107 Post-it Notes To My Future Shrink

I have a really weird (and by weird I mean bad) personality trait where I punish myself.  And not in a sexy submissive vs. dominance covered in latex kind of way.
I don't do anything crazy or too out of hand, like cut myself or consider suicide; the things I do aren't usually permanent.  The number one thing I'll do is refuse to eat.  For me this is a big deal because there have been a handful of times where I'll have an anxiety attack, sometimes leading to a panic attack, because I don't eat.  So when I punish myself by not eating, I do it with the full knowledge that it will only create a bigger brouhaha in my life (which is probably why it's such good punishment).
I'll also punish myself by refusing to join things that I know I will enjoy.  My family is going out to the mall and movies, two things I love.  Punishment - sit alone in the house and think about the fun they're having that I'm not...and also probably no dinner - you'd think I'd be skinnier.  I've also done this while shopping with my mom before.  I couldn't get one more shirt so I made her put them all back, because if I couldn't get that extra one, then I didn't want (or deserve) any of them.
Thankfully I'm over the shopping problem (considering I buy my own clothes now & I'll take what I can get),
but this personal punishment has a tendency to take control over more than just my life when it affects others.  And I find it hard to explain because the idea that I punish myself is just so fucking weird.

Why do I punish myself?
Well, why does WVU make it's furniture such an ugly shade of green?  Why do I only look good in Aviators?  Why do iPhone users feel so smug & superior with iOS 7?


 I don't really know for sure.  I should probably see some sort of therapist and have long, boring talks about my childhood.  But ain't no body got time for that!  Also, blogging is cheaper.

I do know I have the most tendency to do it when I feel inadequate with something, something I don't feel like I can control.  When I'm depressed or pitying myself, I feel like I deserve to be punished, because I'm a perfectly (arguably) healthy human being with friends, family, and endless love & support.

A prime example happened in my life last night
My boyfriend (bet you didn't think this was a boyfriend post - FOOLED YOU!) has been having a rough time at work, and just in life in general, and one thing that has really been bothering him was that he felt he was carrying our relationship.  All he asked me to do was to start texting and calling him first instead of the other way around.  That shouldn't be a big deal, and technically it's not.
But what it said to me was that I'm a terrible girlfriend who doesn't deserve anything because I don't put in any effort and I'm unlovable and a total waste of space, my boyfriend deserves someone better who can offer him more, and on and on and on.  That monologue went though my head for 3 hours before punishment came into play.
Around midnight I texted him and said the following:
"I don't know how to be a girlfriend, much less a "good" girlfriend.  3 months in people always seem to figure that out.  At this point I feel like I cause you more irritation and confusion than happiness and even I know that's not how relationships should be...With all of this going on, if you think it's a good idea to take a break this weekend & not see me I understand. You drive here every weekend & it's not fair to ask for so much when I don't give anything in return."

Punishment: not being allowed to do something I actually would like very much.  You can't even imagine the texts and the almost breaking up (which could still happen) that I started after that.  When I get this way I feel like there is a giant black vortex in my chest and it's sucking all of the good out of me.  I don't even know how to explain to him that he didn't do anything, this is something I do to myself.  And he (nor anyone else probably) wants to read this long ass essay that I've just written on it.
I don't know if I can life my life this way, what if I decide to have kids one day or something?

The Five Stages of Grief & How I Handle Love

If I had a whole list of things about the reasons I'm a fucked up person, "love makes me sad" would probably be number 7 or 8.  And "Being Naggy" would be 13, but that's a different story.

When it comes to love in real life, I basically go through the five stages of grieving.

1) Denial.  I don't love this guy, I haven't been with him long enough to love him.  I still think other guys are cute sometimes.  What is love anyway?  Maybe I love him, but I'm not in love with him, there's a difference right?

2) Anger.  How dare I love someone?  It's not like this is going to amount to anything!  How dare he be so nice that I fall in love?  This is stupid!  I'm stupid!  

3) Bargaining.  Maybe if distance myself from him I won't love him anymore.  I won't text back as fast, we won't hang out as often, I won't wear the bracelet he got me and I won't love him this much and it'll all be fine.  Maybe by doing all of these things he'll think I'm crazy and distance himself from me!  Then I really won't love him this much, genius!

4) Depression.  If I tell him I love him things will be too serious, and then they won't work out.  He's going to break my heart, and worse, I deserve it for being such a dumbass and falling for him.  I don't deserve love, there's no way he'll love me back, this is going to end badly. [insert countless versions of a break up scene.]

5) Acceptance.  I've been told it's nice at this stage, I wouldn't know. [insert more of stage 4 depression.]

Since I was 15 I've always thought I was too weird, too ugly, and too overlooked to ever make someone happy.  For the past 5 years that line of thought has proven to be true.  It's what I've told myself after every breakup or version of "heartbreak" that I've come across in my life.  When someone leaves me, it's always because I'm lacking in some way.  I've talked about this a lot in my blog, I know I have, and hopefully I'm not beating people over the head with it.  It's just such a destructive line of thought and I know that it affects me in every relationship I have.

In my current relationship my boyfriend puts in effort to better himself for me (haircut, cutting back a bit on cigarettes, etc), he gets jealous of other guys, and laughs at my jokes.  He'll even stay up for over 24 hours to spend time with me (he works night shift, makes for weird hangout and sleeping hours). He tells me I'm beautiful every day, he says how lucky he is to have me every chance he gets, and I literally catch him gazing at me.

When he does or says these things, I get very quiet and reserved and he always asks me what's wrong.  I don't know how to tell him that I'm scared sick of how breaking up or him not putting in as much effort will affect me.  That I don't feel like I deserve these things.  I'm not good enough for this.  I feel like a fraud, accepting gifts that belong to some other girl.  Some other girl that he will eventually find and leave me for.  I really don't know how to say it without sounding pathetic or ungrateful or without making him mad at how much I dislike myself.  I mean, if I don't like "me," how can anyone else?

"give me no lies and keep your hands to yourself"

I'm sorry. my last few blogs have been about my relationship problems and me venting about how stupid guys are and such. And I'm sorry because by now your probably bored with it, don't give a damn, or are completely confused.
So this post (and, hell, possibly the whole damn blog) is about and for me and only me. It's for my venting and ranting purposes only thankyouverymuch.

Today was a bittersweet hell that has left me believing that for some strange reason karma decided to just take a huge crap on my day (btw, it now owes me). It started off with having a flat tire on the way to the bus stop, so flat in fact that the tire was about to come off the rim. So we hopped into the trusty ole' truck. And no sooner had we tried to shoot out of the driveway did the freaking talegate come off and start flopping around like a fish out of water. We stick the talegate into the truck and try to continue on our way...and miss the bus.

You might think that I'd be able to take a freaking sign, right? It would appear pretty obvious that I'm not ment to go to school today. But no, I have to persist. I have to be my usual hard-headed self and wake my mom up to treck to school in her car (about a half an hour drive).
Its the second to last day of school and we aren't doing anything important but run around the school and hang out with friends, but i still just hadddd to go.

*skipping to the REALLY IMPORTANT (and shitty-er) part of my day*

That guy that I talked about in my last two posts is still hanging around, fooling with my head and my emotions. He won't talk to me for a few days and then he'll snuggle up to me and flirt. Talk about mixed signs.
Anyways, I won this game that ment he "had" to make out with me (winner got to make out with him, we weren't really gonna take it seriously, but since I won the game...) we met up later and after a few flirtatious moves there were were, kissing it up. Then getting interrupted. then kissing it up again.
After a final interruption we stopped (finally, a sign I listen to!) You would think, "yay you! kissing the guy you like and all that, you get em!" right? I mean, that's what the hell I was thinking.
Then he started all this mumbo-jumbo nonsense about being friends with benefits and other girls and yadda-yadda-blah-blah. I'm not a friends with benefits kind of girl. Date me or hate me, it's how I play and I told him so (but not as frank...)

so later on he starts more crap by saying "sorry" and "I feel horrible." I live with no regrets (or at least I make an effort to) so I tell him not to worry about it and it's all good. Then he asks if I'm gonna tell anyone. WARNING LIGHT NUMBER 187! because of course I was gonna tell my best girl friends. What good friend won't tell the juicy bits??
then he tells me that he just wished that this had never happened.




EXCUSE ME? screw that. I ignored his efforts to apologize (yet again) for the rest of the day and am not going to talk to him until he's good and tortured. I'm not yet sure if I should laugh, cry, or hit something.
but I feel much better now that I've ranted. Chocolate, alcohol, and a nap -- here I come!
(oh, and the title is from a hit song by the Georgia Satellites)