Windows 8 Overhaul

I had to bid farewell to my baby, aka, my laptop of four years and sweet sixteen birthday gift.  While it still sits gracefully in my closet, waiting to come to the inevitable rescue, I've had to take up using my new laptop.  And trust me, it was hard at first.  Why, might you ask, do I have such an attachment to an inanimate object?  Well besides the obvious memories (and stickers decorating the outside-that can never be replaced), my new laptop has Windows 8.

I made sure that I waited about a month before I posted about this program, because I wanted to give it a fighting chance before I ripped it into fucking pieces with my words.  To give it a chance before I attacked it with a metaphorical sword, starting at the useless opening screen and ending with "where in the bloody hell is my start button?"

Do I absolutely hate it? No.  Hate is a strong word.  Would I like Windows 7 back?  Absolutely.  I just don't trust Windows 8, I'm annoyed by it, and I'm completely, 100% over it.

I'm doing updates every day, the programs WVU uses aren't up to speed (causing glitches), and I'm so angry about the start button.  I touch my mousepad a certain way and my screen is flipping to a different open program, and every corner of my screen has a "special" function.  Let me tell you, these special functions are wearing helmets and riding the short bus.  Apparently so are the CEO's of Microsoft.
People don't like change.  Unless you're handing out quarters tied to red balloons, we don't want it.  So be fucking gradual!  Hold our hand before you push us out into the street!  Now I'm up shits creek with only some bullshit F4+alt functions to try and maneuver my way around with.
I'd just like to make one thing clear to Microsoft:  If I wanted a Mac I'd save up my money and buy my happy ass one.
Stop trying to simplify and downsize, I don't want your function keys, I don't want your "happy happy" start screen.  I just want 1,000 folders and my god forsaken start button.  I like being able to fuck around with my hard drive and folders I'm probably never supposed to open.  I like personalizing my laptop the hard way.  I don't mind jumping through a few hoops to get things done, just so long as they're the old hoops I've always used.
Also, I like google.  I know they track my every move, my searches, and are possibly literally watching me.  But if you keep shoving Bing down my throat and I'll "Bing" you where the sun doesn't shine.