The Only Way?

Is it bad that at 18 I've already gotten to the point where I believe that there is just no hope for a relationship to work, or is it a good thing? Is it possible that with this mindset I'll actually save myself some heartache, or will I just become a cranky love-starved cynic?
Why does it seem that the key to being happy just has to involve other people. Friends, family, or lovers, it really doesn't matter. That's why it is so disappointing when friends and family aren't enough, and then when I find someone else I want to be with, all I am is miserable about it.
I understand that if happiness was easy to obtain it wouldn't be as desirable, but damn.

And I am not unhappy. I feel the need to stress that. I'm not some sad little girl who sits alone all day, every day. I like who I am (whoever that is..lol). I just don't have anything in my life to worry about right now, and it's possible that's why I put all this focus on needing a "relationship" of some sort.
So with that in mind I think semi-subconsciously fill my plate with things to do: school, college scholarships, work, drama club, pageant, national honor society, friends, family. I'm even thinking about trying to get a second job and I'm going to sign up at the local wellness center so I can start working out after school. You would think that I would be so busy that I wouldn't have a spare second to consider bringing one more thing into my life.
But I see these movies and T.V. shows, and I read these books and these couples are happy. They're in love. And I can't relate, I can't even really be happy for them. All I can think is fuck you.
And that's really sad.


Wow, I started this post with the intention of being quirky and funny about how much I think I need someone but I really don't, and it's turned into a bit of a mess. I don't mean to be so confusing about what I want, but if you think reading this is confusing, imagine what's going on in my head. That's why I just resign myself to not wanting any of it. There is nothing I desire more than to be able to completely wash my hands of love. I want things to be simple, and this seems to be the only way. I can't expect some equally messed-up guy to fix me when I can't even fix myself. I've found out the hard way that just doesn't work, it only makes everything worse.



Confession for the day? I'm sad, and I can't figure out how to fix it. I'm open to suggestions.