It Will Remain Unknown

I know I'm not alone
In this situation
This step-back
No appreciation
For beauty
Or art
Of how to win a girl's heart

I can't be alone
To this situation
Where I'm told whats right
But it's all wrong
And liars sing
The sweetest songs

Promise I'm not alone
In this situation
Of constant frustration
With falsities and niceties
And it's all just a power trip
They only want to see you strip

But say I'm not alone
In truth I never get that far
A blessing disguised?
Or maybe I'm just despised?
Maybe it's just the guys
I choose.

Or maybe I'm not right
Fighting tooth and nail
To get nailed
To be needed
I want to be treated
Like a girlfriend
(Just to see how it feels)

I'm not out for pity
Or fishing for dates
Just say I'm not alone
Or instill me with a faith
Trust me with the truth
These lips don't want to talk
(And they're used to being alone)
Curiosity can't helps but partake
In why they've never had a home

There's enough theories
To walk the world and back
But here is the fact:
It will remain unknown
Just why I remain alone.

Seven Year Itch

Kill me. Please? Because I'm being stupid little dumb girl again, I can feel it in my bones. I'm Ms. Please-Give-Me-Your-Lame-Ass-Excuses-To-Swallow girl. Because I want to see the best in everyone, so I'll ignore the bad things and just pretend like nothing is going on.
This obviously gets me into lots of trouble.
So go ahead and teach me a lesson before I re-teach it to myself.
If I could learn to say "no" or listen to my gut, and fuck how everyone else feels, then I would less friends, but also a lot less mistakes. I let people walk all over me and lie to me for the benefit of themselves.
Good Lord I would be a horrible mother. I'd be the clueless one going "my child lit your house on fire? Sweet little Tommy wouldn't do that!" when really sweet little Tommy is a fucking demon child.

It's two thirty in the morning, I'm dead tired, and instead of drifting off into dream land (actually I'm kind of doing that as well) I'm awake and thinking about how many ways this could all blow up right in my face.

If I listened to my alter ego my next conversation with you would probably start a little something like this:
Me: I don't exactly why you're wasting your time on me again, but don't think I don't see what a loser you are and have always been.
I would put his reply, but planned talks with him never go the way I expect, so why waste my time.
Oh wait, I already am just by thinking/talking/writing about him.

See how bad this road is already going?

I'm okay though, all I have to do is just remember all of the horrible, stupid things he did/said to me. And then the things I wrote to him but didn't send because they were so mean it was hard to believe I even wrote them.

Just breathe, girl.
You've got this.

Beauty Queen

Last night I competed in a pageant, which, let me tell you, is not normally my thing. I've done plays, harmony (show choir), and skits. I've walked across it many times, but never in a floofy dress with four judges monitoring how I walk.
So you can imagine my surprise when I got first runner up!
(Or, if you are a boy, I got second place. I just think the other one sounds much better...)

So now I'll actually be free in the afternoons to do as I please! Except I have no idea what that is, so now I'm here writing a blog. Isn't that nice? I have been busying myself so much lately that I forgot what it felt like to enjoy a nice evening alone with no issues.
Because besides this pageant I've had harmony practices after school, school trips, I was student of the month, I tried to give blood, I participated in a basketball tournament, I helped with the Special Olympics, and now finals are coming up. Please just try and tell me that I'm not freaking busy.

confession for the day:
I had no idea until I participated in one that pageant was spelled that way...I (and all of my friends when they text me) always spelled it pagent. That "a" in there is just annoying.

name game

Does anyone else have an issue with dating someone with a certain letter starting that person's first name? My letter is J. I have been with/talked to five and a half J names and they have all been horrible.
I say "and a half' because the guy I'm talking to now has a J name but he hasn't broken my heart.
And I doubt he'll get a chance to due to his reputation of being a total dog. I'm going to give him a chance tomorrow, but if we don't hit it off, then bye bye.
Plus I'm also still hung up on the last guy I talked to (who also has a J name). I actually told my "ex" that (I was still hung up on him). Wrong move? Most likely.
I keep saying certain "shocking" things and expecting a certain reaction, but he never gives me the one I want.
Whatever.
Fuck J names, you are all bad. Verry, very, bad. For me at least.

confession for the day?
I might have been drinking a little before I wrote this...

Google It

I have a problem and I should be heavily medicated. I'm obsessive, like a dog with a bone. Except when you take the bone away, I will hunt it down, destroy anything in my way, and retrieve it at all costs. You have to burn the bone, bury it in an unknown place with no markers, and maybe JUST MAYBE I would then leave it alone.
I'm also unbelievably indecisive, and I have the flow charts to prove it.
I have a hard time being blunt, but when it come to who's the bigger bitch, I'll hit every sore spot you have. I'll feel bad about it later, sure, but in the meantime the bitch disease is like a brush fire that just takes over a whole forest. I don't know when to stop or when my hitting the "send" button is just utterly unnecessary. Once you hit that button you're done for, there's no getting it back. Unless you want to go all ninja black ops and break into the other person's account and delete the message before they find it. Which, undeniably, would be wicked awesome, but alas, I don't know how to do that and I don't have the countless hours it would take to google it.
I also have an issue with writing 10,000 letters then picking and choosing my favorite bits of each one, piecing them together, and then sending the final product to the unfortunate recipient. I've stopped writing them on paper because it was such a waste. Now I do it all on wordpad so that I can copy, delete, or save it for later if it's especially full of bitchy greatness (so that I can have a giggle at how dark my other side can be).

And on an only slightly different note, who else is totally pissed at the new "hit enter and send whatever you were in the middle of typing" feature on Facebook? I use my enter button to start new lines, not send. Now I'm all paranoid that no matter if it's a status update, message, or comment, I'll hit the shift+enter key to start a new line. I especially hate it when I'm just writing gobbly-gook that isn't worth a second post.
Like me, Facebook apparently doesn't know when to leave good enough alone.

confession for the day?
I think I'm a masochist. Or is that another one of those stupid things that you don't "think" you are, you just "know"?

Something Pastel

Finally I'm on spring break! Now it's time to sign up for the damn A.C.T. which by the way is about a 40 minute ordeal. They ask you all these questions like 'what do you want to do?' 'what college are you planning on attending' 'what will you major' 'do you do any after school activities' 'how many children do you plan on having' 'is girls gone while something you will consider?'
Okay, so they probably won't ask the last two, but really it's just a bunch of bullshit that I have to fill out because they want to know my life story. I was born in America, I'm going to college, and this test is required. Happy?
People are so damn nosy.

In other news everything is fabulous! Not really, that's just what I keep telling myself, but my life isn't sucking either. It's actually pretty much the same minus that one little thing. You're supposed to learn a lesson from everything, and well, I've learned quite a lesson: I need to learn to LISTEN TO MYSELF, watch the signs, and stop asking for more then I really want.

But lets not talk about all that crap.

Well I would change the subject, but that's all I've got right now...

Enjoy spring break! And if you're not on it, then wish me a good one instead;)

Goodbye to You

It's tough transition, the one from being with someone to being alone all over again. We get used to being alone, it's something we learn to cope with. But we are social animals, and the move from one relationship state to another is hard.
Part of me is exponentially happy. I've had 9 kinds of the damn emotional rainbow while talking to you, and it honestly wasn't really worth it.
The other part is sad at the loss of a friend. Sad that the sheet that covered everything in pristine white has been removed to reveal an ugly truth.

It's hard to learn that you can't make someone care about you when they don't. Words fall on deaf ears and nothing you do, no matter how extreme, will make a difference. I could land in the hospital and you wouldn't think twice.

So I'll pack all of my feelings into little suitcases and lock them up in my head, because my heart just doesn't want to deal with yet another rejection. It's to innocent and unexcepting for it all. And even though it doesn't matter to you, I still wish you the best in everything you take on. The same way you can't bring yourself to care, I can't bring myself to hate you. Sometimes life is just way to unfair.

But I'll be back to normal me soon, just give me some time to get my groove back. I already know I don't need a guy to make me happy, I just need to get myself to believe that I don't want one either.

confession for the day?
Just because you have a dick, doesn't mean you should be one.

The Easter Bunny and My Love Life

I've got to figure this shit out.

What does it mean when a guy says he likes you a lot and wants to be with you and talks to you for hours, but won't kiss you when the opportunity arises?

If actions speak louder than words, then it means a lot.

I need affection. You can't have a relationship with out it. And that's what I want, a relationship. If he can't even kiss me then he must not be attracted to me, which means he's leading me on and I need to carry my business elsewhere.
Wherever "else" lives.

Being with me is a hands on activity.

I don't care if you promised your mom that you wouldn't touch me. I don't care if you promised the fucking Easter bunny! They aren't the ones sitting around wondering if there is something wrong with them because no one seems interested in them enough to date them. Or touch them for that matter, dating almost isn't relevant at this point. They aren't the ones second guessing themselves. They aren't at home right now writing a pathetic blog post about a pathetic non-relationship.
I am.

So it's time for you to stop pussyfooting around and be a man. If I had wanted a grade school relationship I would've dated a damn freshman.

"Stand By"

As humans, it is our nature to fear the unknown.


---


You open your mouth and I hear the ocean, you smile at me and I'm soaking up the sun. I've become so accustomed to this easy breeze you fill my life with. And this constant sunshine leaves a permanent blush on my cheeks that I'm in love with. There's a long list of things I want, but it's etched in the sand ready to be washed out with the tide. You can't always get what you want.
So I'll ask questions I don't want to know the answer to, in hopes of something good coming out of my insanity; my inability to just let sleeping dogs slumber. I'd like a warning, a siren of when things take a turn for the worse so that I'm not swept up by the wind and sand, never to be seen or heard from again.


confession for the day? I wish I could put my brain on "stand by" so that I could stop over-thinking all the time.

=/

I know a boy
Who tried to swallow the sun
Cut down his rage
And ease his addiction

I know a boy
Who tried to cover his tracks
Couldn’t write his own play
Because it had to many acts

I know a boy
Who tried to break apart the Earth
Attempting new things
To find out what he’s worth

I know a boy
Who tried to swallow the sea
And I tried to help him
Couldn’t just let it be

I know a boy
Who tried to hold my heart
He gave me sweet words
And tore me apart

I know a girl
Who tried to try
She’s taking his hand
And together they get by

I know a girl
Who tried to swallow the sun
Threw up her hands
And cried out in frustration

I know.