I've learned so much this first year in college, and it isn't even over yet. I started out nervous, confused, and scared. I still have my moments and I'm still weird about trying new things, but I haven't failed yet and I've got to let that drive me.
I've learned about friends. How to keep in touch and stay close, how to make time for everyone, and how to make new friends. I've met some good people, and the most exciting thing is that this year isn't it. I'll meet more next year, and even more after that.
I've lost a few friends as well, but nothing I'm going to stress about. Some people aren't in your life for the right reasons. I've learned how to recognize that.
I think the most important thing I learned this year though, and am still struggling and dealing with daily is you. I've already said I accept that things went wrong. I was so mad at you for not putting in effort though. I was still so stuck on what could have been. I fall asleep dreaming about what might happen between us if I see you again this summer.
I see something I was missing before though. Actually, a lot of things that were missing. I have one friend who is two years younger than me, and almost every day I see her immaturity. It doesn't bother me, I just recognize that she sees things differently because she hasn't fully experienced them yet. We had a nine year difference. Nine. I can't even imagine how young and naive I was in your eyes.
I'm still doing new things, I'm still testing the waters and seeing how wild I want to be. You've been there and done that. You don't want to stay out until 4 in the morning drinking and watching me try whippets for the first time. You want someone who's going to have dinner ready when you get home, who can work the vacuum, and who wants to settle down. I don't cook, I can work the vacuum, but I want to travel and see the world before I do anything else with my life.
I realize that so many new things are happening in your life right now and it kills me that I'm not a part of them, that you don't even want me to be. I waste time wondering if you were ever even into me, which is stupid and insecure (some things I still haven't managed to fix about myself) but true nonetheless.
I have flashbacks of things I said or did and I physically cringe just thinking about them.
I used to question if I was ever really in love with you or if I just said it to make you feel guilty. People always say that "you'll know." But that's total bullshit. I didn't know until I realized I had lost you and that you were never even mine in the first place. I didn't know until the thought of being with another guy made me physically ill. I didn't know until every god damn stupid VW car I passed I wanted to kick the paneling in on. At this point I've spent more time apart from you than I ever did with you.
Why does it still hurt so bad.
Time isn't doing it's job. Let's get a-healing, okay?
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