Finals Week: Spoiler Alert, I Got An "F" in Love

My boyfriend recently broke up with me (and by recently I mean four days ago) and I'm being surprisingly calm about it.  Is it the calm before the storm?  Is it my new "zen" personality?  Do I just give zero fucks?
I can never figure out what is going on in my mind until I write it out, so why not do that shit publicly so any poor bastard can stumble upon it?  YES!

We have been having our differences, as any couple does, and I'll spare you all of the boring details.  It boils down to lack of communication (doesn't it always) and us being in a long distance relationship.  However, things took a real turn when he saw the new apartments that I'm going to be living in next year.  It's a gorgeous complex with a pool, hot tub, grills, game room, walk in closets; it's really the works.  I'm in love with it.  His attitude towards the impending school years changed as he saw that I want to live a rich life.  And I won't deny that shit, I want to make money and look like it too.  I've seen my parents struggle paycheck to paycheck and that isn't the life I want for myself or my future family.

So basically it's been three weeks since we saw the apartment and everything has been off.  I've been with the guy for 10, almost 11 months.  I know when shit is going down.  And this Friday, he broke up with me.
Let me first explain that it is currently finals week which means that I will be home in seven god damn days. He couldn't hold in this information for a week until my exams were over and we could talk face to face.
And what was this grand break up?  Well, it was him saying that he "doesn't love me the same."  His inspired speech contained, "I'm 25, I need to settle down" and "I don't want to struggle for the next two years.  I just don't see us going anywhere."  The really cherry was, "I still want to be friends.  You're the only girl I've ever wanted to stay friends with.  You're my longest relationship."

And we didn't finish this lovely conversation because I had to go to a meeting, but I haven't heard from him since.
I get mad every time I think about it, and I don't want to be that super clingy blind girl, but I think it's all a bold faced lie.  I think he's scared that he'll lose me and he wants to end it all before it gets any deeper.  Or maybe he really doesn't love me any more.  I really just can't focus or think of anything (like my motherfucking finals) when we haven't ended our conversation.  When I just let my jaw drop as I thought of all the things we've been though.
And the settle down thing is a joke, I won't bother to explain why, just trust me.


Okay, well that was just me explaining....that thing I said I wouldn't do in the beginning.  Oh well.  I can't figure any of this out, but I'll be damned if  I shed any tears for a silly confused boy who doesn't appreciate the driven, funny, smart, and generous chick in front of him.

Night, ya'll

Happy Heart Ripping

I hate getting that feeling when you get rid of something or delete something and then right after it's gone you want it back. You get that same feeling when you say something you wish you hadn't and after it's out you realize you don't have the ability to grab words and shove them back into your mouth.
Life's just kind of funny that way I guess.
But, hey, I did make a resolution of non-resolution in which I decided to love all of the stupid, f'ed up things I will inevitably do over the year. I'm going to take a wild guess and figure that means accepting bad word choices and "oops" after certain situations..
But other than my incoherent mumblings about needing to put your foot in your mouth I should really get to a point in this blog.
Except I don't think I have one.
(Do I ever?)

Today is just one of those days where you feel the need to vent out all of your feelings, but you feelings are kinda stupid so you just make do with talking about off the wall random things (which is what I'm doing right now in case you haven't noticed).

Ever just want to rip your heart out before anyone else can get the chance? You know, to save everyone else the trouble? I think it would be the worlds biggest time saver, and that way the blame can totally just be on you and you can wallow in self-pity! Pretty clever, eh?
Now how does one go about ripping out their own heart?
This feels like a Google moment.

Happy heart ripping<3