Being Shiny, The World's Most Troubled Trophy Girlfiend

September has been a busy month.  I don't know what exactly I've been busy with, but it's been taking up all of my time.
It's probably been busy because of the boyyyyyyfriendddddd.  I'm pretty much just amazed that we're still together.  That he still likes me and doesn't think I'm a total wacko is magic-carpet-ride level amazing.  Having him as a boyfriend has been kind of like living in a movie.  Of course he has his flaws, but 90% of the time he literally treats me like a long-lost princess, and I couldn't be more grateful.
But I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Like, he's going to realize that I'm too demanding and totally not worth it, at any second.  When will I stop being the shiny new trophy?

Not only that, but his short, itty-bitty list of flaws is slowly diminishing as he decides to make life changes for me.  BE AWARE:  I did not ask for any of these changes, they are his own personal goals that I just happen to support.  Just wanted to clear that up before I got some major judgement from the peanut gallery.
Baby list of flaws:
A smoker,
Stoner (like the wake and bake, eat and bake, work and bake, drive and bake, bake and bake kind),
Living with a friend's family,
Unreliable car,
Low-level job (by this I mean that he can't really get much higher in the management than he already is, and it's not his dream job.  Not that he knows what his dream job is, haha),
Low self esteem

He's cut back on smoking (at least when I'm around, which is good enough for me since he's Mr. Two-Packs-A-Day), he's quitting pot for a while, and he's saving up for a car and his own place (probably with all that pot money he now has leftover).  He's also considering technical school.
I could list my flaws for years and years and years.  Basically infinity plus one.  And this guy still thinks I'm too hot to roam around college because I'll get hit on.  More like hit by...a giant truck.

To be honest, when we first got together, I was mostly just infatuated with how much he liked me.  It was a rush to be admired so much, and then to be treated so well, as if it were a natural everyday thing.  But now I"m in love with how willing he is to change and be there for me.  Like he's not just going to be the pillars on my porch, he's also going to be the walls in my house.  And possibly the roof.
How do I repay that?  How do I accept that?
What would I do if that went away?

Shit, even when things in life work out the good has consequences.  What's with that?

I'm Snarky

Just realized I forgot to post the things I like about Windows 8!!!

They still provided me with a desktop page.
Praise Jesus.


That's all.

Windows 8 Overhaul

I had to bid farewell to my baby, aka, my laptop of four years and sweet sixteen birthday gift.  While it still sits gracefully in my closet, waiting to come to the inevitable rescue, I've had to take up using my new laptop.  And trust me, it was hard at first.  Why, might you ask, do I have such an attachment to an inanimate object?  Well besides the obvious memories (and stickers decorating the outside-that can never be replaced), my new laptop has Windows 8.

I made sure that I waited about a month before I posted about this program, because I wanted to give it a fighting chance before I ripped it into fucking pieces with my words.  To give it a chance before I attacked it with a metaphorical sword, starting at the useless opening screen and ending with "where in the bloody hell is my start button?"

Do I absolutely hate it? No.  Hate is a strong word.  Would I like Windows 7 back?  Absolutely.  I just don't trust Windows 8, I'm annoyed by it, and I'm completely, 100% over it.

I'm doing updates every day, the programs WVU uses aren't up to speed (causing glitches), and I'm so angry about the start button.  I touch my mousepad a certain way and my screen is flipping to a different open program, and every corner of my screen has a "special" function.  Let me tell you, these special functions are wearing helmets and riding the short bus.  Apparently so are the CEO's of Microsoft.
People don't like change.  Unless you're handing out quarters tied to red balloons, we don't want it.  So be fucking gradual!  Hold our hand before you push us out into the street!  Now I'm up shits creek with only some bullshit F4+alt functions to try and maneuver my way around with.
I'd just like to make one thing clear to Microsoft:  If I wanted a Mac I'd save up my money and buy my happy ass one.
Stop trying to simplify and downsize, I don't want your function keys, I don't want your "happy happy" start screen.  I just want 1,000 folders and my god forsaken start button.  I like being able to fuck around with my hard drive and folders I'm probably never supposed to open.  I like personalizing my laptop the hard way.  I don't mind jumping through a few hoops to get things done, just so long as they're the old hoops I've always used.
Also, I like google.  I know they track my every move, my searches, and are possibly literally watching me.  But if you keep shoving Bing down my throat and I'll "Bing" you where the sun doesn't shine.

A Piece of My Life

My boyfriend finally took some more pictures with me the other day, and they're really cute.  I am here to share the cuteness.
Also, we used a webcam, so they're pretty fuzzy.  I apologize now.

Okay, not so cute. But very "us."

My smile says more than any of these words<3 td="">

(on vacation)

In my last post I talked about my new tattoo, well, I got that tattoo while I was tanning my bum at the beach.  My favorite beach in the United States has to be Wrightsville Beach in North Carolina, the water is clear, the breeze is warm, and the people aren't overwhelming.  It was a good mini-vacation (only about two days), and there is something about the beach that I just can't shake.  I write about the ocean often in my poems and I admire it so much, and I know I'm not the only one.  I think the ocean gives me a sense of how finite my problems are, and how small I am compared.  I find that relieving.

People got so creative this year, I also saw an octopus and a dolphin in the sand.

The Tree That Shades Me

I got my first tattoo this Tuesday!  My aunt wanted to get one done as a group (her, my mom, and I) and she sprung it on us last minute.  We were at the beach and before I knew it, I was at Cadillac Tattoos.  Since I didn't have any forewarning I was in a dress and a thong, perfect attire for the hip tattoo I ended up getting..
However, the guys were super professional and great.  They made jokes, didn't complain that we kept them an hour over their closing time, and I love, love, my new tattoo.
I'm lucky I've been thinking about getting a piece of my mom's Tree of Life tattoo, or who knows what I would've ended up walking out of there with.
Also, it hurt.  A lot.  Like, way more than I thought it would.  Apparently my pain tolerance is low - I'm a total pussy.

my mom's tattoo

tattoo on my right hip.

If you look at the top "limbs" and flip them upside down, you'll see where I got my flower design.

So here's to my amazing mom & aunt, our trip to Ireland, and our memories together (good and bad).
xoxo

The Unknown

Does it make anyone else nervous that I write all the of really bad stuff in my journal?  Like, what's so bad that I can't even put it on the internet; the place where bad things live, grow, and prosper?
You'll never know.

The Blues and Tattoos

I didn't think that having a new roommate would hit me this hard, I at least didn't think I would cry until I saw the room or something.  The new girl seems nice, it just makes Rachel's passing away a very final reality.  It doesn't help that there is nothing I can do about it.

Also, everyone is talking about getting a tattoo in memory of Rae, and I like that idea in theory.  I've never gotten a tattoo before, and it's not because I don't like them, it's because they're permanent.  If I'm going to have to look at it forever, I better like it forever.  I just need time to process and think about it.  Like three years kind of time.
I'm slow, don't act surprised.
I just want to be sure of what I want, it won't magic eraser off my body if I change my mind last minute.

Irony and I

My last post was about how I apply the five stages of grief to my love life, it was very self involved - like most of the things I talk about.

Last Sunday, the 21st, my roommate/best friend passed away in a car accident.  I went to her funeral yesterday, spoke, and made her memory boards.

I'm okay now, but I don't quite know what to say about it.  It's something that has affected all of my friends, and that will continue to affect us.  I wish I'd done and said things differently, I re-thought some of my actions.  I now have to deal with actual grief.
Sometimes it hasn't hit me, and then something small, like getting ready for my friends birthday party, will make me think of her.  She'll never get ready for a party with me again, something we did about 100 times last school year.

I'm not in the mood to be sappy and drawn out, in fact this has left me very short tempered and dissatisfied about regular things in my life.  I just felt like I owe her, and myself, some perspective on life.  There are real things to grieve over.

Rachel and I, during a night out.

The Five Stages of Grief & How I Handle Love

If I had a whole list of things about the reasons I'm a fucked up person, "love makes me sad" would probably be number 7 or 8.  And "Being Naggy" would be 13, but that's a different story.

When it comes to love in real life, I basically go through the five stages of grieving.

1) Denial.  I don't love this guy, I haven't been with him long enough to love him.  I still think other guys are cute sometimes.  What is love anyway?  Maybe I love him, but I'm not in love with him, there's a difference right?

2) Anger.  How dare I love someone?  It's not like this is going to amount to anything!  How dare he be so nice that I fall in love?  This is stupid!  I'm stupid!  

3) Bargaining.  Maybe if distance myself from him I won't love him anymore.  I won't text back as fast, we won't hang out as often, I won't wear the bracelet he got me and I won't love him this much and it'll all be fine.  Maybe by doing all of these things he'll think I'm crazy and distance himself from me!  Then I really won't love him this much, genius!

4) Depression.  If I tell him I love him things will be too serious, and then they won't work out.  He's going to break my heart, and worse, I deserve it for being such a dumbass and falling for him.  I don't deserve love, there's no way he'll love me back, this is going to end badly. [insert countless versions of a break up scene.]

5) Acceptance.  I've been told it's nice at this stage, I wouldn't know. [insert more of stage 4 depression.]

Since I was 15 I've always thought I was too weird, too ugly, and too overlooked to ever make someone happy.  For the past 5 years that line of thought has proven to be true.  It's what I've told myself after every breakup or version of "heartbreak" that I've come across in my life.  When someone leaves me, it's always because I'm lacking in some way.  I've talked about this a lot in my blog, I know I have, and hopefully I'm not beating people over the head with it.  It's just such a destructive line of thought and I know that it affects me in every relationship I have.

In my current relationship my boyfriend puts in effort to better himself for me (haircut, cutting back a bit on cigarettes, etc), he gets jealous of other guys, and laughs at my jokes.  He'll even stay up for over 24 hours to spend time with me (he works night shift, makes for weird hangout and sleeping hours). He tells me I'm beautiful every day, he says how lucky he is to have me every chance he gets, and I literally catch him gazing at me.

When he does or says these things, I get very quiet and reserved and he always asks me what's wrong.  I don't know how to tell him that I'm scared sick of how breaking up or him not putting in as much effort will affect me.  That I don't feel like I deserve these things.  I'm not good enough for this.  I feel like a fraud, accepting gifts that belong to some other girl.  Some other girl that he will eventually find and leave me for.  I really don't know how to say it without sounding pathetic or ungrateful or without making him mad at how much I dislike myself.  I mean, if I don't like "me," how can anyone else?