How The Media Failed Women in 2013

In multiple classes and even for a few papers, I have written about the way women are represented in the media.  I see it as one of the biggest obstacles and social problems of our time.  As a woman, I'm offended, I'm angry, and I'm fighting to break free of the norms that have been embedded in me by society.  This group, Miss Representation, is basically doing the most amazing thing ever by putting it in your face.  You see an ad here or there, you don't think much of it.  But when they're compiled (and let me tell you, they didn't even cover all of it) you can't turn away.  Women need to know that they've been trained to see themselves as objects, that we're trained to think we aren't capable of leading, that we need to be pretty to be smart, and that it's normal and "healthy" to be so skinny.

Watch, learn, and share.

Two Months Shy of Forever

I'm 20, I don't think I did a birthday post this year, but it's important that you know that I'm sitting here on the very cusp of my 20's, eager to see what lays before me.  I also have a boyfriend and I've posted a good bit of pictures on here of us in case you need a face to match to the stories.  We've been dating a little over 5 months (not very long, yet forever at the same time) and his 25th birthday is in January.
Excuse me while I panic, but he sees me as his forever.  Like, those words pretty much came out of his mouth.  Worse, "marriage" came out of his mouth.
I can't even explain how panicked that makes me feel, and even just a little caged in.  Yet it's totally endearing at the same time.  I'm not upset, I'm just marveling at the fact that someone thinks they can put up with my shit 24/7.
Also, I'm ready to live on my own, pay rent, and be an adult...but I'm not ready to be that kind of adult.  In the mean time, I'll enjoy my boyfriend and try not to think about how absolutely bat shit crazy he must be.

xoxo

The Way of Subs

So I finally got a job!  After about 3 or 4 months of talking about it, I'm once again a part of the work force.  Thank you Subway!
Minimum wage, but still getting paid.  And just in time to save up for Christmas and New Orleans<3 p="">

Halloweenie

I really feel like Halloween has been dragged out this year for me.  I've gone to a haunted house, then to Scare Fest at Kings Dominion (which included 3 more haunted houses), and a Halloween party last weekend.  AND IT'S ONLY JUST NOW HALLOWEEN.
I just don't normally do so much, haha.
So I thought I'd post some pictures from last weekend so you could see my costume, a super hero.  I was going to try for The Black Widow, but that failed epically, so I got a cape and a mask and this is what happened.  I'm not much for sexy, but I do think Halloween gives the opportunity  to look hot and a little weird, without any judgement.  Although next year I think I want to try the scary side of things.... :)

Power Ranger, Me, Burlesque, and...you know, "normal."

My Zombie Killer

Wolverene's ginger cousin

A Sigh of Relief

Last night was the first really good night that I've had since I've come back to school this year.  I've gone out, I've drank a little, but it wasn't...right. Cliche', I know, but I don't know how else to describe it.  With losing a friend and having to re-assimilate, I just felt like I was walking around with a big hole in my chest.
It had a lot to do with the fight I got into with our "group" last year.  It was stupid, I can't even explain what it was about, but it got me "permanently uninvited."  So to add insult to injury, the whole group of people I spent time with last year was also missing from my life.
Well last night, Brittany and I went to their house just to say hi because we were partying just a few houses up the street.  It was the best thing we could have done.  We were welcomed back with open arms, smiles, and a lot of forgiveness.  The guy who kicked me out and I got a chance to talk alone.  We talked about the fight, Rachel, and regrets.  It was so amazing, because I know it's the place and the people I should've been hanging out with all along, but I was too stubborn to try without a personal invite.  And I know Rachel would be so happy to see us all talking again.
I know that some of the looks I got last night were pity, but they were with good intentions, so it's okay.  I'm just happy that I'm no longer excluded from people who's company I enjoyed so much before.  I'm actually crying as I write this, but I smile every time I look at the picture we got last night.  It really shows how happy we were to see each other again.  Can't fake smiles like those, haha.

Foreign Like A God

The words are alien,
Salty in my mouth
And when I roll my tongue back,
The sea and fish pour out.

The waves crest,
A powerful unrest,
It started when the sandman rang,
Gently thieving youth with his breath

Ashes to ashes,
We all burn down
The more I yearn for that urn
Longer in the ocean I drown

A force on it's axis
A destroyer on it's side
When gravity pulls me back again
I become its shotgun bride

I ask where are you now
Do you fill my lungs as I breathe?
Or have you forsaken this empty realm,
For a change of scenery?

The past is arrogant
The future, naked
What's to be found
When present's an imitation?

Forgetting you
And finding me
Is foreign like a God,
Who would push me into salty sea
For I have not forgot.


------------------

About my friend, Rae, who passed away about two and a half months ago.  It's gotten easier, but I still think about it every day.

The Addiction is Real

On a happier and more rewarding (see what I did there?) note, I thought I'd share some of my next tattoo ideas with you.  The first one I'm getting for my friend that passed away a few months ago, Rachel.  My friend Brittany and I are getting it together, although I think her font will be different.
I'm going to get it on my left side, the bird kind of flying away from me, and the words wrapping around my boob.  I'm getting the words in french because English is boring (not really), and because she was going to take French this upcoming semester.  We talked about traveling there together, and I just thought it was fitting.

I only want the bird on the bottom.

This means, "I miss you" in French

Celtic moon & Hindu sun

This I drew up, and it represents a personal yin and yang to me.  Not that I wanted to, but that's why I couldn't just use any generic sun and moon art.  It kind of represents the religious struggle I face every day, and I've always felt that I had two sides.  The heavy side that wants to work and succeed and the free side that wants to run barefoot around the world and not give a damn about any consequences.

107 Post-it Notes To My Future Shrink

I have a really weird (and by weird I mean bad) personality trait where I punish myself.  And not in a sexy submissive vs. dominance covered in latex kind of way.
I don't do anything crazy or too out of hand, like cut myself or consider suicide; the things I do aren't usually permanent.  The number one thing I'll do is refuse to eat.  For me this is a big deal because there have been a handful of times where I'll have an anxiety attack, sometimes leading to a panic attack, because I don't eat.  So when I punish myself by not eating, I do it with the full knowledge that it will only create a bigger brouhaha in my life (which is probably why it's such good punishment).
I'll also punish myself by refusing to join things that I know I will enjoy.  My family is going out to the mall and movies, two things I love.  Punishment - sit alone in the house and think about the fun they're having that I'm not...and also probably no dinner - you'd think I'd be skinnier.  I've also done this while shopping with my mom before.  I couldn't get one more shirt so I made her put them all back, because if I couldn't get that extra one, then I didn't want (or deserve) any of them.
Thankfully I'm over the shopping problem (considering I buy my own clothes now & I'll take what I can get),
but this personal punishment has a tendency to take control over more than just my life when it affects others.  And I find it hard to explain because the idea that I punish myself is just so fucking weird.

Why do I punish myself?
Well, why does WVU make it's furniture such an ugly shade of green?  Why do I only look good in Aviators?  Why do iPhone users feel so smug & superior with iOS 7?


 I don't really know for sure.  I should probably see some sort of therapist and have long, boring talks about my childhood.  But ain't no body got time for that!  Also, blogging is cheaper.

I do know I have the most tendency to do it when I feel inadequate with something, something I don't feel like I can control.  When I'm depressed or pitying myself, I feel like I deserve to be punished, because I'm a perfectly (arguably) healthy human being with friends, family, and endless love & support.

A prime example happened in my life last night
My boyfriend (bet you didn't think this was a boyfriend post - FOOLED YOU!) has been having a rough time at work, and just in life in general, and one thing that has really been bothering him was that he felt he was carrying our relationship.  All he asked me to do was to start texting and calling him first instead of the other way around.  That shouldn't be a big deal, and technically it's not.
But what it said to me was that I'm a terrible girlfriend who doesn't deserve anything because I don't put in any effort and I'm unlovable and a total waste of space, my boyfriend deserves someone better who can offer him more, and on and on and on.  That monologue went though my head for 3 hours before punishment came into play.
Around midnight I texted him and said the following:
"I don't know how to be a girlfriend, much less a "good" girlfriend.  3 months in people always seem to figure that out.  At this point I feel like I cause you more irritation and confusion than happiness and even I know that's not how relationships should be...With all of this going on, if you think it's a good idea to take a break this weekend & not see me I understand. You drive here every weekend & it's not fair to ask for so much when I don't give anything in return."

Punishment: not being allowed to do something I actually would like very much.  You can't even imagine the texts and the almost breaking up (which could still happen) that I started after that.  When I get this way I feel like there is a giant black vortex in my chest and it's sucking all of the good out of me.  I don't even know how to explain to him that he didn't do anything, this is something I do to myself.  And he (nor anyone else probably) wants to read this long ass essay that I've just written on it.
I don't know if I can life my life this way, what if I decide to have kids one day or something?

Hitchhikers Thumb

Sometimes when I tell people I want to travel, what I really mean is "run away."

Being Shiny, The World's Most Troubled Trophy Girlfiend

September has been a busy month.  I don't know what exactly I've been busy with, but it's been taking up all of my time.
It's probably been busy because of the boyyyyyyfriendddddd.  I'm pretty much just amazed that we're still together.  That he still likes me and doesn't think I'm a total wacko is magic-carpet-ride level amazing.  Having him as a boyfriend has been kind of like living in a movie.  Of course he has his flaws, but 90% of the time he literally treats me like a long-lost princess, and I couldn't be more grateful.
But I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Like, he's going to realize that I'm too demanding and totally not worth it, at any second.  When will I stop being the shiny new trophy?

Not only that, but his short, itty-bitty list of flaws is slowly diminishing as he decides to make life changes for me.  BE AWARE:  I did not ask for any of these changes, they are his own personal goals that I just happen to support.  Just wanted to clear that up before I got some major judgement from the peanut gallery.
Baby list of flaws:
A smoker,
Stoner (like the wake and bake, eat and bake, work and bake, drive and bake, bake and bake kind),
Living with a friend's family,
Unreliable car,
Low-level job (by this I mean that he can't really get much higher in the management than he already is, and it's not his dream job.  Not that he knows what his dream job is, haha),
Low self esteem

He's cut back on smoking (at least when I'm around, which is good enough for me since he's Mr. Two-Packs-A-Day), he's quitting pot for a while, and he's saving up for a car and his own place (probably with all that pot money he now has leftover).  He's also considering technical school.
I could list my flaws for years and years and years.  Basically infinity plus one.  And this guy still thinks I'm too hot to roam around college because I'll get hit on.  More like hit by...a giant truck.

To be honest, when we first got together, I was mostly just infatuated with how much he liked me.  It was a rush to be admired so much, and then to be treated so well, as if it were a natural everyday thing.  But now I"m in love with how willing he is to change and be there for me.  Like he's not just going to be the pillars on my porch, he's also going to be the walls in my house.  And possibly the roof.
How do I repay that?  How do I accept that?
What would I do if that went away?

Shit, even when things in life work out the good has consequences.  What's with that?