, I'm going to give you my all and I expect the same. Why pretend to try, waste my time, and waste me going out on dates with any new guys I might meet? Is that some male form of pleasure? Personally, I prefer shopping, but if you're into brokenhearted bitches I guess I get that.
I'm just tired of laying in bed, asking myself questions that only you can answer. I want to have that easy conversation with you again, I want to take all this pressure off, but I can't do it alone. I've learned from experience that liking someone and dating someone is never easy (even though I think it should be), and because of that I haven't given up on you yet. So please don't give up on me.
If you like me, you'll spend time with me. You'll make the effort to talk to me and be with me while I'm in college. If me leaving doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out! But how can you decide the movie is going to suck when you haven't even seen the trailer? You told me you didn't think I'd like you, you didn't think we'd have anything to talk about, and now you don't think the college commute is going to work. Give me the the chance to prove you wrong, yet again.
You said you'd try.
But just last night I got asked out, I got asked if I'm single. I don't even know how to respond! When other guys start showering me with the compliments I never get from you, it hurts. I know they're just trying to get in my pants, it's obvious. At least I know what the fuck they're up to. You're hiding in the bushes giving me no answers, just flying by the seat of your pants, "you'll see me when you see me."
Damn it, if I'm going to try, then I'm going to go all out! I'm not going to hold back, I'm going to give you my all and I expect the same. Why pretend to try, waste my time, and waste me going out on dates with any new guys I might meet? Is that some male form of pleasure? Personally, I prefer shopping, but if you're into brokenhearted bitches I guess I get that.
I'm just tired of laying in bed, asking myself questions that only you can answer. I want to have that easy conversation with you again, I want to take all this pressure off, but I can't do it alone. I've learned from experience that liking someone and dating someone is never easy (even though I think it should be), and because of that I haven't given up on you yet. So please don't give up on me.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Girl of The Summer
Will we talk about if we're exclusive or not? Will we talk about if we're going to keep seeing each other when I go to college? In fact, will we talk at all when we're together or will we just keep having sex and making small talk and pretending to watch movies, and then having sex?
I like you,
but I could like you more.
I guess for right now I'll just keep drinking and spilling my secrets onto the internet in a grammatical fashion. Score one for liquor and poor judgement.
Everyone tells me to trust my gut, but then I doubt my trust and trust my doubt, then I'm lost. I just want to take things as they are, but then what are they? I don't want to over-think! I just want to be.
I need to be brave, to ask, to talk. Then I wonder, shouldn't talk come easy? But I don't see you as my forever, so I shouldn't worry...right? If you're worth it you'll stay. You'll be all the right reasons. And if you're not, then you'll go. They all do eventually.
But, God, I don't want to look at you later and cry. Cry for knowing that you were a bad idea. I don't want that anymore, I hope I've learned.
How do you learn but from experience? In my short time I've experienced a lot of romantic mishaps. A lot of royal fuck ups and fucking don'ts. I've never wanted to be that girl, the easy one. I prey you don't see me that way.
But how do you see me? I'm so scared to ask. I don't want to be just another girl of the summer. Please think I'm worth it. I think of all the things I want to say to you when I'm alone, but when we're together, I'm quiet. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't want to waste time thinking about you, writing about you, not making dates because of you, if you aren't interested. If I'm an easy fuck.
How do you stop fucking and start making love? You were my first, I don't know the difference. Or is that something that comes natural? Usually the things that your'e just supposed to know, I don't. That's part of why I'm unique, why I'm funny, and interesting. I hope you see that in me. It's not that hard. I'm pretty, I promise. I wish I didn't doubt myself.
It makes me angry, and I want to take it out on you, but you're great. You don't deserve all my hurt and anger. You weren't the one who cut me up before. You didn't force me into blow jobs and self inflicted hate. I want to blame you, but I know better.
I know better.
I know better.
Do you?
I like you,
but I could like you more.
I guess for right now I'll just keep drinking and spilling my secrets onto the internet in a grammatical fashion. Score one for liquor and poor judgement.
Everyone tells me to trust my gut, but then I doubt my trust and trust my doubt, then I'm lost. I just want to take things as they are, but then what are they? I don't want to over-think! I just want to be.
I need to be brave, to ask, to talk. Then I wonder, shouldn't talk come easy? But I don't see you as my forever, so I shouldn't worry...right? If you're worth it you'll stay. You'll be all the right reasons. And if you're not, then you'll go. They all do eventually.
But, God, I don't want to look at you later and cry. Cry for knowing that you were a bad idea. I don't want that anymore, I hope I've learned.
How do you learn but from experience? In my short time I've experienced a lot of romantic mishaps. A lot of royal fuck ups and fucking don'ts. I've never wanted to be that girl, the easy one. I prey you don't see me that way.
But how do you see me? I'm so scared to ask. I don't want to be just another girl of the summer. Please think I'm worth it. I think of all the things I want to say to you when I'm alone, but when we're together, I'm quiet. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't want to waste time thinking about you, writing about you, not making dates because of you, if you aren't interested. If I'm an easy fuck.
How do you stop fucking and start making love? You were my first, I don't know the difference. Or is that something that comes natural? Usually the things that your'e just supposed to know, I don't. That's part of why I'm unique, why I'm funny, and interesting. I hope you see that in me. It's not that hard. I'm pretty, I promise. I wish I didn't doubt myself.
It makes me angry, and I want to take it out on you, but you're great. You don't deserve all my hurt and anger. You weren't the one who cut me up before. You didn't force me into blow jobs and self inflicted hate. I want to blame you, but I know better.
I know better.
I know better.
Do you?
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