The Blues and Tattoos

I didn't think that having a new roommate would hit me this hard, I at least didn't think I would cry until I saw the room or something.  The new girl seems nice, it just makes Rachel's passing away a very final reality.  It doesn't help that there is nothing I can do about it.

Also, everyone is talking about getting a tattoo in memory of Rae, and I like that idea in theory.  I've never gotten a tattoo before, and it's not because I don't like them, it's because they're permanent.  If I'm going to have to look at it forever, I better like it forever.  I just need time to process and think about it.  Like three years kind of time.
I'm slow, don't act surprised.
I just want to be sure of what I want, it won't magic eraser off my body if I change my mind last minute.

Irony and I

My last post was about how I apply the five stages of grief to my love life, it was very self involved - like most of the things I talk about.

Last Sunday, the 21st, my roommate/best friend passed away in a car accident.  I went to her funeral yesterday, spoke, and made her memory boards.

I'm okay now, but I don't quite know what to say about it.  It's something that has affected all of my friends, and that will continue to affect us.  I wish I'd done and said things differently, I re-thought some of my actions.  I now have to deal with actual grief.
Sometimes it hasn't hit me, and then something small, like getting ready for my friends birthday party, will make me think of her.  She'll never get ready for a party with me again, something we did about 100 times last school year.

I'm not in the mood to be sappy and drawn out, in fact this has left me very short tempered and dissatisfied about regular things in my life.  I just felt like I owe her, and myself, some perspective on life.  There are real things to grieve over.

Rachel and I, during a night out.