It Will Remain Unknown

I know I'm not alone
In this situation
This step-back
No appreciation
For beauty
Or art
Of how to win a girl's heart

I can't be alone
To this situation
Where I'm told whats right
But it's all wrong
And liars sing
The sweetest songs

Promise I'm not alone
In this situation
Of constant frustration
With falsities and niceties
And it's all just a power trip
They only want to see you strip

But say I'm not alone
In truth I never get that far
A blessing disguised?
Or maybe I'm just despised?
Maybe it's just the guys
I choose.

Or maybe I'm not right
Fighting tooth and nail
To get nailed
To be needed
I want to be treated
Like a girlfriend
(Just to see how it feels)

I'm not out for pity
Or fishing for dates
Just say I'm not alone
Or instill me with a faith
Trust me with the truth
These lips don't want to talk
(And they're used to being alone)
Curiosity can't helps but partake
In why they've never had a home

There's enough theories
To walk the world and back
But here is the fact:
It will remain unknown
Just why I remain alone.

Seven Year Itch

Kill me. Please? Because I'm being stupid little dumb girl again, I can feel it in my bones. I'm Ms. Please-Give-Me-Your-Lame-Ass-Excuses-To-Swallow girl. Because I want to see the best in everyone, so I'll ignore the bad things and just pretend like nothing is going on.
This obviously gets me into lots of trouble.
So go ahead and teach me a lesson before I re-teach it to myself.
If I could learn to say "no" or listen to my gut, and fuck how everyone else feels, then I would less friends, but also a lot less mistakes. I let people walk all over me and lie to me for the benefit of themselves.
Good Lord I would be a horrible mother. I'd be the clueless one going "my child lit your house on fire? Sweet little Tommy wouldn't do that!" when really sweet little Tommy is a fucking demon child.

It's two thirty in the morning, I'm dead tired, and instead of drifting off into dream land (actually I'm kind of doing that as well) I'm awake and thinking about how many ways this could all blow up right in my face.

If I listened to my alter ego my next conversation with you would probably start a little something like this:
Me: I don't exactly why you're wasting your time on me again, but don't think I don't see what a loser you are and have always been.
I would put his reply, but planned talks with him never go the way I expect, so why waste my time.
Oh wait, I already am just by thinking/talking/writing about him.

See how bad this road is already going?

I'm okay though, all I have to do is just remember all of the horrible, stupid things he did/said to me. And then the things I wrote to him but didn't send because they were so mean it was hard to believe I even wrote them.

Just breathe, girl.
You've got this.

Beauty Queen

Last night I competed in a pageant, which, let me tell you, is not normally my thing. I've done plays, harmony (show choir), and skits. I've walked across it many times, but never in a floofy dress with four judges monitoring how I walk.
So you can imagine my surprise when I got first runner up!
(Or, if you are a boy, I got second place. I just think the other one sounds much better...)

So now I'll actually be free in the afternoons to do as I please! Except I have no idea what that is, so now I'm here writing a blog. Isn't that nice? I have been busying myself so much lately that I forgot what it felt like to enjoy a nice evening alone with no issues.
Because besides this pageant I've had harmony practices after school, school trips, I was student of the month, I tried to give blood, I participated in a basketball tournament, I helped with the Special Olympics, and now finals are coming up. Please just try and tell me that I'm not freaking busy.

confession for the day:
I had no idea until I participated in one that pageant was spelled that way...I (and all of my friends when they text me) always spelled it pagent. That "a" in there is just annoying.