A Fucking Poem

I don't want to write a fucking poem,
A lyric verse of my life woes.
Why write myself a poem,
When I know how the freaking story goes?

It's all a great big bore,
And then a great big sob,
"Nothing ever goes my way,"
I say as a sniveling slob.

I only write when I'm sad,
And occasionally when I'm pissed.
Each time it's a foolish rhyme
Dealing with how not often i get kissed.

I'd tell myself "SUCK IT UP,"
But I say that all the time
Never learned to take advice,
So that little voice should just resign.

I was feeling angsty when I wrote this, can ya tell?

The Beginners Guide to Recognizing Destructive Behavior

I promised myself that if you didn't respond after ten (giving you a full 11 hours to come up with a definite answer & even more just to think about it) that I was done.  That's it, send the ship, burn the letter, call the president, the end.
You responded at 10:04

Now do I stick to my promise, or do I give in to four damn minutes.
---
I gave in.

Typical.

Calling All Cops

* Put your iTunes/Winamp/WMP on shuffle.
* Use the song title as the answer to the question.

1. How does the world see me? Echo Park by Ximena Sariana

2. Will I have a happy life? Rich Kids by New Medicine 

3. What do my friends really think of me? Smack Down by Thousand Foot Krutch
(thanks guys, lol).

4. Do people secretly lust after me? Love You Much Better by The Hush Sound
(I'll take that as a YES!)

5. How can I make myself happy? Cry When You Get Older by Robyn

6. What should I do with my life? Catch Me If You Can by Gym Class Heroes
(fuck you, ipod, you'll never make me run.  Especially as a profession!)

7. Will I ever have children? Birthday Cake by Rihanna

8. What is some good advice for me? I Want it That Way by Backstreet Boys
(I think the best advice is probably just to take these guys off my playlist...)

9. How will I be remembered? Feelings Show by Colbie Caillat

10. What is my signature dancing song? Fire by Ingrid Michaelson 

11. What do I think my current theme song is? Lonely Won't Come Around by Crystal Bowersox
(Because it's already moved in, brought it's shit & made itself comfortable.)

12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Strong Enough by Kina Grannis

13. What song will play at my funeral? Don't Rain On My Parade by Glee Cast

14. What type of men do I like? Toxic by Britney Spears

15. What is my day tomorrow going to be like? My Vietnam by Pink
(I don't know how to take that.  Fight the war or stay in my room all day?)

16. Will I ever have love again? Handle Me by Robyn
(well then.)

17. What type of sex life do I have? Love Song by Meg & Dia

18. What song would be the title of my own porno movie? Journal of Ardency by Class Actress

19. How does the person I like feel about me? Don't Want You Back (Fuck It) by Eamon
(No need to be rude about it, ipod, I think I already had a clue thankyouverymuch.)

20. What will I title this post? Calling All Cops by Motion City Soundtrack


So maybe my ipod could tell you something I couldn't today.  I just remembered doing these all the time on the old beloved Myspace and decided to do a throwback ;)  I've been pretty busy lately by getting ready for school and spending all the time I can with friends and family.  I've been in a weird mood the past few days where anything can just push me off the edge.  I just keep trying to surround myself with people who love me unconditionally and trying to forget those who don't.  
I read something the other day that said 90% of the time you forgive someone simple because you want to keep them in your life.  I felt it was kind of obvious but it hit a sore spot.  I just need to stop caring about people who don't care about me.  It's harder than it sounds.

Here's a little playlist of the songs I could find, it doesn't have all my favorites, but it's all little something :)
http://pl.st/p/23564429579

Oh, Dear God

I read the last three things I'd posted and felt the need to punch myself in the face.  The "no money no worries" was cute, a little all over the place, but funny, "girl of the summer" was my drinking game face, and "brokenhearted bitch" was just more like wining bitch.
Why does the prospect of being in a relationship or having any sort of romance turn me into a complete asshat?  It's like I constantly need to make a fool out of myself or something!  I don't know why I can't be like one of those cool Angelina Jolie characters who never gives a fuck and doesn't feel the need to over share any emotions.  I suppose that has something to do with my genetics or the childhood trauma of growing up, but I don't know how anyone else can bear to listen to me when I can't even listen to myself.
The way I see it I have two options.
I can make flow charts and pro's and con's and write until I have carpal tunnel in my wrist to get my thoughts together and talk to this guy about where we stand and emotions and basically just a (hopefully) less wordy version of my last post.
Or I can tell him to move it or loose it and (most likely) cut my losses, get my shit together and find someone new in college.

Fucking A, I'll probably choose the first one.
This is why I never have a boyfriend.  A guy seems me, he likes me, then he gets to know me and runs for the hills.  I'm a fucking desperate housewife in the making.

Brokenhearted Bitches

I want you to want me.  Over and over I keep hearing, "if he's not making any effort, he's not worth it."  Somehow in my head that translates to, "if he's not making any effort, you're not worth it."  I'm so tired of guessing and playing the dating game, that's why I wanted to hang up my fuck-me heels and start buying cats months ago.  One friend told me I'm making myself too available.  BUT I AM TOO AVAILABLE!  Why do I have to pretend to be something I'm not?
If you like me, you'll spend time with me.  You'll make the effort to talk to me and be with me while I'm in college.  If me leaving doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out!  But how can you decide the movie is going to suck when you haven't even seen the trailer?  You told me you didn't think I'd like you, you didn't think we'd have anything to talk about, and now you don't think the college commute is going to work.  Give me the the chance to prove you wrong, yet again.
You said you'd try.
But just last night I got asked out,  I got asked if I'm single.  I don't even know how to respond!  When other guys start showering me with the compliments I never get from you, it hurts.  I know they're just trying to get in my pants, it's obvious.  At least I know what the fuck they're up to.  You're hiding in the bushes giving me no answers, just flying by the seat of your pants, "you'll see me when you see me."
Damn it, if I'm going to try, then I'm going to go all out!  I'm not going to hold back, I'm going to give you my all and I expect the same.  Why pretend to try, waste my time, and waste me going out on dates with any new guys I might meet?  Is that some male form of pleasure?  Personally, I prefer shopping, but if you're into brokenhearted bitches I guess I get that.
I'm just tired of laying in bed, asking myself questions that only you can answer.  I want to have that easy conversation with you again, I want to take all this pressure off, but I can't do it alone.  I've learned from experience that liking someone and dating someone is never easy (even though I think it should be), and because of that I haven't given up on you yet.  So please don't give up on me.

 

Girl of The Summer

Will we talk about if we're exclusive or not?  Will we talk about if we're going to keep seeing each other when I go to college?  In fact, will we talk at all when we're together or will we just keep having sex and making small talk and pretending to watch movies, and then having sex?
I like you,
but I could like you more.
I guess for right now I'll just keep drinking and spilling my secrets onto the internet in a grammatical fashion.  Score one for liquor and poor judgement.

Everyone tells me to trust my gut, but then I doubt my trust and trust my doubt, then I'm lost.  I just want to take things as they are, but then what are they?  I don't want to over-think!  I just want to be.
I need to be brave, to ask, to talk.  Then I wonder, shouldn't talk come easy?  But I don't see you as my forever, so I shouldn't worry...right?  If you're worth it you'll stay.  You'll be all the right reasons.  And if you're not, then you'll go.  They all do eventually.
But, God, I don't want to look at you later and cry.  Cry for knowing that you were a bad idea.  I don't want that anymore, I hope I've learned.
How do you learn but from experience?  In my short time I've experienced a lot of romantic mishaps.  A lot of royal fuck ups and fucking don'ts.  I've never wanted to be that girl, the easy one.  I prey you don't see me that way.
But how do you see me?  I'm so scared to ask.  I don't want to be just another girl of the summer.  Please think I'm worth it.  I think of all the things I want to say to you when I'm alone, but when we're together, I'm quiet.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I don't want to waste time thinking about you, writing about you, not making dates because of you, if you aren't interested.  If I'm an easy fuck.
How do you stop fucking and start making love?  You were my first, I don't know the difference.  Or is that something that comes natural?  Usually the things that your'e just supposed to know, I don't.  That's part of why I'm unique, why I'm funny, and interesting.  I hope you see that in me.  It's not that hard.  I'm pretty, I promise.  I wish I didn't doubt myself.
It makes me angry, and I want to take it out on you, but you're great.  You don't deserve all my hurt and anger.  You weren't the one who cut me up before.  You didn't force me into blow jobs and self inflicted hate.  I want to blame you, but I know better.
I know better.

I know better.
Do you?

No Money, No Worries, & A Cherry for Your Trouble

Well, I didn't post at all in May because I was pretty busy wearing that mortar board cap they require graduates to buy and actually wear during the ceremony.  You see, graduating isn't all about listening to speeches and walking down an aisle to take your seat.  No, it's about sending out announcements, planning a party, getting your grades in order, determining your last day, etc, etc.
I also didn't post in May, because believe it or not, I'm one boring broad.  Taking the time to turn my mundane everyday events into witty posts is exhausting, for me to write & you to read.
However, a few things of interest have happened lately, and I feel the need to share them with the ever present cyber-space.  A lovely thing with mo judgments, no pity, and most of the time no response, is just the kind of listener I need.

I found out last Wednesday that the current business I work for closed.  Picture me, getting ready for work the night before, taking my shower, figuring out what to wear (pretty open dress code), setting my clock for the time I need to wake up, only to realize the next morning that it's all for naught.  Not only would I not be going into work that day, but I wouldn't be going into work ever again.  It's not the kind of thing you want to hear over a bowl of cheery-o's.
No notice.  Worse, no pay.  As in my last week of pay, about a 100 dollars, will be forever in my boss's (boss'?) pocket.  Bankrupt.
Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm going bankrupt I'm well aware of it way before the day before it happens.
Since there is nothing I can do to a) get my job back, or b) get my money back, I'm going to leave it at this.  It was a great first job, it got me though senior year & paid for Lucy (my car) to run all over the place, as well as get odds and ends fixed.
I made friends, and I managed to get a good reference.
The End.


Now, I wonder how much of my other new & ever-so-exciting news I should share.  I've really poured my heart out on here before, and I worry that one day someone who knows me will come across this page and literally shit a brick.  I'm always hesitant of new things, mostly because I don't want to shout out how cool my new toy is to the entire world, only to have it embarrassingly break three seconds later.  I don't want to say "I met a boy" only to have the whole thing fade away within a week.  Then I have to face my misplaced excitement and this post and decide what level of stupidity I was on before I check back in to the real world.   Or something between me and him might happen, then I'll want to post on here about it, but it would feel all out of the blue due to a lack of background story.  And lets be honest, when you have something awesome to share, who wants to waste time with a shitty background story??
So, I met a guy.  He's different, and I like it.  Different from any other guy I've ever liked, and I think better.

*Also, the lack of trouble I've given my parents in school and with grades (plus the fact I've never snuck out & don't really party), I've made up for with my choice of men.  I did a number with the 23 year old ex-drug addict, but this one is a cherry on top.
That's all for now.

Bossman

My boss is pretty abrasive at times, and the other day he made this statement that I just have to share. It was to heartless and priceless at the same time. Keep in mind that my boss has two young kids of his own.

"If my kid was ugly, I'd tell it! Like sorry, you look like ass...Get back in the house. Trust me, ugly people know they're ugly."

He's an odd duck, isn't he? I guess some people appreciate that kind of thing? lol

Good Days and Bad Habits

I was recently laying in bed, lounging around, when this chilling thought occurred to me. When I graduate and head off to college, my life is literally going to drastically change. I'll have classes and actual homework (my current schooling doesn't provide this-I'd be more ecstatic if I thought a lack of education would give me an upper hand...which it obviously doesn't) and I'll have to clean up my own messes and force myself to do things. From this point on it's a non-stop train into adulthood and I'm honestly trying not to dig my heels into the ground.
It's not that I don't think I'll do well, I do. It's just that I see my next few years as a montage of school work, side job, a real job, a real boyfriend, (maybe some heartbreak or bad events), church, upstanding citizen shit, settling down in one place, and fucking growing up. It's scary!

I'm sure it's not all I'm making it out to be, and there will still be days where I lay in bed all day and do nothing more than have a hot date with my labtop. I'll make lots of bad food until I figure out how to cook like a proper human (I feel like a class should be involved), talk to myself in the mirror (occasionally interviewed by Oprah), and take shit from my parents because they love me unconditionally.
I just feel like free time is running short and I need to make up for my impending adulthood by being irrevocably lazy.
I'm undoubtedly my own worse enemy.


confession for the day:
I'm currently reading 7 books right now. I get part way though & then change it up. It's a pretty bad habit.

At least I don't trace, right?

These are just a few pieces of art I've done that I wanted to share because it makes me feel cool. The first one is a drawing that I uploaded to my computer and accidentally painted black (which, obviously, made it 100x better), the second one is a painting I'm going to do soon, and the third is a painting I did just the other day.
I wish I could claim these for sure, but I have to admit that none of these came out of my head, the internet inspired them. But hey, they're still admirable ;)