Until now. I recently did something stupid and it's a personal dare for me to keep it to myself. However, since I don't know anyone personally who reads my blog, I'm thinking that writing about it won't break the dare. Also, I think that it's a really good lesson.
I'm not afraid of my mistakes, which is good since I make a lot of them. I'll blush and be embarrassed, but I'll own up to them, because in the end they're (usually) always a good thing. That sounds very Yoda or Gandhi, but I swear it's the truth. So when I told someone recently that I loved them knowing they didn't feel the same way, I at first considered it a mistake. It was awkward and sad, but it was also possibly the most amazing thing I'd done in a long time.
My love for this person wasn't the right kind. It was heavy and depressing, and it made me feel like I had an obsession instead of a romance. I couldn't leave this poor guy alone (or more accurately, I couldn't stop sleeping with him). I kept thinking, "if I stick around for just a little bit longer he'll want me. He'll see how great I am."
Yeah, that didn't happen.
What it finally took was me telling him that I loved him. I was passing this heavy weight of love from myself to him. He was to walk away knowing that he's looking for something I already freely gave. And you would think him not loving me back would make me sad, but it actually makes me feel better. I gave everything I could and it wasn't enough. What a sad man he must be to not find happiness with one of the most amazing things a person can offer.
So that's my secret, it doesn't seem like much on the internet, but my friends would shit a baby if they knew that I even contacted this guy again, much less told him I loved him.
So here's to no regrets, I loved, I lost, and I learned a lesson.
Happy Holidays, everyone!
