Sitting On The Floor

You control my emotions. Hold me tight. I wish that I didn't need or want to wish for anything. That feelings could be easy again. A simple tug and pull at the heartstrings. But no, I have to feel this rush.
Do you happen to feel it to?

I need to cry. These tears well up inside me but I can't seem to push them out. Part of me wants to hang on to them, to stand strong. I don't need you I tell myself. I have to believe that, because what if you don't need me? Where do I stand then?

Life gets so high when your around, whispering lovers words into my ears. But then I take the swiftest fall at any sign of weakness on your part. I need you to pull me up, and you need me to pull you up, so here we sit. Staring doe-eyed at each other while sitting on the floor.

Are you toxic to me, do you think? I'm told I can do better, be better. But no one will give me the chance to even be worse. It's expected. I'm protected by their fear. Well fuck their fear.
I want to live.

Exsisting Tonight

I'll talk to you tonight
And you'll stir my rampant fears
I may look just a child
But I'm wise beyond my years

You'll tell me secrets tonight
What you know no one else knows
And I'll keep your secrets tonight
Absorbing your all time lows

I'll dream about you tonight
Of what you are
What you could be
Realizing what you mean to me

I'll toss and turn tonight
As I'm fighting with your demons
But it's still a step back
Because I'm only dreaming

But it's not about me tonight
You, and you alone
Battling for the right
To live in your own home

There is a meaning tonight,
A "simple" lesson to be learned
Don't get close to fire
Because everyone gets burned

I'll shed some tears tonight
Because I know the demons winning
But I'll smile in the morning
Because it means a new beginning.

Happy Heart Ripping

I hate getting that feeling when you get rid of something or delete something and then right after it's gone you want it back. You get that same feeling when you say something you wish you hadn't and after it's out you realize you don't have the ability to grab words and shove them back into your mouth.
Life's just kind of funny that way I guess.
But, hey, I did make a resolution of non-resolution in which I decided to love all of the stupid, f'ed up things I will inevitably do over the year. I'm going to take a wild guess and figure that means accepting bad word choices and "oops" after certain situations..
But other than my incoherent mumblings about needing to put your foot in your mouth I should really get to a point in this blog.
Except I don't think I have one.
(Do I ever?)

Today is just one of those days where you feel the need to vent out all of your feelings, but you feelings are kinda stupid so you just make do with talking about off the wall random things (which is what I'm doing right now in case you haven't noticed).

Ever just want to rip your heart out before anyone else can get the chance? You know, to save everyone else the trouble? I think it would be the worlds biggest time saver, and that way the blame can totally just be on you and you can wallow in self-pity! Pretty clever, eh?
Now how does one go about ripping out their own heart?
This feels like a Google moment.

Happy heart ripping<3

RaWr

Up, down, up, down, you spin my head in circles please put my feet back on the ground. This is why I don't trust, why I shake to the core when I talk about feelings. crushed to many times before you, every time before you. An emotional wreck of confusion, lust, and hatred. How I wish I never liked you.
I want to help, good intentions will be be death of a girl. Creeping around isn't for me, second best isn't for me. All or nothing, everything or not a single thing at all. Only I can't, the attachment, the promise. The weight on my shoulders.
I'd like it better if I could read minds, could know what you really thought or felt. But considering that's imposable I'm not going to hold my breath. Thanks for wasted hopes and happy moments. For making me smile when I felt like life was a waste of time, is it possible that you're not as bad for me as everyone seems to think?
I doubt it.
And you should too.

Ring It In

I've beep putting up a lot of poems lately, but I guess I've just been in a poemy mood. So today I just wanted to write something, then I thought...write what?
So here goes nothing.
Let's start with the new year shall we?
Everyone's going on and on about resolutions and whether or not people will keep them, what most people will make, how hard/easy it will be to accomplish them. It never stops. So this year I think my resolution will be...are you ready for this?
RESOLUTION: TO NOT HAVE A RESOLUTION.
Isn't it fabulous? In 2011 I'm just going to love myself and all of the fucked up choices I may happen to make. There's no point in trying to avoid it because then I'd just be setting myself up to fail, and what way is that to ring in the new year??

[This is where I planned on talking about other pointless things, but that whole New Year's speeh is all I've got at the moment. So just enjoy these Youtube videos.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEb4s8Jxdts
It's after Christmas, but this was just to good not to share;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gza-E4k_1OE&feature=related
Love her, a great song to love into 2011

Finding Pieces

If God whispered in my ear
Would I listen enough to hear
What he asked me to please do,
Would you know if He whispered to you?

But what if it's you that's talking?
That inner whisper that has no chance of stopping
Telling you what you want to think
Would God let you swim or sink?

Crazy obsessive
These thoughts never cease
Losing my mind
Tell me if you find a piece.

Done Before You

I want something new
Bright and shiny
Untouched by clever hands
With sticky fingers


I want something no one has
One of a kind,
Original,
Not thought of before


But it's easier to say then do
When everything has been done before you
What clever creators make
Nothing more then silly ideas in an idle mind


Foresee the impossible
Everything created must be destroyed
Like little toy soldiers
In a war pig's world
Spinning around
Until the plastic breaks

RestLess

This dull longing
I'm aching
Heaving and shaking
To be still

To feel
To put my feet down
This endless entrapment
Amend this attraction


Passing and sighing
Denying a place to stop
Disarray but not heartless
How did I start this?

Pause from a moment
Then yearning to move
I'm restless here
How about you?

A Title For My Rant and a Cookie For My Effort

I want everything I can't have. If I get it then I don't want it anymore, because whats the fun in that? Thoughts can't have pretty little perfect thought patterns that fit into a quota that you have to fill for the day. They come and they go, like mistakes that leave you blushing.
Don't you hate it when you remember something that happened to you years and years ago but still to this day you blush when you think about it. I try to tell myself that there is no point in worrying over things you can't change but it doesn't stop the feeling. Then there's those times when something sticks out in your memory so bad, almost scaring you for life or something but the other person involved doesn't remember a damn thing. But you can't complain because it happens to you all the time.
I feel like I forget things way to easily. Someone told me that there's a chemical in Shampoo that makes you forget stuff at an unnatural rate, but I'm not sure. I only seem to forget the things that pop into my head and I think I don't have to write them down but really I do because I can never remember them later. Then you have to retrace your steps to see if you can think about the same thing you were before so as to jog your memory.
Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Like life, or trying new things. I hate trying new things because I'm always so damn afraid of messing up. Of being the only one who doesn't understand what's going on. So I never to first but I don't mind going second, then once i see how easy it is/was I wish that I had gone first.
But there I go again, wishing for things that I can't have or won't do.
And thinking about things that I can't change.
Maybe that's a pessimistic way of looking at things, but unless I get a body swap machine or a time machine I don't think I'll be doing things any differently soon.

I'm tempted to delete this because I think I'll read it later and be like "what the hell?" but who cares. If I can't do whatever I want on a page that no one I go to school with or who sees me on a regular bases reads, then when can I do what I want. And what's the point of being your own person if all you do is worry about how other people perceive you?

Sticky Situations

Twisted up inside
You put your best foot first
With your Sunday finest on
But this taking and making of love
Just takes to long

Make a misstep
Tripping when you take a step
Can't fake it
So I choose not to walk
Wishing that I could

But it's a tightrope
Wrapped around my neck
Choking me to be my best
When my luck runs out
I'll be the one to blame

Put these empty wishes to rest
Can't complain about failing
If I won't take the test
The fear isn't running out
Just sinking in