Until I Explode

You had a bad day?
Sit back, relax
And breathe
Because this pressure is killing me

You're the child and I'm the leader
A marching band
In this worn out theater
Putting on quite a show

And you don't even know

I'll hold it in until I explode
Stand back and watch this girl go
Because when it happens you won't need to ask
You'll know

This child's game has gotten tiring
I don't know how others deal
because with me it's all or nothing
I don't give a damn about how you feel

Because I listen all the time
And I'm always full of doubt
And honey if you really cared
You'd try to pull me out


(I wrote this maybe ten minutes ago, haha. I obviously am not feeling top form)

enamorando

The L word.
It's the scariest word I've ever heard of. It sends shivers down my spine and it makes my heart pound just a little bit faster then it should. It gives me anxiety. It brings tears to my eyes. It's the thing I crave, but won't give and am not sure to take.
I'll never want to admit to it. Because what if I do, and later find out it's not real? It was just a fake, a setup in my head sent insincerely from yours. I don't want to be a fool. Baby, don't make me a fool. I couldn't handle it again.
I think about you to much, want to see you to much. You could crush me to easily and I don't like that. You have the power to make me human.

I don't want to love you.
I refuse.
It's to easy to be mistreated
Or misused

You tell me pretty things
But honey it'll take a lot
Because when it comes to head games
I'd really rather not

You're trying to prove your worth
And I appreciate it, I do
But that doesn't make me less afraid
To fall in love with you

I wish it could be easy
Wish I knew it wouldn't hurt
But wishing won't get me anywhere
Except left in the dirt

You make all these promises
And I'd like to think they're true
But sweetheart
I'm just not allowed to fall in love with you






confession for the day?
It's taking every ounce of power I have not to push you away.

The Friend Fairy

Does anyone else have as hard a problem listening to their-selves as i do? I don't like to admit it that often, but I have a very tough time hearing what I tell myself. A small example would be "study now and you won't regret it."
So I half-heartily study and then once nothing is absorbed because I'm not trying hard enough I want to punch myself in the face come test-time.
So I wonder if this is normal. Do other people tell themselves something only to completely ignore it and regret it later? How often? because mines about 70/30 in the bad.

Among other troubles in my life that no one really cares about, but that I'm going to share anyway, I have been completely stressing myself out lately. The other night I was studying for a big chem test, reading a story for lit (that was supposed to be read two days ago..), writing an essay, and dealing with three of my friends problems.
It's no wonder I like to think of myself as superwoman.
Except superwoman seemingly looks fantastic during all of this distress and I look like shit. I'm tired of drama, I'm tired of wasting my breath, I'm sick of school, and most of all? I'm tired of having no one to tell this to.
Why do you think I spill all this crap onto the internet?
Because while I'm available 24/7 for my friends, no one has the time or the patience to deal with me. And just to who should I take this great unjustice? The friend fairy? My mother?

On the bright side I received two amazing pairs of boots last night that just can't wait to be worn!
Now if only I could convince myself to get out of bed....





confession for the day? Being a "nice girl" all the time is really grating on my nerves.

Sitting On The Floor

You control my emotions. Hold me tight. I wish that I didn't need or want to wish for anything. That feelings could be easy again. A simple tug and pull at the heartstrings. But no, I have to feel this rush.
Do you happen to feel it to?

I need to cry. These tears well up inside me but I can't seem to push them out. Part of me wants to hang on to them, to stand strong. I don't need you I tell myself. I have to believe that, because what if you don't need me? Where do I stand then?

Life gets so high when your around, whispering lovers words into my ears. But then I take the swiftest fall at any sign of weakness on your part. I need you to pull me up, and you need me to pull you up, so here we sit. Staring doe-eyed at each other while sitting on the floor.

Are you toxic to me, do you think? I'm told I can do better, be better. But no one will give me the chance to even be worse. It's expected. I'm protected by their fear. Well fuck their fear.
I want to live.

Exsisting Tonight

I'll talk to you tonight
And you'll stir my rampant fears
I may look just a child
But I'm wise beyond my years

You'll tell me secrets tonight
What you know no one else knows
And I'll keep your secrets tonight
Absorbing your all time lows

I'll dream about you tonight
Of what you are
What you could be
Realizing what you mean to me

I'll toss and turn tonight
As I'm fighting with your demons
But it's still a step back
Because I'm only dreaming

But it's not about me tonight
You, and you alone
Battling for the right
To live in your own home

There is a meaning tonight,
A "simple" lesson to be learned
Don't get close to fire
Because everyone gets burned

I'll shed some tears tonight
Because I know the demons winning
But I'll smile in the morning
Because it means a new beginning.

Happy Heart Ripping

I hate getting that feeling when you get rid of something or delete something and then right after it's gone you want it back. You get that same feeling when you say something you wish you hadn't and after it's out you realize you don't have the ability to grab words and shove them back into your mouth.
Life's just kind of funny that way I guess.
But, hey, I did make a resolution of non-resolution in which I decided to love all of the stupid, f'ed up things I will inevitably do over the year. I'm going to take a wild guess and figure that means accepting bad word choices and "oops" after certain situations..
But other than my incoherent mumblings about needing to put your foot in your mouth I should really get to a point in this blog.
Except I don't think I have one.
(Do I ever?)

Today is just one of those days where you feel the need to vent out all of your feelings, but you feelings are kinda stupid so you just make do with talking about off the wall random things (which is what I'm doing right now in case you haven't noticed).

Ever just want to rip your heart out before anyone else can get the chance? You know, to save everyone else the trouble? I think it would be the worlds biggest time saver, and that way the blame can totally just be on you and you can wallow in self-pity! Pretty clever, eh?
Now how does one go about ripping out their own heart?
This feels like a Google moment.

Happy heart ripping<3

RaWr

Up, down, up, down, you spin my head in circles please put my feet back on the ground. This is why I don't trust, why I shake to the core when I talk about feelings. crushed to many times before you, every time before you. An emotional wreck of confusion, lust, and hatred. How I wish I never liked you.
I want to help, good intentions will be be death of a girl. Creeping around isn't for me, second best isn't for me. All or nothing, everything or not a single thing at all. Only I can't, the attachment, the promise. The weight on my shoulders.
I'd like it better if I could read minds, could know what you really thought or felt. But considering that's imposable I'm not going to hold my breath. Thanks for wasted hopes and happy moments. For making me smile when I felt like life was a waste of time, is it possible that you're not as bad for me as everyone seems to think?
I doubt it.
And you should too.

Ring It In

I've beep putting up a lot of poems lately, but I guess I've just been in a poemy mood. So today I just wanted to write something, then I thought...write what?
So here goes nothing.
Let's start with the new year shall we?
Everyone's going on and on about resolutions and whether or not people will keep them, what most people will make, how hard/easy it will be to accomplish them. It never stops. So this year I think my resolution will be...are you ready for this?
RESOLUTION: TO NOT HAVE A RESOLUTION.
Isn't it fabulous? In 2011 I'm just going to love myself and all of the fucked up choices I may happen to make. There's no point in trying to avoid it because then I'd just be setting myself up to fail, and what way is that to ring in the new year??

[This is where I planned on talking about other pointless things, but that whole New Year's speeh is all I've got at the moment. So just enjoy these Youtube videos.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEb4s8Jxdts
It's after Christmas, but this was just to good not to share;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gza-E4k_1OE&feature=related
Love her, a great song to love into 2011

Finding Pieces

If God whispered in my ear
Would I listen enough to hear
What he asked me to please do,
Would you know if He whispered to you?

But what if it's you that's talking?
That inner whisper that has no chance of stopping
Telling you what you want to think
Would God let you swim or sink?

Crazy obsessive
These thoughts never cease
Losing my mind
Tell me if you find a piece.

Done Before You

I want something new
Bright and shiny
Untouched by clever hands
With sticky fingers


I want something no one has
One of a kind,
Original,
Not thought of before


But it's easier to say then do
When everything has been done before you
What clever creators make
Nothing more then silly ideas in an idle mind


Foresee the impossible
Everything created must be destroyed
Like little toy soldiers
In a war pig's world
Spinning around
Until the plastic breaks